Flogometer—opening created zero tension

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective. Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page).

This is for Robert. Here are the first 16 lines:

Father H moved quickly for a big man. He was over six feet tall and barrel-chested. His unadorned black cassock with the long row of buttons down the front was not at all like the stiff white vestments he wore at high mass. I sat on the worn sofa in the rectory basement. Father H was busy for the moment boxing up second hand clothing left over from the Ladies Sodality rummage sale. He said it wasn't his job and that if Mrs. Novaleski was there he'd "ream her out" for leaving the place in such a mess. Until then I had never noticed his shiny manicured fingernails or how bald he was. After he cleared the table he set up two folding chairs and told us to sit - me and the other boy who had just come down the stairs. He was taller than me and maybe older but I thought he looked scrawny. His red hair was piled up in front like a pompadour and he had freckles all over his forehead. Father H introduced us. His name was Jim and he had just moved here from another state with his mother. Jim wore brand stiff new brown shoes that looked like they were one size too big for him.

Jim and I shook hands politely and we sat down facing Father H who sat in a swivel office chair.

"What is the most important thing you have to learn as an altar boy?" he said.

Jim and I looked at each other.

Sorry, Robert, but the narrative up to this point gave me no reason to turn the page. The only two questions that have been raised are what's the narrator doing there and what the most important thing for an alter boy to learn is.

While the world of a Catholic priest can be an interesting one, and these days that world carries undertones of sexual abuse, there's no indication of the latter here, and nothing yet fascinating about the former. For this reader, anyway. The second page was more of the same -- we get into the Latin for the Confiteor, a prayer.

While we're here, though, let me give you a couple of notes on that dauntingly long first paragraph. I'd sure break it up if I were you. And I'd use dialogue to do it. An example in a moment.

The "introduction" of the other boy was also not smooth. The narrator has to tell us about his entrance after it happens, which interrupts the flow and springs something on the reader she should already know. If I were to keep this opening, and I wouldn't unless you can introduce something tension-causing in the boy's narrative, I'd look at something like this:

Father H moved quickly for a big man. He was over six feet tall and barrel-chested. His unadorned black cassock with the long row of buttons down the front was not at all like the stiff white vestments he wore at high mass. I had never noticed his shiny manicured fingernails or how bald he was.

I sat on the worn sofa in the rectory basement. Father H was busy for the moment boxing up second-hand clothing left over from the Ladies Sodality rummage sale.

He said, "Cleaning up this mess is no job for a priest, and I'd ream Mrs. Novaleski out if she was here."

Another boy came down the stairs. He was taller than me and maybe older but I thought he looked scrawny. His red hair was piled up in front like a pompadour and he had freckles all over his forehead. I noticed that he wore brand stiff new brown shoes that looked like they were one size too big for him.

After Father H cleared the table, he set up two folding chairs. "You boys sit." He said to me, "Rudy, this is Jim. He's just moved here from Illinois with his mother."

No, it's not any more interesting, but I think the flow is better. It also gives us a name for the narrator. Note that I added the state that the other boy came from -- details create a sense of "this is real," while vague generalities can't.

Sorry, Robert. Your writing is pretty clean, but I think you need to find the moment in your story where something is happening that hints at trouble ahead for someone, even if it's only a smaller, bridging event. You only sent two pages, and I would have looked ahead if I could have (this is why I ask for a whole chapter for the Flogometer).

Any comments?

For what it's worth,

Ray

Public floggings available. If I can post it here, send 1st chapter or prologue as an attachment (cutting and pasting and reformatting from an email is a time-consuming pain) and I'll critique the first couple of pages.

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© 2007 Ray Rhamey