Flogometer—rewrite earns a maybe

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective. Note: all the Flogometer posts are here. In a properly formatted manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page).

Richard's opening pages were flogged last week, and I mentioned that I thought he'd lost his voice. Richard wrote to tell me that . . .

"The opening was discussed at a critique group and finally was essentially rewritten by the group leader, a published author in suspense fiction. In so doing, he lost my 'voice,' but equally important, the immediacy of the third-person POV went out the window."

Richard also sent a rewrite of his opening. I thought it would be worthwhile to review it as well. Here are the first 16 lines of the rewrite:

Ben felt the knife before he heard the words.

A sharp prick just below his right ear was followed by a raspy whisper: "Don't move.

His body froze, but his eyes flicked left and right. At two AM the hospital parking garage was deserted. No help there.

"Step away from the car." The voice was harsh and low-pitched, a rumbling bass that made his skin crawl. "Drop the keys."

Ben complied. He prayed that whoever was behind him would take the few dollars in his wallet and leave. Hey, let them have the car if they wanted it. Just so he got out of this alive.

He started to turn, and the pressure from the knife increased. Now something was running down his neck, onto his chest and back. Blood? Sweat? Maybe both.

The pricking stopped. Ben breathed again. "Look," he said, "whoever you are. Just take what you want and leave. I don't -- "

An arm around his neck cut off words and air alike. He bent backward, trying to relieve the pressure. He strained to take in a breath, and the sound screeched in his ears, worse than any of the asthmatics he'd treated in the emergency room.

"Listen, Doc. We was told to make sure you knew you had to cooperate. Pay attention."

I think this is much improved over the version sent last week. I gave it a maybe because, perhaps, I'm not fresh to it any more and don't have a good feel for it.

However, there are opportunities missed and craft warning signs -- some telling, some overwriting. Here are some edits/notes:

Ben felt the knife before he heard the words.This is telling. Your job is to give the character's experience, not tell us about it. The next paragraph does a better job of showing. This line is not necessary. Also, how does he know it's a knife? Could be a bug bite. He might swat at it with his hand, for example.)

A sharp prick just below his right ear was followed by a raspy whisper: "Don't move."(In thinking about this, it doesn't strike me that a "prick" is terribly threatening. As mentioned earlier, it could be a bug. For my money, a hand reaching from behind and a sharp blade across his throat would be much more terrifying.)

His bodyHe froze., but hHis eyes flicked left and right. At two A. M. the hospital parking garage was deserted. No help there.(Maybe the reference to "his body…but his eyes" was an effort to be perfectly clear, but the reference to "his body" distances me from the close POV. Ben wouldn't think of himself in this way. Keep it simple. The last sentence is redundant -- if the garage is deserted, then it's obvious that there's no help. Something to think about: if the garage is deserted, how did this guy sneak up on him? Note that turning this into short, crisp sentences creates more vivid action.)

"Drop the keys.""Step away from the car." The voice was harsh and low-pitched, a rumbling bass that made his Ben's skin crawled.  (You've already described the voice as raspy. Is there a real need for more? I believe, from what I read earlier, that this is a thug who will not be around later, so why the overly detailed description of his voice? In either case, this is too much for me. I changed the pronoun "his" to "Ben's" to make sure the reader doesn't think we're referring to the attacker who starts the paragraph. Staging question: we didn't know he was near his car. A little bit of action would help us "see" what's going on. More: the two commands -- step away from the car and drop the keys -- don't seem to both be necessary. I think just drop the keys is plenty. And the attacker wouldn't want Ben moving, he'd want him still -- in fact, he told him not to move.)

Ben complied.The keys clattered on the cement floor. He prayed that whoever was behind him would take the few dollars in his wallet and leave. Hey, let them have the car if they wanted it. Just so he got out of this alive. ("complied" seems a stiff, formal word, and it's "telling." Show the keys dropping in some way as in the thought starter. And the last line didn't seem to contribute anything we weren't already understanding.)

