Flogometer—I waffled, then declined

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective. Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page).

This is for Colleen. Here are the first 16 lines:

The girl enters the dressing room and places three coats on a large hook. The first is the one she wants, the other two are decoys. She closes the door behind her and slides the latch into place. Setting her backpack on the bench, she removes her tools: a pair of dressmaker's scissors, wire cutters and a safety razor blade. If she is caught, she doesn't think pre-meditation will enter into the charge. Shoplifting In The First Degree. The thought brings forth a smile twisted with bitterness. She lifts her hand over her mouth to stifle a laugh. It is the first sign of mirth she has shown in weeks.

The object of her desire is removed from its hanger, its security device examined. The mechanism is attached through the side seam right below the underarm. She has two options as she sees it. She can cut away the leather around the seam, remove the tag then pay a seamstress to repair the damaged coat, or she can attempt to cut away the three wire prongs that hold the plastic-and-metal tag into place.

The prongs don't look too challenging. Her wire cutters are sturdy. Plus she knows she will never get to a tailor to fix the coat. She opts to cut the prongs. She is proud of the planning she has put into this; it makes her feel like a professional. Like a grown-up.

I'll admit it, I waffled. Turn the page? Not turn the page? I was curious…but was I compelled? In the end, I decided I wasn't compelled. To be honest, because I had the second page, I looked anyway.

There are definitely good things about this sample. Clean, professional writing -- but the writing is also a negative factor, IMO. The narrative lets us know that this girl is not an adult, but the narrative that's supposed to involve us in her experience is at several levels above what I'd expect from a teen. A few of the phrases that I think don't fit:

• The object of her desire
• First sign of mirth
• The mechanism is attached
• The prongs don't look too challenging. (Wouldn't a teen think: The prongs look easy.)

There's passive voice, too. For example, this sentence:

The object of her desire is removed from its hanger, its security device examined.

Why not something more active that involves the character?

She takes the coat from the hanger and studies the security tag.

The tone of the language also served to distance me from this character -- as did the reference to "the girl" instead of a name. She's an object, not a human being. Since the language suggests that the narrator is not the girl, then who is it? The arms-length quality of the narrative keeps it from engaging me emotionally with this character.

Overwriting makes an appearance early on, too, which is another indicator that there's more to follow, and overwriting never helps a story. For example:

She lifts her hand over her mouth to stifle a laugh.

In my view, "lifts her hand" is not needed. I believe a reader will easily fill in the blanks if the sentence was something like this:

She stifles a laugh with her hand.

Here's another example, and how it could be tightened:

She closes the door behind her and slides the latch into place. Setting her backpack on the bench, she removes her tools: a pair of dressmaker's scissors, wire cutters and a safety razor blade.

Is all that about closing the door behind her and sliding the latch needed, or even helpful? We know that she enters the dressing room from the first sentence, so why not cut to the chase?

She locks the door, sets her backpack on the bench, and removes her tools: a pair of dressmaker's scissors, wire cutters and a safety razor blade.

And then there's this sentence, which is also telling:

She has two options as she sees it.

The sentence that follows this illustrates her options, so this isn't needed at all. I also think "has two options" is another example of language that doesn't reflect a teen narrator.

Lastly, while there is some tension here -- the anonymous girl is clearly intent on stealing a coat -- I think it could be stronger.

For example: on the next page (BTW, it takes a whole page for "the girl" to cut off the security device) a store clerk knocks on the door. The girl diverts the clerk's attention and carries on. But what if, right here on the first page, the girl is already in the process of cutting the tag off when. . .

A knock on the door startles her and she drops the wire cutters. A woman's voice says, "Are you all right? Would you please open the door?" The door shakes as the woman tugs on it.

The above sounds so negative as I reread it, but I sure don't intend it that way. This could be a dramatic scene, but (for me -- remember, this is all subjective) the tone and the excesses of description keep throwing up speed bumps and keeping me from being sucked in.

I think Colleen has all the writing chops she needs in terms of being able to handle the language. And I suspect she has an interesting character with an interesting story to tell. I suggest, Colleen, that you set this draft of the chapter aside, then replay the scene as seen through a tense, anxious teenager's mind and show us what happens and how she feels.

For what it's worth,

Ray

Public floggings available. If I can post it here, send 1st chapter or prologue as an attachment (cutting and pasting and reformatting from an email is a time-consuming pain) and I'll critique the first couple of pages.

ARCHIVES .

© 2007 Ray Rhamey

Comments

[Colleen]

I can't thank you enough for this. You are right, the language doesn't reflect a teen. Now that you've pointed out a few of the awkward phrases, I agree that they are dreadful and not only because of language level, but also because they feel contrived. Thanks for being encouraging as well. I know I still have a lot to learn. It's good to know that I may be able to get where I need to be. Many, many thanks. Colleen

[Jessica]

I thought the prose was clean, and the setup was ripe for tension. I'd have to agree with Ray, though, that the voice was too distant for me to really feel for the character. I felt like I was reading stage directions much of the time. But I was interested in the MC and her motivations. Why was shoplifting giving her the only mirth she'd felt in weeks? What else was going on in her life? I'd have turned the page.

[John Palmer]

How could the girl, with those tools in her possession, using them as she does, think for a second that, if caught, no-one would think it was premeditated?

[mai]

I don't think you sounded negative. What I picked up from your comments was concern: The writer can write better, and you want her to do so. That kind of concern can be very encouraging for a writer.

[Colleen]

Thanks everyone for your feedback (esp. Jessica who would have turned the page!
:-)) While I had already made some of the changes suggested since submitting, many of the flaws remained and it has been helpful to have them pointed out to me. I'm busy working on a new version. Writing fiction is a new gig for me and I have new techniques to learn. All comments are welcome. C