Flogometer -- I turned the page, but not for action or tension

The Flogometer returns with its challenge: a first page that compels me to turn to the next page. Caveat: please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective. Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

This one's for Eugenia. The first 16 lines she sent are:

Richard Hetherington ran his hands over the black, staring eyes, the smooth, yellow painted face.

"The price?" he asked.

"Sixty pounds," the antiquities dealer replied.  "On account of the fact that it's empty."

"And if I don't want an empty one?"

"I've three with mummies inside. They're over here." The dealer threaded his way past gleaming wooden elephants, elaborately carved Oriental chests, a headless marble statue.

Even in the dim light the three coffins at the back of the shop appeared to glow. They were all in fairly good condition. Hetherington tried to quell his excitement.

"Do you know their provenance?"

"My man in Cairo said he purchased them from a Theban family. They were of a set that was going to be sold to the consul but he managed to acquire a few." The man's mouth set primly. Hetherington wondered what the word 'managed' obscured.

"But who are…who were they?  Royalty?"

"Yes, we all want kings and queens, don't we?" The dealer smiled, revealing small pointy teeth. "To remind us that even they can come to this, mere merchandise. Afraid not,

Well, I turned the page. Not because of a great deal of tension here -- there isn't a lot. Not because of the intense action -- there isn't any. Any story questions are mild-mannered, so that wasn't really it. One might wonder why Hetherington is buying mummies, but that's not compelling.

It was two things. The first was the promise of delving into an unfamiliar world, a place where I'd see and learn things new to me. Mummies. Antiquities.

More than that, though, was the promise of an intelligent story with interesting characters and insights. What really did it for me was this dealer's speech:

"Yes, we all want kings and queens, don't we?" The dealer smiled, revealing small pointy teeth. "To remind us that even they can come to this, mere merchandise."

I really liked the touch of philosophy, and perhaps theme, in the dealer's speech. And if the dealer could be such an interesting fellow, what must the main characters be? I was interested in finding out.

I should probably add a confident voice to my list of reasons why I turned the page, expressed by clear, strong writing. No glaring gaffs, no craft blunders to suggest amateur work ahead. Good, professional stuff. The writer's clarity and confidence on this page promises more of the same, and I was willing to invest in one more page.

In fact, the sample was quite short, and there were only a few more lines. I did wish that there had been more, because as nicely done as this is, I think it could be improved upon. Just to show you how picky I can be at times, here are some thoughts.

One soft spot was this bit of description:

They were all in fairly good condition.

As description, this doesn't do anything to provide a picture for the reader. For one thing, it's relative. What is "fairly good condition" for a coffin? I have no idea. Give me visual details that show me the condition and helped me understand what they mean.

I wondered if "sarcophagus" should have been used instead of coffin to help us picture ancient Egyptian stuff, but when I looked it up I learned that the term refers to stone coffins, usually used to protect Egyptian royalty. I think the writer could have used that factoid in an interesting way. Perhaps the dealer could have let Hetherington know, in a condescending way, that painted wooden coffins such as these would never have held royalty, and so on. But that's a nit.

I also feel that the writer could have created more tension in this opening. She could have hinted at why Hetherington was looking for occupied coffins. Were there any consequences of finding one? Of not finding one?

Just working with the words that are here, I would look at opening with something that got the dealer's interesting remark earlier and springboard from that into more of Hetherington's story. For example (and I'm NOT trying to do a rewrite here, just to illustrate.):

Richard Hetherington ran his hands over the coffin's black, staring eyes, the smooth, yellow painted face. He tried to quell his excitement. "Royalty?"

The dealer smiled, revealing small pointy teeth. "Yes, we all want kings and queens, don't we? To remind us that even they can come to this, mere merchandise."

And so on. The description of the shop can be threaded in later, the provenance, etc. This remark by the dealer could cause internal monologue in Hetherington that let the reader in on his desire, which is key to establishing conflict and tension. And it could have begun right here on the first page.

For what it's worth.

Thank you, Eugenia, for the look at your work. Do consider amping up the tension in these first lines, and carry on.

Questions, anyone?

If anyone has a question on the craft of storytelling or writing for effect, please ask. It helps me to think about all aspects of writing, and some writers tell me that the answers help them. So please ask, either in an email or in a comment.

For what it's worth,

Ray

Public floggings available. If I can post it here, send 1st chapter or prologue as an attachment and I'll critique the first couple of pages.

ARCHIVES .

© 2007 Ray Rhamey

Comments

[Jessica]

I also really liked this one. It took a few lines to figure out that they were talking about sarcophagi, though. The author might consider following the description of the black eyes and yellow painted face with the words "of the sarcophagus."

But I'd have kept reading, no doubt.

[Eugenia]

Thanks, Ray. I really appreciate it and I see your point about the dealer. Putting him in earlier could certainly work and I could also add a bit about Hetherington's fascination so we can see the seeds of his obsession sprouting.

Any time you increase your word count for subs I'll send in the rest with the revisions so you can tell me whether it lives up to its promise.

[mai]

The small pointy teeth turned the page for me. Contrasted with, and set within, the mildness of the rest of the prose, the image acted like a miniscule hook with a very sharp barb -- easy to swallow and hard to dislodge.