Flogometer #7 -- despite its quality, resistible

Plug for a FtQ reader: Today Gregory Huffstutter is doing a guest column at Buzz, Balls & Hype on  'Roadblocking' your audience across multiple venues at once.

Now to the Flogometer.

The challenge: a first page that compels me to turn to the next page. Caveat: please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Here are the first 16 lines of number 7's novel:

I reflected later that if I hadn't been stupid and tried the joik when I should have been paying attention to my magic, none of the terrible events that followed would have happened. But I had a bad habit of doing the wrong thing at the wrong time, and anyway, who knew the world would change because of one song?

But I was young and stupid in those days, with my head in the clouds more often than before me on the ground where it needed to be. How often had my mother told me that Sámi gytrash could not afford to make a mistake?

For I'd been born a gytrash, the lowest of the low. Those of us who use magic draw upon nature for our skill. It is said this means we are nearly animals, or will soon become one. But even animals can hope and dream, though sometimes I'd forgotten how to do that. It's not easy to hold onto dreams when your world is a mining camp flung on the fringes of Novgorod.

Worse than being a gytrash, however, is being of Sámi blood, those folk whom the Novgorod princes subdued long ago in Grand Duchess Ekaterina's time. In those long-ago days, we Sámi tended our reindeer herds and jealously guarded them; the Novgorod killed our herds and swallowed up our land.

They say, too, that Sámi sorcerers are even more debased than the Novgorod ones

I really liked the writing in this. I liked the voice of the narrator in the first paragraph, before she/he goes into exposition. I thought the information in the exposition was interesting, and promised an entertaining world to visit.

But readers are harsh gods, and this one declined to turn the page because of all that well done exposition. I suspect I'll get lots of disagreement on this because of all the qualities just mentioned, but for this reader it lacked an essential quality: tension. It lacks it because, basically, nothing happens.

There's that great promise and line at the top -- who knew the world would change because of one song? -- but then we're treated to world building. Despite the attractiveness of that world, it wasn't able to hook me into the narrator and, since nothing was happening with her, nor was there any jeopardy or conflict on the near horizon, I suspected that, if I turned the page, I would be served more backstory.

I peeked. Sure enough, that's what fills page 2. All good stuff, all imaginative, but also all exposition, backstory, sidestory, anything but WHAT'S HAPPENING NOW. I didn't even learn where this character is or what he/she is doing. So there was no reason for me to wonder what was going to happen next.

I will wager, judging by the quality of the narrative we see here, that a grabber of an opening is down the road, waiting to wrap its fingers around my throat. But I wasn't in the mood to be generous -- nor, frequently, are agents, acquisition editors, and readers browsing in a bookstore.

I wonder if the moment the narrator mentions in the opening, trying the joik and not paying attention to his/her magic, would be the starting point? Sounds like an inciting incident. What went wrong? What consequences developed?

The writing was very clean, but there are a few notes I can contribute, so here they are.

First paragraph, fine. If it only led somewhere.

Second paragraph: the "head in the clouds instead of on the ground" sentence nagged at me in two ways. First, "head in the clouds" is a cliché, and it would be better if the narrator, should he/she continue in this vein instead of the story taking over, were to use a phrase more appropriate to the world she/he occupies. Also, I had a little trouble picturing his/her head being on the ground.

Third paragraph: some confusing elements. Do they draw upon nature for their skill, which seems like something that requires practice or training, or their power, the source of the energy/whatever that makes magic happen? Also, I didn't understand how a mining camp could be "flung." I'd delete that word.

Fourth paragraph: for me, a little too rich in strange names and terms to allow it to go down easily. It would be better to include this bit of history later. As it is, cutting out the reference to the Grand Duchess Ekaterina's time would help de-clutter it a little. That fact doesn't seem vital to the information.

Bottom line, though, this narrative slipped into "telling" immediately, and this reader has little patience with that. I'm hoping for a scene, not a report. While it's true that we may eventually need to know all of the information that these first two pages contain, I wish these facts had been small pearls strung loosely on a firm string of story.

