Flogometer -- I turned the page because it's Abe

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective. Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page).

This is for Chris. Here are his first 16 lines:

A hand in a leather glove presses down over Abraham Lincoln's mouth. A hand the size of a frying pan. His eyes snap open. They adjust to the darkness and see a mustachioed face, and presumed owner of the leather-clad hand. The emasculate mustache moves down toward him out of the darkness.

"Don't struggle or scream or we'll kill you," the mustachioed lips whisper, now only inches from Abe's nose.

The man has a creamy coffee smooth voice, and the hot breath invading Abe's nostrils smells strongly of tuna fish. The odor is oddly calming.

"Do you understand?"

Abe nods and lets his gaze drift over the mustachioed man's shoulder. He sees a woman with shoulder length hair lurking in the shadows. A black patch covers her right eye socket. The woman's single-eyed stare is probing Abe with such intrusiveness that he feels like he's at a proctology exam. Her skin is pale and her face floats in the black corner of the room. It looks like a wig-topped, glow-in-the-dark skull on a stick.

"Alright, now I'm going to roll you over and tie your hands together, do not struggle, or make a sound," says the mustachioed man in his crooning voice.

Okay, I turned the page, mostly because I was curious about why a character named Abraham Lincoln in modern times. The writing has some style, too -- although, to my mind, there's overwriting. This writer had better not disappoint the reader regarding the character's name -- it sets up expectations that the story will in some way relate to Abe Lincoln the president. Of course, in the few pages I received, that wasn't apparent.

I turned the page and then skimmed ahead. I found a number of instances of overwriting -- unnecessarily fulsome ways of expressing simple things. I'll show a prime example in a moment. But first, a critical look at the sample:

A hand in a leather glove presses down over Abraham Lincoln's mouth. A hand the size of a frying pan. His eyes snap open. They adjust to the darkness and he sees a mustachioed face, and the presumed owner of the leather-clad hand. The emasculate (???) mustache moves down toward him out of the darkness. (For me, showing the experience from the point of view of his eyes is less intimate than showing it from that of the man. And as for "emasculate," I think you mean something like "immaculate." "Emasculate" has to do with lacking masculinity, hardly a characteristic of a mustache.)

"Don't struggle or scream or we'll kill you," the mustachioed lips whisper, now only inches from Abe's nose. (While this structure is acceptable, I think the reader would more easily visualize what's happening if the cues are rearranged. For example: The mustachioed lips, now only inches from Abe's nose, whisper. . . As you read this, you visualize first and then "hear" the speech as opposed to having to mentally backtrack. I call this "writing for effect.")

The man has a creamy coffee-smooth voice, and his the hot breath invading Abe's nostrils smells strongly of tuna fish. The odor is oddly calming. (IMO, breath "invading Abe's nostrils" is raises a couple of issues: overwriting, and it distances the reader from the character -- a man would never think of something "invading his nostrils," especially in this situation, he would simply experience the odor.)

"Do you understand?"

Abe nods. and lets his gaze drift over the mustachioed man's shoulder. He sees a woman with shoulder length hair behind the man, lurking in the shadows. A black patch covers her right eye socket. The woman's single-eyed stare is probingprobes Abe with such intrusiveness that he feels like he's at a proctology exam. Her skin is pale and her face floats in the black corner of the room . It looks like a wig-topped, glow-in-the-dark skull on a stick. (Nice visual there at the end. At the front end, though, it's hard to believe that a man who has been awakened by a hand clamping over his mouth and threatened would have the calm to "let his gaze drift." No, I think his gaze would be darting all over the place. In this case, just show the reader what he sees/experiences. Also, for me, the "proctology exam" simile is a bit too lighthearted for a man to be thinking when he's being threatened with being killed. I suggest searching for something more deadly in nature -- or not; two similes in one paragraph is a bit of overkill.)

"Alright, now I'm going to roll you over and tie your hands together, do not struggle, or make a sound," says the mustachioed man in his crooning voice. (I don't really like "his crooning voice" for a couple of reasons. If that has been the nature of his delivery all along, this is far too late to be letting the reader hear it. If it's just for this line, then use "croons" instead of "says" and keep it simple. IMO.)

In skimming more of the narrative, I noticed a couple of craft issues that I think Chris needs to address. There was overuse of having his character "feel" something, like this:

He feels the gargantuan hands grip his shoulders

Better:

The gargantuan hands grip his shoulders

In Chris's first 10 pages the word "feel" or a variation of it appeared 10 times. If I were you, Chris, I'd do a search for "feel" and eliminate as many as possible.

Here's a clear example of overwriting:

the woman presses her black shoe to the brake

In the scene, this kind of detail was totally unnecessary. That she slowed the car is all that's needed. Why take the reader's mind's eye down to the footwell of a car to peer at a black shoe when what they should be seeing is the car slowing?

While you have a fine imagination and do some excellent visualizing, Chris, in my view you need some tough-minded critiquers or an editor who can help you tighten your narrative. I think this kind of character-in-danger narrative calls for a quicker pace than your sometimes extensive, detailed descriptions allow for. But that could just be me.

Oh, a formatting note: nowadays the style is only one space separating sentences, and you consistently type two. I've retrained myself to use only one, and suggest you do as well.

Thanks for sending your work, Chris, and good luck.

For what it's worth,

Ray

Public floggings available. If I can post it here, send 1st chapter or prologue as an attachment (cutting and pasting and reformatting from an email is a time-consuming pain) and I'll critique the first couple of pages.

ARCHIVES .

© 2007 Ray Rhamey

Comments

[Jessica]

I was absolutely holding my breath...because I thought it was Abe Lincoln, the president. The word 'proctology' threw me, because the term strikes me as too modern for the 1860s.

I agree that who Abe actually is would have to be handled carefully, because if using a powerful name like that is *only* a device, I'd feel angry and cheated--and I think other people would, too.

If the MC were a descendant of Lincoln, or a Lincoln impersonator, or someone who thought he was Lincoln--now that would be satisfying.

I thought the writing read nice and tight. I'd have bought the book based on this first page.

[Susie]

Ray - Only one space between sentences? I was always taught there were two spaces between. Do you think I need to change this in my manuscript before sending it to an agent or publisher?
Thanks, ~Susie

[Ray Rhamey]

Susie, I wouldn't worry about it. You can get answers on both sides of this coin. The current mode derives from contemporary typesetting style: just one space between sentences.

For me, I've gotten so accustomed to one space that seeing two really jumps out at me. But it's not "wrong." On the other hand, using just one space over thousands of sentences can save space and sometimes paper.

Don't sweat the small change, just polish your work until the gleam is all a reader can see.

Ray