He started to turn, and the pressure from the knife increased. Now something was running down his neck, onto his chest and back. Blood? Sweat? Maybe both.(Why would he try to turn and risk a knife going into his neck? This slows things down. Suggest delete because it's not totally credible, and not needed, IMO.)

The pricking stopped. Ben breathed again.said, "Look," he said, "whoever you are. Just take what you want and leave. I don't -- "

An arm around his neck cut off words and air alike. He bent backward, trying to relieve the pressure. He strained to breathe take in a breath, and the sound screeched in his ears, worse than any of the asthmatics he'd treated in the emergency room. (If you go with the suggestion you'll see below, this could come out.)

"Listen, Doc. We was told to make sure you knew you had to cooperate. Pay attention."

As you can see, this editor feels that the narrative can be tightened quite a bit. That should increase the pace and tension, and help move the reader forward and into the story. I cut almost 60 words (net, after my additions), a fourth of the total narrative. But I didn't lose any key information.

I think there are other opportunities that Richard should think about. One thing that comes to mind is to help the reader care a little about Ben. One thing that could be done would be to identify him right up front as a doctor. We (our culture) tend to value physicians, and this mere identification can lift the level of a reader's interest and sympathy.

Here's a thought-starter for you, Richard, to set the scene and add appeal to your character (unlike your critique leader, I don't rewrite, and believe everything should come from your voice -- but I do make suggestions for narrative content that I think might help, to be used if you wish, however you wish). I added a hint of family for the doc, too, even though I have no idea if there is one. But there must be something similar you can call upon.

Dr. Ben Cooper pulled his car keys from his pocket, glad for the quiet of the hospital parking garage at three a.m. after a night of cries and screams in the emergency room. The teddy bear he'd bought for Becky grinned up at him from the passenger seat, and he smiled at the thought of how much she'd love it. Then a hand flashed in front of his face, steel glittered, and a sharp line of pain pressed against his throat.

This is just meant to illustrate how, in a few lines of narrative, you can place the character, set the scene, give the reader meaningful, sympathetic characteristics, and then thrust him into jeopardy. With an opening paragraph such as this, I think a reader will be more likely to read on than with a "sharp prick" at the neck of some anonymous guy named Ben.

Thanks for sending your work, Richard, and good luck.

For what it's worth,

Ray

Public floggings available. If I can post it here, send 1st chapter or prologue as an attachment (cutting and pasting and reformatting from an email is a time-consuming pain) and I'll critique the first couple of pages.

ARCHIVES .

© 2007 Ray Rhamey

Comments

[Susie]

Ray? Did you make a goof in this last posting? Ben smiled 'at the thought' of.... Should it be - Ben smiled when he thought of.... ? Is this sort of like, his eyes moved about the room.... instead of - his gaze moved about the room?

I would probably write this way... at the thought of.... and then change it to - when (whoever) thought of.

Thanks, Susie

[Ray Rhamey]

Susie,

First, I think both ways are acceptible.

The way I put it, "at the thought," is a way to summarize what really happened in a manner that I felt readers would understand. The "unsaid" part would be something like:

"The teddy bear he'd bought for Becky grinned up at him from the passenger seat. An image of how she'd hug it and love it rose in his mind, and he smiled at the thought."

I didn't want to spend that much narrative to include all of that. To my mind, it's okay for a character to react in some way to a thought that the reader can easily fill in satisfactorily. And, as Stephen King advocates, let the reader fill in the fine details--in this case, exactly how the child would react. The important part is the character's loving gift and how he feels about it, and I think that was communicated.

Keep in mind that I do not spend a lot of time crafting these illustrations--they are intended to be thought starters, not award-winning narrative.

That's my view, anyway.

Thanks for the question,

Ray

[Marti]

{{Sigh of relief}} I've used "at the thought of" so I'm glad to know it is considered acceptable.

I wrote you a letter for a free edit offer, and included the first chapter. It is fine with me if you use it here. I'm eager to see what you have to say, and bracing myself for the flogging - LOL