I thank you very much for sending this sample. Very nice writing and imagining going on (but where's the beef?). And please keep in mind that my reactions, like those of everyone who reads this, are subjective (versus "reality").

This is number 7 of 23 submissions to the Flogometer. I'm aiming for doing 2 per week day, and will take the weekend off (exciting times -- a publisher has asked to see more content for a book based on FtQ, and I've got some work to do).

If you have constructive comments for this writer, please give them. See you later.

NOTE: To see all comments, go to the FtQ mirror site.

For what it's worth,

Ray

Free edit. Email a sample for an edit that I can post here.

ARCHIVES .

© 2007 Ray Rhamey

Comments

[Dorothy]

I want to read about the joik! I want to know what happens!

Give me the rest of the stuff in chit chat from the crowd during the joik.

(Wow. That was bossy of me. Shows how much I want to read about the joik.)

I also paused over the image of the head on the ground.

[Maria]

I liked the writing in this one. I was intrigued by the line: …who knew the world would change because of one song? For my money, that should be the opening line.

While the back story was distracting, there were a lot of fascinating aspects to this first page. Cut (or filter in elsewhere) the stuff about the gytrash and Sámi, and tell the reader what landed him/her in so much trouble.

It sounds to me like you may have a workable manuscript. It just needs some tightening and rearranging.
--maria

[Jennifer]

I like the glimpses of the world you're showing, but without the action, turning the page didn't really occur to me. I found the backstory was just too early for me.

I was taken in by the idea of what happened when trying the joik before the magic...but by the end of that first page, that interest was gone, downtrodden by the world and its extensive fillers.

[Kammy]

I agree with Maria. Who knew the world would change because of one song? would make an awesome opening line.

I find the writing smooth and easy to read, with the exception of the "head on the ground" image. And it's an intriguing world. But I don't want it all explained to me up front. Show us the mistake he (or she?) made, and the terrible events that followed.

[gregoryhuffstutter.com]

Too much gytrash, Novgorods, Samis, and Ekaterias in the first page for me.

I thought Entry #3 was a good example of easing you into the fantasy world before throwing a bunch of unfamiliar names.

This writing does have a nice voice, and I too liked the line "Who knew the world would change..." I think if there were more 'beef', more action, less world-building out of the gate, it could have promise.

[thea]

i love first person. it brings the reader into an immediate intimacy with the narrator. there are several great lines that move you along. i would have turned the page. although i did see FtQ's point about exposition vs. action, the writer did build the suspense. two things, though, that nudged me a bit - the word joik. it made me stop reading. i thought it was a typo. then i had to think about it. then i gave it the benefit of and continued reading. second, Sami and the far flung mining camp - it made me immediately think of one of my favorite sci fi movies, 'enemy mine' with samis, enslaved in a mining camp. not sure if that means anything.

[Jessica]

I would've turned the page. I thought the writing was crisp and clean, and I *so* wanted to know more about Sami sorcerers.

I have to agree, though that it would've been stronger to insert the backstory into an action scene, the joik being the obvious choice.

I'm going to keep an eye out for this in the future. I thought the writing was excellent, and if the story is as good as it promises, it wouldn't surprise me to see it in the bookstores one day.

[tomdg]

Not for me, and for the reasons already stated: too much worldbuilding to start with.

I guess it's a problem with anything which is set in a world which which the readers aren't familiar: the author feels the need to explain the world, the setting, before any of the events that happen in that world make sense. Particularly a problem with fantasy. But it needn't be: rather than starting by explaining the setting, you can always start with characters and actions, things which in isolation are universal and easy to understand.

Contrast this with #2 - which also takes place in a world I don't know. It doesn't explain that world first, but starts with a character. We start to get hints of the world through the character's thoughts and actions, but it's the character that drives us, not the world.

I should probably say here that fantasy isn't really my thing. That may be significant: maybe habitual fans of fantasy love reading about new and exciting worlds. I'm much more into characters first and action a close second; an unfamiliar setting is a barrier I must work through to get to what I enjoy. Maybe that's just me.