The Flogometer returns with its challenge: a first page that compels me to turn to the next page. Caveat: please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective. Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.
This one's for Richard. The first 16 lines he sent are:
"Don't move!"
The guttural voice came from behind him. The prick of a knife against his neck served as punctuation.
Ben's body froze, but his eyes darted right and left.
Suddenly, he felt an arm around his neck, pulling him back, almost choking him.
"Look…," Ben croaked.
The pressure increased, cutting off his words.
"OK," he managed to whisper, "you win." His pulse pounded in his ears, almost drowning out the attacker's next words.
"We hear you don't want to cooperate. This is to convince you." Three vicious blows rained onto his kidneys.
Ben's cry of pain echoed through the darkness of the hospital's empty parking garage. He slumped forward.
The restraining arm brought him up short, cutting off his air.
Ben scrambled to get his feet under him. The pressure on his throat lessened ever so slightly. He managed to gulp a strident breath.
Richard is doing some things right, but there were too many warning signs in the area of craft that forestalled a page turn. There's a lack of "voice," too.
He starts with a scene, and with action. Good. But the narrative was burdened by too many adjectives and a staging problem, and the sense that the narrative was overwritten.
Some notes: this may be a very subjective thing, but there are times when I feel that the article "a" is better than "the." The second sentence is an example. For me, when the narrative refers to "the something" it means a specific object that the reader is aware of. If the something is new to the reader, and undistinguished from other similar things by the narrative, to me it should be less specific.
In the first sentence, "A guttural voice" feels much more right to me because, just like the protagonist, I know nothing more about it. I wasn't too happy about "guttural." It's not wrong, but it didn't really bring a picture to mind.
Other adjectives that were more like telling than showing for this reader were:
- vicious blows (also a bit of a cliché)
- strident breath (an uncommon word that slowed me)
- restraining arm (unnecessary)
I thought the second sentence in that second paragraph. . .
The prick of a knife against his neck served as punctuation.
. . .started well, but the "served as punctuation" part threw me off. It seems like punctuation applies to a statement, not a voice. But this description refers to the voice.
This sentence uses two words that I feel should be avoided:
Suddenly, he felt an arm around his neck.
The adverb "suddenly" is, in my experience, overused. For me, if it goes away the narrative loses nothing. If an arm grabs this person by the neck, the suddenness of the action is apparent.
I also advocate using a verb other that "felt." Rather than telling
us that the character felt something, more often it's better to show
what he feels. Why not, simply. . .
An arm hooked hooked around his throat and jerked back.
That's rough, but you get the picture. Other nits:
- Blows are "rained" (cliché) on his kidneys. Both of them? There are two, one on each side of the body. If there's one attacker who has one arm around the victim's neck, then how did both kidneys get rained on?
- He "scrambled to get his feet under him" But when did his feet go out from under him? He's standing when attacked, and that doesn't change in the narrative. A staging problem.
- There's "telling" throughout. One example: "The pressure increased." That's information, a report, not showing. How to show? "The arm tightened on his neck. . ."
An example of overwriting from later in the narrative:
An expletive split the night, delivered so forcefully that Ben could smell the garlic on his assailant's breath.
"An expletive?" Not very powerful, especially in a tense action scene. For my money, it should be clear, short, and simple, i.e. "Shit!" I also think that this victim, being knifed, strangled, etc. would hardly be aware of garlic on the guy's breath. Richard, imagine yourself in your character's position: wouldn't you be thinking things like "I'm going to die." or "How can I get away?" or something stemming from the intense fear this poor man is experiencing?
On voice: I think Richard spent so much effort on specific elements of the narrative (adjectives, etc.) that his natural voice stiffened. I didn't feel the confident, "you're in good hands" kind of authorial voice that promised I would be swept away. I think Richard needs a good coach, and to perhaps set this opening aside, climb inside the head of the man who's attacked, and rewrite it to give us the guy's experience, not just information on what's happening. If you get into a true close third person, phrases like "the restraining arm" wouldn't be appearing.
Keep writing, though, Richard. There's promise here. Thanks for sending your sample, and good luck with your writing.
UPDATE: Richard has sent a rewrite of his work. Much improved. Will post it next week, with notes.
For what it's worth.
Questions, anyone?
If anyone has a question on the craft of storytelling or writing for effect, please ask. It helps me to think about all aspects of writing, and some writers tell me that the answers help them. So please ask, either in an email or in a comment.
For what it's worth,
Ray
Public floggings available. If I can post it here, send 1st chapter or prologue as an attachment (cutting and pasting and reformatting from an email is a time-consuming pain) and I'll critique the first couple of pages.
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