Flogometer—the page turned, but then stalled out

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective. Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page).

This is for Marti. Here are the first 16 lines:

I pulled the front door open to see two State Troopers.

This can't be good.

I peered at the officers through the screen.  They were both holding their hats, sweating in the July heat.

"Miss Cunningham?"

"Yes."

"May we come in?"

"What's going on?" I asked, even though a rock was forming in my throat.

"There's been an accident."

Oh, no, was my brother out drinking?

"Yes, come in."

I motioned them to the couch, and sat in the chair across from them. I was worried about the next exchange, terrified that Tom had crashed his car - again.

"You are related to Jim and Alice Cunningham, right?"

The rock dropped to my stomach.  My voice refused to form words, so I nodded.

"I'm sorry to inform you that Mr. and Mrs. Cunningham were killed..."

Despite the fact that this opening is slow moving and sparse on some elements, the situation -- someone being informed about the death of family members -- got me to turn the page. It's a human experience that most of us will, some time or another, have. So I wanted to see how this character dealt with it.

But my interest sputtered out on the next page. I can't reprise it all here, but the narration continued to "over-tell" what was going on. It quickly skipped to the cemetery, and we started getting bits of backstory and exposition about the character's ne'er-do-well brother.

This opening narrative amounts to what one commenter to FtQ calls "throat-clearing." Your job is to get to the good stuff right NOW. For example, in this narrative, the really interesting part came on page three, much too late to hook me. The protagonist is at the cemetery, at the fresh graves of her parents, and her father's voice whispers in her ear. Now that's interesting.

Even then, the narrative dawdled, detailing every tiny reaction the character had. The pace never got up to a speed capable of sweeping me forward.

I think Marti has a good story to tell -- there were intriguing hints of mystery and paranormal stuff -- and her writing will get there. But I think she needs to find a good critique partner or group and learn what needs to be trimmed. For example, on page 11, in a conversation that isn't really credible, she comes to suspect that her brother may have caused her parent's death. It shouldn't have taken us 11 pages to get to that point.

A few notes on craft, just to be helpful:

I pulled the front door open to see two State Troopers.

I wouldn't capitalize "State Troopers."

They were both holding their hats, sweating in the July heat.

Use of "to be" verb plus a gerund adds up to weaker prose. Also, don't need "both" as long as you've said "they" -- one or the other will do. Construction a little iffy, too -- are the troopers sweating in the heat, or their hats?

Sweating in the heat, they held their hats.

This can't be good.

The change in tense is a little disconcerting, although at least it didn't include "she thought." For internal monologue like this, just keep the tense the same.

That couldn't be good.

"What's going on?" I asked, even though a rock was forming in my throat.

I'm against using "asked" when the statement is clearly a question (the question mark being a great clue for the reader). And then there's that bit of "wasing" -- another to be verb and a participle. This could be tighter -- it doesn't really even need a dialogue tag. For example:

"What's going on?" A rock formed in my throat.

The following I didn't find credible:

"There's been an accident."

Oh, no, was my brother out drinking?

"Yes, come in."

I motioned them to the couch, and sat in the chair across from them.

I don't know about you, but if two cops appeared on my porch and said that there'd been an accident, my response would not have been to ask them to come in and then have them seated in this way. I'd immediately say, "Who? What happened!?" Wouldn't you?

There's a rule of thumb regarding what your characters should do -- always have them act in the best, smartest way possible for them. I'll add "realistically" to that. In this case, I think the writer didn't do that, preferring instead to get them inside the house. As it turns out, there was no particular reason for that.

The rock dropped to my stomach.  My voice refused to form words, so I nodded.

I liked "The rock dropped to my stomach." But her voice refusing to form words, well, my voice never refuses to do my bidding. Keep it simple, I say. For example,

The rock dropped to my stomach. Words wouldn't come, so I nodded.

Okay. I did the little edits above to make some craft points, but I should add that I recommend that Marti look later in the narrative for the place to start. And to skip the backstory, at least clumps of it.

You can do it. Keep at it.

Comments, anyone?

For what it's worth,

Ray

Public floggings available. If I can post it here, send 1st chapter or prologue as an attachment (cutting and pasting and reformatting from an email is a time-consuming pain) and I'll critique the first couple of pages.

ARCHIVES .

© 2007 Ray Rhamey

Comments

[Marti]

Thank you for your advice. Looks like I've got my work cut out for me!