Flogometer—I turned the page, but was let down

The Flogometer continues with its challenge: a first page that compels me to turn to the next page. Caveat: please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective. Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

This one's for Scott. Having seen previous Flogometer entries, Scott doesn't expect success. Here's what he had to say:

"I expect you won't like it because nothing much happens in my first two pages. It's the beginning of a two (or three) novel series, so I don't rush the reader into the story.

"The purpose of the opening scene is to set the mood of the coming story. I'd like the majesty of the scene to draw the reader in and place them there. And maybe it does that, or maybe it doesn't, but if your criteria is "Lights, camera, action!" my submission fails that test.

"So maybe the question is, if your story doesn't open with action (for whatever reason) how best to open your story, and how long do you have before there must be action?"

I'm glad that Scott wrote the above because it's good to discuss what we're about as novelists crafting the openings of novels. I realize that the Flogometer's first-16-lines test is harsh. But so is the world of submissions. You have to break out of, frequently, 100s of submissions on an agent's desk. The sharper your first page, the greater your chances of involving an agent. The sharper your second page, the greater your chances of hooking her.

Scott says he's not rushing the reader into his story because it's the beginning of a series. Okay, but if you don't hook the reader on story number 1, it's not a series, it's a rejection.

I will agree with Scott that it's a purpose of the opening scene to set the mood of the story, but I feel that's subordinate to the purpose of nailing the reader's interest by baiting the hook with irresistible narrative. If the mood thus set by Scott's narrative is engaging enough to do that, then fine. But if it isn't. . .

One more thing: I don't say that all novels MUST open with action. But I believe that they must open with tension. They must raise at least one story question that's strong enough to make me wonder what going to happen next. They should suggest that a story worth listening to has just started.

So let's have a taste. Here are the first 16 lines of Scott's novel:

The arctic bison grazed lazily on the grasses at his feet. The sun, though low in the sky, warmed his back. Around him rose the bleats of the summer's calves as they chased each other in and out of the herd. Behind him, hundreds of miles of open grassland. Overhead, wisps of cirrus clouds lingered in the sky.

The grass stirred under his feet. He raised his head. Wind.

Beneath the scent of wildflowers and prairie grass, his nose sensed an icy touch. Winter, and with it the wind which scoured the life from this plain, was coming. With a barely perceptible snort, the gray-maned bison turned south toward the Silver Spine. There, they'd struggle against wolves and mountain lions. But there, they would also survive.

His signal spread throughout the herd and within minutes it began to gather speed. The calves quickly fell in line as thousands of bison began moving in unison. Their thundering hooves drowned out the tranquil sounds of the prairie. Giant cranes, disturbed from their nests, circled in the sky while the bison passed underneath them. Some would land again once the bison were gone. But others, perhaps sensing what was coming, followed the bison south. Within weeks, all the natural life of this plain had gone, either underground or far to the south, where they would wait for winter to release its frozen grip on their home.

I waffled on turning the page, and then did. And was disappointed. You see, the bison had me interested. The narrative promised a life-and-death struggle with wolves. It seemed to be the story of the bison.

But it isn't. They go, perhaps never to return. On the second page I found a princess in a lonely prairie village, brought to tears by a mysterious letter. Scott, I found the second page to be a much more involving story because it immediately caught me up with an interesting person.

For my money, while the bison scene is nicely written, it is as clear a case of "throat-clearing" as I've seen in the Flogometer. It may set a mood, but are you saying that the princess scene that follows fails to have a mood? I don't agree. Were I you, I'd start with the princess.

While I think the writing is generally clean and good, and the opening description was nicely evocative, here are a few craft nit-picks:

• Do try to avoid adverbs, as in "grazed lazily"
• You have the grass stirring under the "feet" of a 2,000-pound bison. The grass under his hoovesis busy being crushed, not stirred by the wind.
• Try to replace participles such as "began moving" with stronger verbs, such as "moved"
• I think there's overwriting here. For example, "With a barely perceptible snort, the gray-maned bison turned…" The first phrase, with its adverb, is more telling than showing. And how important is it that the snort is "barely perceptible?" What does it mean that it is? I think you should either stick to simple action here, i.e. "The gray-maned bison snorted and turned. . ." Or, perhaps, if you want to characterize as well as describe, maybe "With a snort that was more of a sigh, the gray-maned bison turned. . ."
• I question the thundering hooves. I don't think that, for purposes of migrating, the herd would run, especially right at the start. They would walk. For one thing, calves are far less likely to be trampled or lost. So there is, for me, a credibility problem in this part of the narrative, and that makes what follows suspect, if you see what I mean.
  

Thank you, Scott, for the look at your work. You have to listen to your own muse for how your story starts, but I hope you'll give serious thought to engaging me with the princess, not the bison.

Questions, anyone?

If anyone has a question on the craft of storytelling or writing for effect, please ask. It helps me to think about all aspects of writing, and some writers tell me that the answers help them. So please ask, either in an email or in a comment.

For what it's worth,

Ray

Public floggings available. If I can post it here, send 1st chapter or prologue as an attachment and I'll critique the first couple of pages.

ARCHIVES .

© 2007 Ray Rhamey

Comments

[Erin]

I see that my submission is doomed then, because I do have some "scene setting" in my first chapter, though my heroine does appear in the very first line.

I think it might be because I tend to think in scenes rather than action. Action comes later, but when I begin a story, I usually have an image in my mind.

[Jessica]

I'd have read on. There were a couple of places I thought were overwritten, but I enjoyed the vividly described scenery and the feeling that something was about to happen.

[Kitty]

I'm glad Scott asked that question because not every great read begins with action. Sometimes, as Ray answered, an interesting person (voice) makes me turn the page. Nora Ephron's Heartburn is a perfect example. Read the excerpt and you'll see why: http://www.amazon.com/Heartburn-Virago-Modern-Classics-Ephron/dp/1860490247/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1/002-1218965-7138433?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1173387214&sr=1-1

[Kammy]

I would have turned the page on this one. The descriptions are vivid and make the creatures and their surroundings come alive. I definitely wanted to find out what happens when the bison fight the woves and mountain lions.

Agree that there's some overwriting. Too many adverbs make the sentences seem to move along very slowly.

The last sentence seemed somehow not quite right to me. I think it's because everything before it is happening *right now*, and then suddenly the last sentence is telling us what happened after a few weeks. To me it would sound better if the sentence read "Within weeks, all the natural life of this plain WOULD HAVE gone, either underground or far to the south..."