Report from the Crapometer

Miss Snark, agent extraordinaire, invited writers to submit 250-word "hooks" for their books to her Happy Hooker Crapometer. I sent in one for my current WIP, and thought it might be interesting to share my experience with you. I can tell you right now that a scroll through the nearly 700 submissions she judged will be worth your time, both for seeing what other writers do and her reactions to it.

First, Miss Snark did a marvelous favor for all the writers she critiqued, and I thank her for her fresh-eyes look at my piece.

To go through that many submissions, I'm sure she zipped through them, reading as rapidly as possible, reacting immediately with what popped into her mind, and then moved on. I calculated on one day that she was going through them at a rate of about 4 minutes each, including time to type and post a reaction. He pace was, I suspect, much like what happens when she deals with her regular query pile, though maybe not so fast as that. Incidentally, I was struck by the large proportion of SF/fantasy hooks. Which, as it happens, is not an area that Miss Snark works in. But she gave them her best shot, and asked for pages for some of them on the strength and likeability of the hooks.

I think I saw a pattern develop in most of the hooks she declared as winners. They focused on a single character and succinctly related, in "snappy" (and good) language, the troubles they encountered. Character and story were all she wanted to see. The hooks were simple and linear, and used enticing details -- she abhors generalities. She also generally had a warmer response to humor. Who wouldn't, trudging through hundreds of submissions?

I point these things out because it's good to keep in mind that this is just one agent's opinion. And even then there were submissions that she liked that didn't follow the above-mentioned pattern. For you to emulate the entries she liked would not be a bad idea.

Mine, however, doesn't follow the formula. I posted it in FtQ recently but, for the sake of this discussion, here it is again:

What if what we think of as "magic" is real? Not the anything-is-possible sorcery of Harry Potter, but the control of a natural energy to cure illness . . . to "fly" . . . or to kill?

What does having that ability do to people? What happens if we discover them living in secret among us?

In FINDING MAGIC, Ailia, a healer, has that ability. So do the clans made up of her kin that hide from normal society, fearing persecution. And so does Gabriel River, a man who "sees" when people lie and has been isolated by his otherness since childhood.

Ailia is a woman who loves too much. Crushed by grief when her beloved husband is killed, she aims to end her life -- but a pit bull of a Homeland Security agent discovers her "difference" and charges into pursuit.

Fleeing to protect her kin, Ailia draws Gabe into her escape. He learns that he and his five-year-old son share the lineage that gives Ailia her abilities, a gift that's driving Gabe's son into autism. Ailia's heart goes out to the child, and her desire for life returns.

But then a clan leader, seeking revenge for the murder of his son by ordinary people, creates a plague to wipe out non-clan humankind. With Homeland Security closing fast, only Ailia, with Gabe's help, can stop the plague. She's forced to choose between living while others die and sacrificing her newfound life to save humanity from a gruesome death.

And here is Miss Snark's reaction:

Too many people roaming around to make this easy to follow. Give us the main person. If she's got magical abilities why does she fear persecution? Surely she can just blister any enemies with a sneer? -- oh wait..thats Miss Snark! I meant to say blister her enemies with a wave of her hand.

And you've got a lot of bad guys: homeland security, rival clan leader, a plague.

I'm not sure what "real magic" is exactly and this doesn't help me figure it out. ( I know poodles can fly; I've seen it. And if you think people can't fly you haven't seen Miss Snark on the rope line for the red carpet at: Oceans 11, Oceans 12, syriana, the good german, the perfect storm, good night and good luck..well, you get the idea.)

You said "what does having that ability do to people" but we don't see anything about what it's like.

Hmmm. It's a failure.

Or is it? The day after this hook flunked the Crapometer, an agent requested a partial in response to an email query based on that hook. Update: later I also received a request for a full. (Whew!) A great reminder of the individuality and subjectivity of this business. There is no one right way to query, or to hook, or to write a novel.

However, I have taken a look at another way to express the hook, mostly because I, too, responded to the way a number of the entries were crafted, and think I can do better.

But still, to consider the divine Miss Snark's comments . . .

Too many people roaming around? The hook alluded to only five, and named only two, the two protagonists. This is a novel, for heaven's sake. However, as noted before, Snark prefers to hear about just the "main" person's story. Simplicity. But what happens if you have dual protagonists as I do? Or, even worse, an ensemble cast? Complexity gets a quick no on the Crapometer, yet it can be a strength of a good story. I know, I know, we're talking about hooks here, but still . . .

Interestingly, her first question (about blistering enemies with magic) is a good story question. Why should all "magic" conform to the ho-hum usual myths? What's wrong with a different take on it? Perhaps to another agent, this would be a virtue. Who knows? And why should a hook explain the different approach?

On the other hand, it's a good point. I haven't even hinted at how my take on magic is different in a way that makes the character vulnerable, far more so than Harry Potter or any other fantasy-style magic wielder. I've since rewritten the hook and addressed that issue. I'll show that in a coming post.

I have to wonder what's wrong with a lot of bad guys? Doesn't that promise a lot of conflict? And there are only two antagonists, actually. That's a lot? Think "double the conflict." Or is this just a reflection of her wish to focus on one main character's story?

She's not sure what "real magic" is from the hook. I'm not sure it's the job of a query to spell out what it takes a whole novel to illustrate, but maybe there's a way to give a better idea. I also wonder if an agent who works in this genre would be more interested in a fresh take on "magic." But it wouldn't hurt, as noted above, to make it more clear.

