Flogometer—mysteriousness turned the page

Brief plug: the Murder in the Grove writers conference in Boise, Idaho is well done and a lot of fun, especially if you're into mystery. My Flash Editing workshop went well, and was lively and educational, as usual. And I got to meet more writers, including the keynote speaker, Robert Crais. I didn't know his work before, but am reading his new novel, The Watchman, now and enjoying it a lot. Compelling storytelling, indeed.

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The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective. Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page).

This is for Michelle. Here are the first 16 lines:

After.

I still to this moment do not know where they came from.

Or maybe I do know but I do not wish to face it.

You see there is a slight possibility that they are me and that I am them.

Someone, perhaps She, perhaps it or they sprung from my essential river.

But this is the thought that really frightens me, did I spring from them?

Does that make me a monster as they were?

I am not sure where I am.

My name is Tamareece and I am mad.

I am alone in a dark cage that swings high above a straw covered floor in a room, that a month ago I would have insisted did not, could not, exist.

And now it is my whole world.

They feed me sometimes and sometimes they do not. A year ago I would have delighted in the shrinking of my flesh, but now the lack of me terrifies me right down to the base of my soul.

Yet therein lays the question, do I even posses a soul? Perhaps it is this, and not the confinement that has brought me to this state. Or I could wholly blame them, curse them into the ground, yet then I would be cursing myself, would I not? I am a triple and there are three of me, three of them.

This made me wonder what was going on here, and I did indeed turn the page. The nature of the writing was both attractive and not -- well done (except for a few comma faults), yet its high style was a little slow to read and I felt I didn't want to read a whole novel written this way. The italics were bothersome, too.

Michelle does set the scene in a compelling way -- a madwoman in a cage is intriguing. The protagonist's monologue definitely raises story questions. So it was a good opening.

The following page shifted to a much more "normal" scene with what might or might not be a different woman. No longer in italics. That scene was brief and equally mysterious. And so was the next one, which I think involved the madwoman, but I wasn't sure. There are things to work on in this narrative.

Missing commas in some places, an extra one in others, for example. I'm going to do away with the italics for this. Hope you can see the additions and deletions.

You see, there is a slight possibility that they are me and that I am them.

Someone, perhaps She, perhaps it or they, sprung from my essential river.

But this is the thought that really frightens me, -- did I spring from them?

I am alone in a dark cage that swings high above a straw-covered (hyphenate "straw covered," a compound adjective) floor in a room, that a month ago I would have insisted did not, could not, exist.

And so on. Michelle's way with commas continued, but so did the nice writing. A good copyeditor could help with this. I should add that, in the pages that followed, I felt she was taking a little too long to get to the story. Were I Michelle, I'd look for ways to tighten the narrative, shortening it and quickening the pace somewhat. And, unless there's a good reason for the narrator to "speak" in the manner she does, I'd consider toning the language down a little to match the more straightforward narrative in other parts.

There were little continuity glitches, too. In a sequence on a following page the protagonist is washing the breakfast dishes and drops a dish, and then tells us it was a cup she liked. I'll also caution you, Michelle, about dropping into backstory so soon. Get me to the story!

All in all, fresh and interesting work. Keep after it -- and find a copyeditor.

Comments, anyone?

For what it's worth,

Ray

Public floggings available. If I can post it here, send 1st chapter or prologue as an attachment (cutting and pasting and reformatting from an email is a time-consuming pain) and I'll critique the first couple of pages.

ARCHIVES .

© 2007 Ray Rhamey

Comments

[Jessica]

I was definitely intrigued. Clean, clear writing. If it were my story (and it isn't), I'd bag the italics, but that's just my preference as a reader. What a fascinating beginning!