Flogometer—a story question lured me, but then. . .

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective. Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page).

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This is for Nadja. Here are the first 16 lines:

Sofia stood in a paralytic trance, mesmerized by the cold sepia eyes that glared straight at her from beneath the glass. Her heart thudded in excitement. The familiar man in the photograph transfixed her, her mind ticking away with this latest piece to her puzzle. Glancing up and down the deserted museum hallway, Sofia slipped her high-resolution digital camera out of her bag. After calming her trembling hands, she snapped a set of pictures centered on the stern man standing next to General Grant. The caption named him Lieutenant General Stephen Mason.

Gotcha. Sofia smiled to herself. She knew that if she looked into the Lieutenant General's history she would find he was the only child of two only children -- the dead end limb of a failed family tree. No children of his own, no medical records, and most importantly, no death certificate. Just like Colonel Bradley Stevens of World War I, Major General Stephen Smith of World War II, Lieutenant Colonel Matthew Steffens of the American Revolution, and so many of the others she had discovered in the last few years of her research. Across the centuries his face never changed -- they were all the same man, if indeed he was a man. Whatever he was, it was definitely more than human.

Immortal. The thought sent a thrill skipping down her spine. A living piece of history.

I turned the page because of good story questions. This, of course, is subjective -- I happen to like stories of immortals and the like. So, while this opening isn't riveting in terms of action and a scene, and the writing needs tightening, the narrative pulled me along. It would be better, though, if some sort of impending conflict or jeopardy or need were there.

However, the narrative drive created by the mysterious immortal soldier soon foundered in a mundane telling of Sofia's current (boring) job, details and exposition. The tension created by the opening question faded under the weight of non-compelling detail and overwriting. Here's an example of what I mean by overwriting from later in the story:

She plugged the USB connector into her camera and added the newest pictures to her electronic collection. Her printer droned to life as it spit out the close-up of his face.

The information about the USB connector for her camera, her printer's drone, etc. seems unnecessary to me. It would have been sufficient, I think, to simply say:

She printed out her new photo of the man, and a chill swept through when his haunting, empty gaze again caught hers.

Now to work on those first 16 lines.

Sofia stood in a paralytic trance, mesmerized by the cold sepia eyes that glared straight at her from beneath the glass. Her heart thudded in excitement. The familiar man in the photograph transfixed her, her mind ticking away with this latest piece to her puzzle. (The deleted sentence tells us what you've already shown except for the puzzle mention, and that's to come.) Glancing up and down the deserted museum hallway, Sofia slipped her high-resolution digital camera out of her bag. (Details about camera not needed, the reader will fill in nicely.) After calming her trembling hands, (Suggest going for something simpler, i.e. She steadied her hands and snapped…ect.) she snapped a set of pictures centered on of the stern man standing next to General Grant. The caption named him Lieutenant General Stephen Mason.

Here's how that paragraph reads with the editing out of the way and suggestions incorporated:

Sofia stood mesmerized by the cold sepia eyes that glared at her from beneath the glass. Glancing down the deserted museum hallway, Sofia slipped her digital camera out of her bag. Her heart thudded. She steadied her hands and snapped pictures of the stern man standing next to General Grant. The caption named him Lieutenant General Stephen Mason.

To continue:

Gotcha. Sofia smiled to herself. She knew that if she looked into tThe Lieutenant General's history she would find show that he was the only child of two only children -- the dead end limb of a failed family tree. No children of his own, no medical records, and most importantly, no death certificate. Just like Colonel Bradley Stevens of World War I, Major General Stephen Smith of World War II, Lieutenant Colonel Matthew Steffens of the American Revolution, and so many of the others she had discovered, in the last few years of her research. A, across the centuries his face never changed. -- they were all the same man, if indeed he was a man. Whatever he was, it was definitely more than human.

Immortal. The thought sent a thrill skipping down her spine. A living piece of history.

I think it would be a good idea to hint at what this discovery means to her in terms of consequences, or to inject something right now that promises jeopardy or conflict that is directly related to her discovering/locating this man. Why does she need to do this? Is it more than simple (or professional) curiosity? Will it provide her with some much-needed success, without which she will fail at something? In other words, inject why this discovery matters to her (and the reader).

Nadja, it looks like you have a fine story brewing, but I think your first chapter spends entirely (IMHO) too much time with "throat-clearing" and excessive detail. If you can find good critique partners to help you see this with fresh eyes, or a story editor, I think you can get where you need to go. Good luck.

Any comments?

For what it's worth,

Ray

Public floggings available. If I can post it here, send 1st chapter or prologue as an attachment (cutting and pasting and reformatting from an email is a time-consuming pain) and I'll critique the first couple of pages.

ARCHIVES .

© 2007 Ray Rhamey

Comments

[Tapetum]

As a nit to pick, I would also comment that "across the centuries his face never changed" tweaked my "something isn't right" radar. Photography wouldn't be available more than a century/century and a half. Combined with the mention of the guy's name from the Revolutionary War, I was wondering how the hell she knew what he looked like then? Did he sit for a painting somewhere? If he didn't how did she find him?

It wouldn't stop me from turning the page, but it had darned well better be addressed somewhere later.

[Jessica]

Oh, what a start!

I, too, like stories about immortals, secrets in old photographs, etc.

I agree with Ray's suggestions. All the same, I *really* want to know where this is going. It sounds really neat.