Flogometer—lack of tension stayed my hand

Update: I have a guest post appearing today on the Writer Unboxed blog.

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective. Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page).

This is for Cindy. Here are the first 16 lines:

Kira swung her legs off the exam table and slid to the floor. She paced the little room, the collar of her diagnostic coverall gaping with each step, letting the cold air slide down her spine. Punching the adjustment button made it quiver but the coverall shrank no further, simply continuing to slide around with the distinctive greasy feel of a loose self-fitting suit. She shivered. Why was every exam room in the universe so cold?

Pacing didn't make her any warmer, but it worked off some of her nervous energy. She hadn't come to the infirmary for a check-up, just a quick look-in on Seri between finals, but instead of taking her to her roommate, the nurse had led her here and given her a diagnostic suit marked 'A:1'. He had vanished again before she could request a smaller size.

She glanced at her wrist monitor. One hour left until the next exam. It was history, her worst subject. Seventy-two planets in the Human Polity, each with its own distinct culture, none of them familiar to her except Amiantos. She knew their names, knew the trade routes through the nexons, but their cultures and histories - the hows and whys - were impenetrable mysteries to her. Her stomach knotted just thinking about it.

The door whisked open and a rail-thin woman with short-cropped dark hair swept into the room. She was wearing a green lab coat with her name printed over the left pocket - Econsey-Jesek.

While there are good things about the writing, the narrative didn't reach the level of compelling for me. There's a mild mystery -- why the nurse had taken Kira to the examining room -- but no hint of jeopardy for her.

In science fiction there's an acceptable amount of world-building allowed, and Cindy begins that with the "diagnostic coverall." But the circumstances are hardly dramatic, even though the narrative does create a certain empathy in anyone who's been in a cold exam room (like, everybody). But that's not compelling.

There's a lot of exposition and backstory here, but not much else. The writing, I'm glad to see, is clean and crisp, so I'm not going to do a lot of line editing here. But I do have a suggestion for Cindy.

Much later in this first chapter we learn that Kira has caught a disease, an artificial plague -- but the reader doesn't know that until after she has survived. Since we don't know that she has a deadly plague, even that fails to arouse tension. But there is a good starting point, IMO. See what you think of this as an opening (Cindy, I've done a little editing and manipulation):

Naz, the rail-thin doctor who had admitted Kira, walked into the hospital room. Far from the brisk stride she had used at the exam, she walked as if weary beyond exhaustion, shoulders slumped and feet dragging. She had a multi-use injector in her hand. She reached for Kira's arm but jerked back when she saw that Kira was awake and watching her. She turned and stumbled back out the door. Kira tried to call after her, but her voice wouldn't work, and all she produced was a rasp.

Okay, there are story questions raised here, and they could get stronger on the first page if Cindy condenses the narrative that this kicks off.

One thought on this segment: I noticed the use of "walked" twice within two sentences. The second one could be eliminated if the sentence instead read:

Far from the brisk stride she had used at the exam, her shoulders slumped and her feet dragged.

The phrase "she walked as if weary beyond exhaustion" is telling, the other part is showing.

Cindy, you've got good stuff, but in my view the narrative dawdles and spends far too much time with backstory. You need to bait and set your hook in this first chapter; there's time for exposition later.

Any comments?

For what it's worth,

Ray

Public floggings available. If I can post it here, send 1st chapter or prologue as an attachment (cutting and pasting and reformatting from an email is a time-consuming pain) and I'll critique the first couple of pages.

ARCHIVES .

© 2007 Ray Rhamey

Comments

[catie]

I don't know if Cindy found your advice helpful, but I certainly did! :)

[Tapetum]

I am finding it helpful. The ironic thing is I already cut about three pages off the front to get the story started quicker. Off to do some more shaving...thanks, Ray. I think.

[Jessica]

I would have turned the page, but I do agree that the mystery of why Kira had been snatched up for examination should be sharpened a bit. Wrongful incarceration, whether in a hospital or prison, is a firecracker of an opening, and that's what I would respond to as a reader.

[Stephe]

What you are doing here is so very much appreciated, Ray. I'm filing you under REQUIRED READING: DAILY.