Flogometer—Tricia’s first page kept me moving

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective. Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page).

This is for Tricia. Here are the first 16 lines:

I didn't realize I was dead until 3 p.m. I thought it was just a mild case of food poisoning. In the cafeteria I'd and bolted down my cheerios and milk before I had to be in class. I was running late, as usual, and my roommate Tina had clucked at me, shaking her head as I ran out the door in my sweatpants and t-shirt, my curly hair subdued in a pony tail.

"Tally, the fashion police are going to nail you one of these days, and I'm testifying against you," Tina yelled after me. Hey, I was in college to learn about library science, not accessorizing. Tina was a fashion plate, but she had the skinny model body for it. I was a little too round everywhere to be stylish.

Sitting in my Research Studies class, I felt my breakfast Cheerios doing a cartoon high step in my stomach. I barely made it to the bathroom before losing everything. Afterwards I didn't feel ill anymore, so I figured the milk must have been bad or something. And I always feel better after I throw up. I still felt odd, but I was a college student - up all night and in class all day; it was no surprise I felt a little off. Back in my dorm I lie down and decided to skip my next class. A few minutes later the phone rang.

"Natayla, you must come. Nama is sick."

It was Grandpa, not Grandma Nama, so I suspected we had a problem. I just didn't know it was fatal.

I turned the page -- or I would have, but Tricia sent only the first 16 lines. I wish people would send more because it helps in evaluating (see directions below). Ah, well.

But she did many things right in just a few lines. Raised story questions. Opened with a good hook. Characterized her protagonist, even sneaking in a little physical description -- note to other writers: this is how to do it, in ways that approximate a natural way of thinking about your body. Tricia does this with the character's hair, body, and wardrobe. Well done.

The writing is solid, and Tricia exhibits an entertaining voice that promises wry humor in this paranormal tale. I would definitely have read more.

Now to the nitpicking, because they are nits when the writing is clean.

I didn't realize I was dead until 3 p.m. I thought it was just a mild case of food poisoning. In the cafeteria I'd and bolted down my Cheerios and milk before I had to be in class. I was running late, as usual, and my roommate Tina had clucked at me, shaking her head as I ran out the door in my sweatpants and t-shirt, my curly hair subdued in a pony tail.

(This is a really teensy nit: I suggest "three in the afternoon" instead of "3 p.m." for a couple of reasons. First, the Chicago Manual of Style, which publishers generally follow, calls for spelling out all numerals below 100 (for print; online it's best to use numerals). And I think "afternoon" creates a quicker, fuller understanding. But that could just be me.

The paragraph has two mistakes that can hurt that vital impression: a left-over "and" that needed to be deleted, and "cheerios" needed to be capitalized. These kinds of mistakes will just look sloppy to an agent. Check everything.)

"Tally, the fashion police are going to nail you one of these days, and I'm testifying against you," Tina yelled after me. (I'd put the dialogue tag at the front of the paragraph. Easier for the reader to understand who says what.) Hey, I was in college to learn about library science, not accessorizing. Tina was a fashion plate, but she had the skinny model body for it. I was a little too round everywhere to be stylish.

Sitting in my Research Studies class, I felt my breakfast Cheerios doing a cartoon high step (I'm sure it's just me, but I wasn't clear on what a "cartoon high step" is.) in my stomach. I barely made it to the bathroom before losing everything. Afterwards I didn't feel ill anymore, so I figured the milk must have been bad or something. And I always feel better after I throw up. I still felt odd, but I was a college student - up all night and in class all day; it was no surprise I felt a little off. Back in my dorm I lielay down and decided to skip my next class. A few minutes later the phone rang.

"Natayla, you must come. Nama is sick."

It was Grandpa, not Grandma Nama, so I suspected we had a problem. I just didn't know it was fatal. (The logic of the first sentence threw me -- how did the caller being Grandpaw instead of Grandma automatically mean that there was a problem. And isn't the fact that Nama is sick already a problem? Can you clarify here? But I liked the last sentence -- good cliffhanger.)

As you can see, there are a few words and phrases that can be cut to improve the pacing without damaging the narrative. Other than that, Tricia, carry on. Nice work.

Comments, anyone?

For what it's worth,

Ray

Public floggings available. If I can post it here, send 1st chapter or prologue as an attachment (cutting and pasting and reformatting from an email is a time-consuming pain) and I'll critique the first couple of pages.

ARCHIVES .

© 2007 Ray Rhamey

Comments

[Tricia]

Thanks for the critique, Ray. I will tighten it up and keep going. I'm revising, and this really helps me see what needs work.

Sorry I didn't read the directions!

[strugglingwriter]

I really enjoyed this one and would definitely turn the page. Nice work Tricia.