Flogometer—I hesitated, and thus the page didn’t turn

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective. Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page).

This is for Linda. Here are the first 16 lines:

If any of the neighbors on Grace Street had looked out their windows at that precise moment on that hot, humid August day they would've been startled. And rightly so. They would've wiped their eyes and scratched their heads as they searched for a logical explanation - using the same logic people resorted to when they couldn't quite explain the unexplainable. They would've chalked it up to a trick of the eye. They would've blamed it on the glare from the sun. But the sun wasn't shining. They would've dismissed that truth.

They would've seen a flash of gold and the sudden appearance of a moving van parked in front of the Cooper home. No rumbling of tires or hissing of air brakes announced its arrival.

If any of the neighbors watched as two burly, red-headed men hopped out of the truck's cab and made their way to the front door, they would've felt ambivalent about the Coopers moving away. After all, the family had barely lived there for a year, they would've thought. Mr. and Mrs. Cooper were nice enough, but they did seem a bit off, a bit odd, didn't they? The Cooper's son never caused problems but the kids in the neighborhood said he was, well, kinda creepy … kinda weird … what with him always hiding and lurking around corners, hadn't they?

And with that, they would've shut their curtains and shut the Coopers out of their minds forever.

As I said, when I read this I hesitated. . .and then decided to move on to other tasks, much as a busy agent might. I liked the writing, but that hesitation was fatal.

But why? I think it was the distance the omniscient opening created. I didn't feel involved. It's all speculative -- if people had looked…they would have been startled…they would have seen…

Remember, now, this is subjective -- that's just the way it struck me. The one interesting thing, the magical appearance of a moving van, just wasn't enough to move me forward.

The very next page pops into the point of view of the protagonist, a boy. He does fairly normal things -- stubs his toe, resents having to move every year. The one thing out of the ordinary, for a considerable part of the following narrative, is that he accepts the magical appearance of the van as a natural part of his world, and he's aware that his world is different than that of people outside his family.

We go through his resentment of moving annually, and of the pain it is to go to a new school every year -- so far, nothing extraordinary.

Then, on page 5, he makes an entry in a journal:

I am a blood descendent of the Greek god Zeus. No biggie, really. Nothing to freak out about. It's not like I have any powers ….

Well, NOW we're talkin'.

Were I you, Linda, I'd take a look at starting with his point of view as he stares out the window and witnesses the magical arrival. I'd then cut drastically some of the exposition/backstory and get to the Zeus thing as soon as you can. I have to tell you that if that had been on the first page, guaranteed I would have read on.

If I were your editor, I think I'd suggest that you start with the magical arrival, then have him put the entry in the journal (on the first page), and then carry on from there.

I think your writing is sound, and clearly you have some fun things imagined for us. I do, however, feel that the narrative could be tighter. There are just extra words and phrases that slow the pace. A couple of quick examples:

two burly red-headed men hopped out of the truck's cab and made their way to the front door, (Readers won't need "cab" to get the picture.)

An example from later in the narrative:

(he stubs his toe on the way to a window) "Ouch … crap!" he muttered to no one as he reached the window, hopping the last few feet on one foot as he clutched the other in his hand.

You also need to watch out for clichés. I spotted this one:

Chance watched the movers like a hawk

Bottom line, a good start, Linda, but I think you could use some fresh eyes, if you can find them, to help you watch out for spots of overwriting and those clichés.

Many thanks for sending your work. It sounds like a fun story.

Any comments?

For what it's worth,

Ray

Public floggings available. If I can post it here, send 1st chapter or prologue as an attachment (cutting and pasting and reformatting from an email is a time-consuming pain) and I'll critique the first couple of pages.

ARCHIVES .

© 2007 Ray Rhamey

Comments

[mai]

Despite the voice, I was hooked until this:

"And with that, they would've shut their curtains and shut the Coopers out of their minds forever."

Shut curtains, shut out forever... It's almost like an direction that says, "Do not proceed."

[Stephanie]

This has a very Harry Potter-ish feel to it, or is that just me? As result, I possibly wouldn't have turned the page because it felt like I'd read the story (or at least another version of it) before.

However, if you had started with the journal entry, I probably would have been intrigued enough to keep going. It feels both more interesting and also more original.

[Jessica]

If the author had started with the protag being a blood descendent of Zeus, I'd *SO* have turned the page. As it was though....

I was confused by the buildup. There was something inexplicable going on that had neighbors rubbing their eyes and scratching their heads, and it was...neighbors (no less neighbors people felt ambivalent about) moving away? Hmmmm.

It sounds like a cool premise for a book, though, and I like the sound of the protag's voice. Good luck!

[Linda]

Ray,

This is Linda, the author. I want to thank you so much for your time and insights. You (and your blog commentators) have given me some excellent feedback and a much-needed "kick in the butt."

I knew, deep down, there was a reason why I greatly preferred the second chapter over the first -- it picks up on the Zeus revelation and goes on to discuss the reasons behind my protag's "ho-hum" feelings about this distinction.

Thanks again!

Linda