Flogometer #8—another turn of the page

The challenge: a first page that compels me to turn to the next page. Caveat: please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Here are the first 16 lines of number 8's novel:

It is irresponsible to place oneself in distressing situations without proper training.

There are few things more embarrassing than dangling over the shoulder of a swaggering highwayman. If Rachel weren't a professional, she would have knocked him out the moment he grabbed her. Instead, she had to content herself by pounding him on the back and kicking her legs. He grunted in response to her blows, and tossed her onto his horse.

"One more scream out of you, lady, and I'll cut out your tongue," he told her, wrapping a firm arm around her waist.

"You wouldn't dare," Rachel whispered in response, lifting her chin.  "My father would have your head for it."

"Your father isn't here," he used his free hand to stroke her cheek, "and your escort is dead."

Amateur.  With both his hands away from his sword, she could have easily elbowed him in the stomach, jaw, neck, even

Despite some confusion caused by the first two paragraphs, I'm turning the page. This opener has most of the necessary ingredients:

• Conflict/tension
• Characterization
• A sense of place, though the scene isn't totally set yet -- but we suspect we'll get there
• Confident authorial voice; I'm in good hands
• Story questions -- what's going to happen next?

It lacked a little on the clarity side for me in two instances.

1. The very first sentence: It is irresponsible to place oneself in distressing situations without proper training. This may be a continuing thing the author plans for opening all chapters, maybe it's something out of the heroine's training manuals, but out of context as it is here, I found it befuddling.

I didn't understand its relationship to, well, anything. Particularly a story. There are two remedies: make it clear where it's coming from, or delete it. Personally, as it slows down engaging me with the character and the scene, I'd lose it. But, were I editing this, I'd also consider its use if the approach has value later in the story.

2. The second element that confused me was this sentence:

If Rachel weren't a professional, she would have knocked him out the moment he grabbed her.

WTF? A professional what? If a professional adventurer, for example, it seems logical on the surface that she would deck the guy, not let him heave her over his shoulder.

In reading the second page, I learned that our heroine is some sort of professional visiting what to her is a "foreign world." She is in the clutches of the highwayman for some sort of purpose. And time travel seems to be involved. Seems to me a hint of that on the first page would be good. For example, if she is a time traveler, then the narrative could have said, "a professional time traveler" and I would have immediately had a better fix on what was up.

Overall, I thought the writing was fine. But there are things that could be enhanced or tightened. For example, the first sentence:

There are few things more embarrassing than dangling over the shoulder of a swaggering highwayman.

This has an omniscient feel to it; a pronouncement from on high. I suggest taking a look at having the thought come from Rachel, i.e.

In Rachel's view, there were few things more embarrassing than dangling over the shoulder of a swaggering highwayman.

Some other thoughts:

There are few things more embarrassing than dangling over the shoulder of a swaggering highwayman. If Rachel weren't a professional, she would have knocked him out the moment he grabbed her. Instead, she had to content herself by pounding him on the back and kicking her legs.

He grunted in response to her blows, and tossed her onto his horse. "One more scream out of you, lady, and I'll cut out your tongue." he told her, wrapping a firm arm around her waist.

"You wouldn't dare," Rachel whispered in response, lifting her chin.  "My father would have your head for it." (Note that, until I cut both of them, that "response" had been repeated. I didn't see much to be gained with the lift of her chin. How about a glare or something bolder?)

"Your father isn't here." h<He used his free hand to stroked her cheek,. "aAnd your escort is dead."

Amateur.  With both his hands away from his sword, she could have easily elbowed him in the stomach, jaw, neck, even

Good start, number 8. Many thanks for sending your work.

This is number 8 of 23 submissions to the Flogometer. I'm aiming for doing 2 per week day, and will take the weekend off (exciting times -- a publisher has asked to see more content for a book based on FtQ, and I've got some work to do).

If you have constructive comments for this writer, please give them. See you later.

For what it's worth,

Ray

Free edit. Email a sample for an edit that I can post here.

ARCHIVES .

© 2007 Ray Rhamey

Comments

[Dorothy]

I'd have been willing to wait to hear what profession Rachel followed, especially if the hint comes as early as page 2 of the manuscript.

This has a nice, snarky tone to it, which I enjoy. If she really does have a dead escort though, it may clash. And this is just my personal pet peeve, but I'd be happy if I read forever and never found a young woman lifting her chin, so I cheered when I saw Ray suggested cutting that.

[Maria]

This is where Dorothy and I have to disagree. It really bugged me not understanding the meaning behind "professional" because nothing Rachel did smacked of professional--unless she was vying for professional damsel-in-distress. (not that there's anything wrong with that. lol)

I really, really wanted to see her kick ass and take names. Her voice sounded like she would, but nothing came of it. Telling us that she "could" have elbowed the guy seemed like an empty threat.

On the other hand, this accomplished its goal. I wanted to turn the page to find out what the heck she was going to do while straddling the backside of a horse.

A little more worldbuilding will help lots in grounding the reader.

Good start, though. I wanted to turn the page.

--maria

[Virginia Miss]

I enjoyed this and would have turned the page. Unlike Ray, I liked the first two lines, and I don't support his suggestion to start with "in rachel's view." But then, I'm not one of the POV police. Or an editor.

However I agree wholeheartedly with Ray's comments about tightening up the following sentences. You must kill all those "in responses."

I really enjoyed the author's voice.

This page made me wonder "professional what?" and want to keep reading to find that out. That, and how she bests the highwayman, of couse.

Good luck, author, it looks like a fun read.

[xphios]

I found the opening two lines that Ray suggested cutting to be intriguing. They made me want to see who was in such a situation and how it came about. I also liked using the word "professional" by itself. I wanted to know what she was a professional at. That would have made me turn the page. I did not care at all for Ray's suggested replacement "professional time traveler."

I do think Ray's other suggestions aimed at tightening the writing are helpful in quickening the pace.

[Jennifer]

I really enjoyed the voice, but found myself too mystified by the situation to really know if I would enjoy the rest or not. Perhaps, because the secret appears on the first page, and you're kept wondering for a bit what profession and why not fight back?

The first two lines were interesting start, and if thematic, could be very successful. I'd like to know that right away, see it play out in the first page, even.

[Bill Peschel]

This is more of an observation than a critique, but the situation reeks of cliche. Is the author planning on playing off that? Is our heroine going to roll her eyes at lines like "one more word out of you" -- at least inside?

Otherwise, the situation holds potential. I'd keep reading a little further, to see what happens next.

[tomdg]

Your first sentence feels to me like a nod to "It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife." I'm assuming your opening line is a sort of "motto" for the whole novel. It works for me.

"Professional" - I don't like this. For a start, it doesn't follow from the first sentence; and second, it's confusing. Why is it embarrassing? Is this something she does a lot? Why doesn't she just escape, since obviously she can? It's good that you don't get bogged down explaining these things, but the way you mention them is confusing. E.g.: ... more embarrassing than dangling over the shoulder of such a pathetic highwayman. Her instinct urged her to knock him out the moment he grabbed her, but ...

But I like it. I like the opening sentence, I like that you've started with character and action (almost) rather than worldbuilding; you haven't described the setting at all, and yet I can still visualise it.

[WebMan]

Good work, webmaster! Nice site!