Flogometer—I turned the page, but with trepidation

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective. Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page).

This is for Belea. Here are the first 16 lines:

Bay Area Exotic Feline Refuge
October 21, 10:17 a.m.

Jared Montaine was used to hearing screams.

A cougar's piercing shriek, a leopard's mournful call, the ratchet and spit of a bobcat. But a human scream in his wildlife refuge only meant trouble and more trouble, he didn't need.

His stomach clenched as he jogged past a cougar cage, arms swinging. Running always stirred up the cats. The cougars, Rasputin and Rhiannon, padded along with him as he went past, then they sat and pressed their faces to the wire. One of them trilled.

"Later, kids." Jared's fingers trailed against the cold chain link. His walkie-talkie buzzed again on his belt.

Peter Alston, his assistant, voice shaky. "Uh, Jared, you coming?"

"On my way, at the lions now." The scream again, this time doubled through the little microphone. He lengthened his stride and the agitated lions jogged with him from inside their habitat.

Wild cats rushed to their cage fronts, excited, as he moved past them: tawny lions and cougars, the grey-tufted lynxes, spotted leopards, a jaguar.

The tour was at the rear of the compound, a half-dozen people huddled in front of Tasha's cage. The black leopard snarled, her beaten jaw permanently askew. She paced behind

Actually this was 18 lines, but I didn't count the first two place/time notations. BTW, I think the place should have been worked into the narrative rather than called out, and that the time notation is probably not going to contribute -- when the readers starts, she has no reason to see any significance to the time, so I doubt it will be noted or remembered until the next time notation comes up. If it's important, then make it so in the narrative, IMO.

I turned the page for a couple of reasons -- someone screaming in the midst of a bunch of lions and tigers was a great hook, and the world of big cats the narrative promised was interesting. Mostly I wanted to find out about that scream.

Belea has done a lot of things right -- opened with action, and introduces her protagonist in a scene with good tension. But I did feel trepidation from signs of overwriting, and there was a comma fault. On the second page, the overwriting continued. Belea sent several pages, and I skimmed ahead. The pace slowed a great deal, too much for my interest, as she gave me exposition. I think this is a romance, but in seven pages no real core story question was raised. So I wouldn't have continued. There's solid writing here, but too much of it in places for my taste. Some notes on the sample:

Jared Montaine was used to hearing screams. (Terrific opening line.)

A cougar's piercing shriek, a leopard's mournful call, the ratchet and spit of a bobcat. But a human scream in his wildlife refuge only meant trouble and more trouble, he didn't need. comma problem: I think the last bit should be only meant trouble, and more trouble he didn't need.)

His stomach clenched as he jogged past a cougar cage, arms swinging. Running always stirred up the cats. The cougars, Rasputin and Rhiannon, padded along with him as he went past, then they sat and pressed their faces to the wire. One of them trilled. (I liked the cougar part, but there's a staging problem -- how can he know the cats press their faces to the wire? They're behind him, and he can't see them. I'm not sure about the stomach clenching -- the intent is good, but the phrase feels tired. I'd look for a fresher way to show his tension. And the arms swinging didn't add anything -- we've already visualized him jogging, which includes arm movement, so it contributes nothing, in my view. And would he just jog? I'd think he'd run hard because this could be bad trouble. Feels like the response is too casual to me. Also, running hard would crank up the tension -- his jogging lets the reader relax; if he's not in a hurry to find out what's happening, why should the reader care?)

"Later, kids." Jared's fingers trailed against the cold chain link. His walkie-talkie buzzed again on his belt. (I deleted the fingers trailing because: a. it didn't contribute to moving the story forward; b. it seemed an odd thing to do when jogging toward a human screaming in a park full of big cats; c. if I were to keep it, I wouldn't have his fingers leave his body to play with the fence, I'd say that Jared trailed his fingers etc. Keep an eye out for tightening through the deletion of narrative that's not working to deliver story, especially in the first 16 lines.)

Peter Alston, his assistant, voice shaky. "Uh, Jared, you coming?"

"On my way, at the lions now." The scream again, this time doubled through the little microphone. (Nice touch of detail.) He lengthened his stride and the agitated lions jogged with him from inside their habitat.

Wild cats rushed to their cage fronts, excited, aswhen he moved past them: tawny lions and cougars, the grey-tufted lynxes, spotted leopards, a jaguar.

The tour was at the rear of the compound, He came to a half-dozen people huddled in front of Tasha's cage. The black leopard snarled, her beaten jaw permanently askew. She paced behind (The location of the group at the rear of the compound isn't necessary information, and feels passive. Better, I think, to stay in his point of view and just get him there.)

There was a little bit of a disappointment when I got to the cage on the next page because the screams were coming from a child throwing a tantrum. It was eased a little when we learned that she suffered from Down Syndrome (in the U.S., it's "Down Syndrome, not Downs's).

The story at that point became pleasant but not compelling, and the narrative continued to need tightening. It's a good start, Belea, just focus on forcing readers to keep turning that page. Thanks for sending your work.

For what it's worth,

Ray

Public floggings available. If I can post it here, send 1st chapter or prologue as an attachment (cutting and pasting and reformatting from an email is a time-consuming pain) and I'll critique the first couple of pages.

ARCHIVES .

© 2007 Ray Rhamey

Comments

[Belea T. Keeney]

Ray,
It's very kind of you to do this for writers and I appreciate your time and comments. I like your suggestions about the tension slacking off and that's something I can fix.

I'll go back through this section and tweak a few things you've brought to my attention.

Thanks again!
Belea