Flogometer #9—smooth start kept me going

The challenge: a first page that compels me to turn to the next page. Caveat: please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Here are the first 16 lines of number 9's novel:

"Don't be afraid," Wulfram said.

Six-year-old Seamas felt a bony finger slide beneath the strip of silk knotted at the back of his head. His grandfather gave the blindfold a tug, as if to test his handiwork.

"Don't be afraid," the old man repeated. "Do you know why tonight is unlike any other?"

The Festival of Bright Nights was only beginning, yet the sky was the color of soot. Autumn was still two weeks away, but the wind shook the tall windows of Wulfram's library and pummeled them with tiny shards of ice. Neither of these was what Wulfram wanted to hear, though, so instead, Seamas reverted to scripture.

"Tonight the veil between the worlds is rent. Tonight Fershan people walk in the shadows between life and death. Grandda," he asked, "Will I walk in shadow tonight?"

Wulfram's fingers tightened around his shoulder, and Seamas could picture the line of his mouth growing hard, the dragon's feet tightening at the edges of his eyes. At last Wulfram's grip relaxed, and he pressed his lips to the top of Seamas's head.

"Shall we go?"

The muted laughter of Wulfram's followers echoed down the long hallway. As

Very nice. What's going to happen to Seamas? Why would he be afraid? Page turned. And not a lot of notes jump out at me. But I do have some thoughts.

This one is tough to handle: "Six-year-old Seamas." Because of the point of view, Seamas obviously wouldn't be thinking about his age, so this feels like an authorial intrusion. Yet it's important to know the boy's age. I suggest you look for a slightly more natural way to slip in his age. Your early mention of Wulfram being his grandfather does a good job of signaling that we probably have a boy here, but still doesn't say how young.

Here's a thought-starter: delay the age mention until just a little later.

"Don't be afraid," the old man repeated. "Do you know why tonight is unlike any other?"

Even though he was only six, Seamas knew how important the Festival of Bright Nights was.

Clarity issue: the following description threw me off and gave me pause:

. . . the wind shook the tall windows of Wulfram's library and pummeled them with tiny shards of ice.

Shards of ice from a window inside a house? I've seen heavy frost on the insides of windows in very, very cold weather in leaky houses, but not ice. I think this either needs to be clarified, i.e. why there's ice on the inside of a window/house, or changed.

There's a faint point-of-view slip in this sentence:

Neither of these was what Wulfram wanted to hear, though, so instead, Seamas reverted to scripture.

The way this is phrased, it's as if Seamas knows what Wulfram is thinking which, of course, he can't. I also thought the "though, so instead" part sort of tripped over itself. An alternative:

Seamas didn't think Grandda wanted to hear about those things, though, so he tried scripture instead.

A nit: The "W" after "he asked," in this sentence, "Grandda," he asked, "Will I walk in shadow tonight?" should be lower case.

And wouldn't the crinkles (dragon's feet, a nice phrase) appear at the corners of Grandda's eyes instead of the edges?

Good, strong writing. Excellent characterization in just a few words -- I especially liked the kiss Grandda gives Seamas as a window into their relationship, and Seamas's innocence shines.

Thanks for sharing your work.

This is number 9 of 23 submissions to the Flogometer. I'm aiming for doing 2 per week day, and will take the weekend off (exciting times -- a publisher has asked to see more content for a book based on FtQ, and I've got some work to do).

If you have constructive comments for this writer, please give them. See you later.

For what it's worth,

Ray

Free edit. Email a sample for an edit that I can post here.

ARCHIVES .

© 2007 Ray Rhamey

Comments

[Wendy]

This is a great beginning; I was thoroughly hooked.

I wasn't confused at all about the ice and the window, though; it was pretty clear to me that there was an ice storm going on outside. The "them" that was being pummeled with shards of ice was, I thought, the windows, not Seamas and his Grandda, but if the pronoun confused one reader, it's probably worth refining that sentence.

Otherwise, great work #9!

[Dorothy]

I liked this a lot. Writing children is hard because it's so tempting to sentimentalize them, but this is really well done. I particularly liked the image of the dragon feet near Grandfather's eyes.

[Kathleen Bolton]

The dragon's feet metaphor is gold. The smooth writing and the author's ability to paint a picture told me, the reader, that I was going to be in good hands for the rest of the story. Kudos!

[Jennifer]

Hooked and liking it!

[Virginia Miss]

Hooked me! Good job, author. I was filled with questions, wanting to know what was going to happen.

Ray's suggestion about "Even though he was only six" was a good one.

I didn't have a problem with the wind pummeling the windows with shard of ice, in fact I quite liked it.

The "tiny POV slip" -- I simply assumed that the boy knows what his grandfather wants to hear; I took this to be clever characterization instead of clumsy POV.

[mar]

This is excellent writing!Interesting details and characters. The tone is spot on. There are two things that stopped the flow for me: the introduction of the Festival of the Bright Nights as a description before the kid got to answer,and the fact that the boy is only 6- perhaps if the boy stumbles on the words a little to show his age rather than saying that his 6.
I don't think that you need to repeat the "don't be afraid". You can show that his grandad is the one afraid instead by saying something like, 'Seamans felt his grandad's hand shake... or something to that effect. I agree with Ray about the windows too but overall, this is great!

[xphios]

The POV slip bothered me too, but I don't see how anyone could read the line with the shards of ice as being inside the library. Too me, that is a not an issue.

[Ray]

Ah. I'll tell you how someone can read that and think inside the library. It was the pronoun "them." I was inside the library with the two people, and took it to refer to the people.

But it actually refers to the windows. Okay, I misread it. But I still think it could be more clear.

And now I don't get "shards of ice" in the wind. Where did they come from? The stuff from the sky is generally known as snow or sleet or hail. No shards. So there's still a problem with this in terms of clarity, IMO.

Thanks for pointing this out.

[tomdg]

Para 4 doesn't work for me. Sentence 1: "yet" implies a connection between the festival and the sky colour which I can't see. Sentence 2: I understand the "but" here, but it grates because this sentence has exactly the same structure as sentence 1. Sentence 3: "neither of these was what Wulfram wanted to hear" - it's not clear what "these" means, at first I thought back to the colour of the sky. Also, "though, so instead," is a clumsy construction.

How about you re-write this so that it shows Wulfram listening to the sounds of the weather outside the window and responding to it (maybe by shivering or looking nervous)? I'd also suggest leaving out the first sentence (of para 4).

Another very pedantic point: your "two weeks to autumn" line suggests that these people organize their lives around a formal calendar, with seasons changing at fixed dates. Our high-tech culture has fixed when our seasons start and end based on some notional temperate climate, but originally seasons are defined by changes in weather and seasonal plants / animals. So rather than it being cold and not yet autumn, you'd say that autumn (or even winter - it sounds like your setting has a very long and harsh winter) has come early. Also, our four seasons are specific to our climate; some countries have just two seasons, wet and dry. Another example: in India, you wouldn't say it was raining heavily even though it wasn't monsoon season for two weeks, you'd say that the monsoon had arrived early. Even here in the UK, spring is starting earlier and earlier, and we have the occasional summer that goes on deep into October.

Everything else is good, particularly the first line.