The Flogometer returns with its challenge: a first page that compels me to turn to the next page. Caveat: please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective. Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.
This one's for Tom. Here are the first 16 lines of his novel:
It was late September. The sun was sinking behind the mountains, and the first chill of autumn crept through the village of San Gregorio. Lorenzo Compagno stood in the doorway of the village's only restaurant - his restaurant - and listened to the clattering of knives coming from the kitchen.
Inside was a scene of frantic but controlled activity. He approached Giuseppe, who was sorting through a box of mushrooms.
"You make sure you clean that surface when you've finished," Lorenzo said. "Make sure everything is nice and clean for the inspection."
"It always is," Giuseppe replied.
"That's my boy." Lorenzo squeezed his son's shoulders, then moved over to where his daughter Sophia was chopping an onion. "And how's my little girl?"
"Taller than you." She put down the knife and embraced him. With him stooped over and her standing upright, it was just about true.
"So what's your brother got you cooking this evening?" he asked.
"Saltimbocca alla romana," she replied.
In addition to one of my pet peeves, which I'll get to in a moment, this opening page simply didn't interest me enough to turn the page. Yes, it is a scene, and something is happening, but there's no tension for me in a family cooking supper.
If there were a consequence, or some kind of conflict, maybe. If the narrative let me know that the restaurant would be closed if it fails the inspection and Lorenzo would be out on the street, maybe so. If there was tension or conflict, for example, if Lorenzo, because of his anxiety, tells his son that the mushrooms look terrible, or he tells Sophia that she's chopping the onion all wrong. . .you get the picture.
The writing could be tightened, too. For example, the first two sentences:
It was late September. The sun was sinking behind the mountains, and the first chill of autumn crept through the village of San Gregorio.
That first sentence is so, well, flat-footed. It could have at least been part of the second, i.e.
The late September sun was sinking behind the mountains, and the first chill of autumn crept through the village of San Gregorio.
More than that, the opening only describes, and doesn't really begin the story in terms of Lorenzo. For example, what if. . .
The late September sun was sinking behind the mountains, and the first chill of autumn crept through the village of San Gregorio
-- but it was nothing next to the chill settling in Lorenzo's heart.
Pet peeve
What's wrong with these two lines of dialogue?
"So what's your brother got you cooking this evening?" he asked.
"Saltimbocca alla romana," she replied.
The dialogue tags. Redundant, and a waste of space. In the first line, "he asked" is totally unncecessary because there's a question mark at the end of the sentence. All readers understand that a question mark means that the speaker has asked something.
And then the next dialogue tag, "she replied," comes after what is clearly a reply to the question. Argh! Here's how it should be:
"So what's your brother got you cooking this evening?"
"Saltimbocca alla romana."
See my essay on the subject of useless dialogue tags for some insights on tagging technique. And check out a lesson on using action beats in dialogue.
Thank you, Tom, for the look at your work. Your writing is clean, but I think the story needs more bait if you're going to hook a reader.
If anyone has a question on the craft of storytelling or writing for effect, please ask. It helps me to think about all aspects of writing, and some writers tell me that the answers help them. So ask, either in an email or in a comment.
For what it's worth,
Ray
Public floggings available. If I can post it here, send 1st chapter or prologue as an attachment and I'll critique the first couple of pages.
ARCHIVES .
© 2007 Ray Rhamey
Just eliminating the first 2 paragraphs improves the opening. The info in them can be injected elsewhere.
Posted by: Kitty | February 28, 2007 at 07:36 AM
Yeah, I'd agree with what you said. There needs to be some tension or drama, some intrigue or I'm like who cares.
Posted by: nina | February 28, 2007 at 12:34 PM
I thought the writing was clean, and I could picture everything very clearly.
Adding a little tension--an argument, the daughter slicing the onions a little too tensely, a hint that the inspection might not go the way they want it to--this would make it sizzle.
Posted by: Jessica | February 28, 2007 at 02:15 PM
I like this intro better than the one I saw before but I agree that a hint of tension is needed to keep me reading.
Posted by: gypsy | March 02, 2007 at 04:09 PM
Good grief I love this blog.
Posted by: Buffy | March 07, 2007 at 09:17 AM