Flogometer—I passed on this one

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective. Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page).

This is for Susie. Here are the first 16 lines:

Scott and Emily waited for the traffic signal to tell them they could turn left. Scott maneuvered the car into the intersection.

Emily heard a bang and a crunching sound along with Scott's groan. She squeezed her eyes shut, feeling the air being forced from her lungs, vaguely aware of small bits of glass hitting her face and arms. She tightened the muscles in her neck and shoulders. Instinctively she knew they had been hit and wondered if they had been rear-ended. As quick as the thought entered her mind it was gone again. She felt her body being jerked toward her husband.

Somewhere inside her she knew they had been hit from the side. Hunching her shoulders toward her ears, she was thrown violently toward her door. Scott groaned again. All she could think of was trying to keep her head and face from going through the glass window of the passenger side door as the car came to an abrupt halt.

Sorry, Susie, I didn't turn the page. You have done the right thing by starting with dramatic action, but (in my view) haven't executed it well enough. One reason I passed is entirely subjective -- as narrated, the car accident wasn't that interesting, although others might well have been drawn forward to see what happened.

That leads to the second reason I would pass -- while your writing is clear enough, I feel the story is weighed down by overwriting -- too much detail, too much explicitly explained. (Keep in mind that this is all very subjective.)

Here's the deal: this is a terrible car wreck. I've been in a few pretty bad ones and survived, and they happen with lightning speed. The details fly at you, brief, intense, confused. At the least, dramatic action like this should move! A couple of years ago my car left the road on black ice and rolled. I was conscious through the whole thing, and I guarantee you that there was no time or even ability to think about anything like keeping my head from hitting a window, much less being aware that my head did indeed smash into it and break the glass.

In my view, unless you let the reader know that Emily is experiencing things in extreme slow motion, all of this thought and hearing and reaction can't deliver the experience of something like this, and can rob the narrative of credibility. In my accidents, I remember brief bits with extreme clarity -- but they are bits, fragments of action, and nothing moved slowly.

I'll go through and point out some things with comments and edits that I hope will illustrate what I mean.

Scott and Emily waited for the traffic signal to tell them they could turn left. Scott maneuvered the car into the intersection. (Not much "grip" or drama here in a very mundane thing. Also, the wording made me think we were in Scott's point of view rather than Emily's. This paragraph could be distilled down to something like: They were turning left when… and then go to the action. Upon reflection, I'm not sure you even need this -- the important thing is the crash.)

Let's deconstruct the second paragraph with an eye to tightening the narrative, quickening the pace, and making it credible.

Emily heard a bang and a crunching sound along with Scott's groan.
I think, with the instantaneous nature of a collision, she might hear the bang, but then a crunching sound would be wiped out by being thrown around in the car. And I can't imagine how she would hear a groan in the midst of metal being crushed.

She squeezed her eyes shut, feeling the air being forced from her lungs, vaguely aware of small bits of glass hitting her face and arms.
This suggests a conscious squeezing of her eyes, but that's unlikely, IMO. Moreover, how does that show the impact of the crash? Avoid "feeling" and "felt" and go for the direct action, i.e. the air was forced from her lungs. But I have to ask why it was forced from her lungs? There's nothing in the narrative that explains or shows that. As for being "vaguely aware," this slows the action as well. Bits of glass stung her face. Use short, crisp sentences to show action. Strip them of all but the essentials. By the way, would modern safety glass shatter in this way?

She tightened the muscles in her neck and shoulders.
Her neck and shoulders tightened.

Instinctively she knew they had been hit and wondered if they had been rear-ended.
I don't think you need to tell us this, especially the "instinctively" part -- when a vehicle slams into yours, you KNOW you've been hit. You also KNOW deep in your body where the impact comes from. I'd delete this.

As quick as the thought entered her mind it was gone again.
This really slows down the action. Suggest delete.

She felt her body being jerked toward her husband.
Her body jerked toward her husband.

There's so much detail spelled out with such long sentences that the impact of the crash seems far removed. I think the reader should be experiencing the crash in real time, along with Emily, instead of in extreme slow motion. The third paragraph continues in the same vein, IMO.

I fear that the pace of this opening will stop an agent or an editor. I don't usually rewrite during an edit, but sometimes do to illustrate a point, so let me give it a shot here.

The truck slammed into Scott's side of the car. Glass stung Emily's face, she was thrown at Scott and then flung back against her door.

That quickly, you can give the reader the impact of the collision.

Your narrative continues in the same way to take us through a terrible accident that causes Emily to lose her unborn baby and her husband -- but it takes 18 pages, and I felt that the same degree of overwriting robbed the events of the drama and pain that the protagonist would be experiencing. By the way, you could set up her being pregnant right at the opening, which would increase the tension in the reader, i.e.

On the way to the doctor for Emily's prenatal check-up, the truck slammed into Scott's side of the car…etc.

The narrative continues to be overwrought and this reader lost patience with what could have been dramatic events. I think you need to get out your scalpel and do the tough work of stripping this down to its core. You can then expand if you feel the need, but get the action to working first. By the way, later on you use "broke" several times where it should be "broken."

Thanks for sending your work. Good luck.

Any comments?

For what it's worth,

Ray

Public floggings available. If I can post it here, send 1st chapter or prologue as an attachment (cutting and pasting and reformatting from an email is a time-consuming pain) and I'll critique the first couple of pages.

ARCHIVES .

© 2007 Ray Rhamey

Comments

[catie]

I agree, for a terrible car wreck this narrative was entirely lacking in energy and dramatic tension. Excellent critique.

[Ing]

To answer the aside/question in the critique...

My experience with tempered safety glass in a window mfg plant tells me that if hit hard enough to send the pieces really flying--a car getting T-boned would do it--it could definitely cut and sting. (The safety part comes with the fact that the damage from its little cubes and tiny slivers would be superficial, though possibly painful, rather than devastating like large shards of normal glass flying around.)

Anyway, a totally minor point, but here it is nonetheless.

[Ray Rhamey]

Many thanks,Ing. I learned something. I love it when you guys help out.

Ray

[dave fragments]

Help me, FTQ, I was reamed out recently for suggesting something like this:
The truck slammed into Scott's side of the car. Glass stung Emily's face, she was thrown at Scott and then flung back against her door.

They called it telling and not showing. (That dreaded accusation that I was supposed to crumble over).

What are your thoughts on that?