I suspect that it was the sheer volume and the speed that she had maintain that caused her Snarkness to say that she didn't see anything about what "having that ability" does to people. Actually, the hook tells you that one character has been isolated since childhood because of it, and "that ability" is driving his son into autism. Even after reflection, that seems fairly clear to me.

On the other hand, if an agent wants a capsule of the story, I have to admit that I haven't done that very well. Mostly because I find that very difficult to do. I'll be posting a new version, and you can judge.

I recommend you visit the Snarksite and scroll through the hooks submitted and her comments. Highly enlightening.

In the next post I'll put up the comments Snark's readers posted about my entry. Not helpful, except in the way they illustrate the fickleness of subjectivity.

For what it's worth,

Ray

Free edit. Email a sample for an edit that I can post here.

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© 2007 Ray Rhamey

Comments

[Arthur]

Thanks for posting all this here. I've also read most of the CoM entries and it's nice to read an in-depth response to Miss Snark's critiques. I'm looking forward to reading how you changed your hook based on this experience. Thanks again!

[Jeremy James]

I, too, was flunked by Miss Snark. I, too, have a novel with a complex story line and multiple points of view.

I found it hard to winnow my hook down to 250 words. My strategy was to try to hook her with the *IDEA* which ended up focusing too much on back story and world building. I knew she would have a problem with that before I even sent it in, but wasn't able to come up with a solution in time.

Now that she's posted her "hook formula," I'm pretty sure I could spit out good hooks like an assembly line...just not one for my book (at least not easily).

With regard to your hook, I have a few observations. Take them with a grain of salt...

1) I personally like "what if?" hooks, but here you're tried to mix a "what if?" with a more traditional hook / narrative summary (by "more traditional" I mean: SITUATION + CHARACTER + CONFLICT + STORY QUESTION)

Suggestion: pick one form or the other.

2) IMHO your what-if isn't interesting / exciting enough for a hook. By that I mean, it's a question that many, many writers have already asked in their books. It could still work, as it certainly has enough inherent conflict, but I think you should find a different way of stating it.

Suggestion: phrase your what-if in a way that focuses on a "new / fresh" way of looking at a situation. Short of new & fresh, try to phrase the what-if like a mini-twist. Let me try to give you an example loosely based on your what-if: [What if the world's best neuro-surgeon, a woman referred to by her peers in whispered awe simply as "the genius," didn't owe her ability to talent or discipline, but to magic?

What if a newly elected president insisted on one and only one secret service agent to shadow him--not because the agent graduated at the top of the academy--but because he's psychically tuned to every would-be assassin's trigger finger?

We like to believe that our country is a meritocracy, that our greatness as a nation is linked to our work ethic, our freedom and democracy, and everyone's God-given right to enjoy the "American Dream." But what if no matter how hard you tried to succeed, the competition could say, "hocus-pocus," and get the job / the girl / the game winning run? Or what if YOU had magic on your side, and the people you love found out how you always seem to win and started to resent you?] ...something like that...

3) In paragraphs one and two, you introduce Ailia (which is redundant), but worse, she comes off sounding like two different characters. First you say that Ailia is a healer, then in the next paragraph that she is a woman who loves too much. I realize she can be both of these things, but with just 250 words, I think it would be wise to link them together in one sentence, ideally showing the connection between her compassion and magical ability at the same time. The next paragraph should be about either your other protagonist, Gabe, or the bad guy(s), or the point of no return for your protagonists.

4) It's also not clear to me why Ailia would want to save humanity if she one of the people being persecuted. One solution to this would be to show how humanity's survival is tied to the clan's survival in some non-obvious way that only Ailia sees.

5) My final piece of humble advice is to research exactly what a particular agent likes in the form of a query letter, and then write your pitch in that form, even if the finished product looks almost nothing like your actual story on the surface. (Unfortunately, Miss Snark only showed us what she was looking for after the fact.)

IMHO, the goal isn't to write a hook that perfectly represents your actual story, rather, it's to get a request for pages. So don't worry about "accuracy" in your hook. Just make sure you write it so the agent in question wants to see your manuscript.

It sounds like you have a good story here, so long as you're not rewriting X-men (and I'm sure you've thought of that). Just keep working on that hook!

[Patty]

Well, she's said several times that she neither reads nor enjoys fantasy. Something to think about.

If an agent that does sell fantasy likes it, that's the important part.

[Deb]

I read through the crapometer and second your recommendation. It's a worthwhile exercise. You do a great job of summing up the hooks Miss Snark likes: snappy, focused on one protag, one antag, one issue, with a dash of humor.

My novels all have two to three main characters, or ensemble casts, so I struggle to emulate that model.

[tomdg]

Hi there. I did the crapometer too (#359). I learned tons from it - I'd never even heard of a hook before. I got to the second round, mostly by luck, although I did get some good feedback before I submitted the hook. I won't claim to be qualified in any way to comment on your hook, but that won't stop me :( So here goes:

(1) My book started life as a one-line idea. I used that for the first line of my hook. (It only took me 3 drafts and comments from other people to think of that one - duh). If I had to guess why I got through, I'd say it was probably that one line. You also start with your one-line idea, but for me the crux of what makes your story interesting is the 2nd paragraph: "What does having that ability do to people? What happens if we discover them living in secret among us?"

(2) My hook leaves out loads of stuff. I have three main characters; the hook takes just one of them and shows his view on the story. There's probably more in the actual novel about Philip and Sophia (the daughter) than there is about Lorenzo - but it's easier to explain Lorenzo's story and 250 words isn't room for all three. I can say that in hindsight - I have no idea why I wrote the hook like that at the time. I was lucky - I cut the right stuff by fluke. You can take out a lot of the stuff you mention in your hook and make it more compelling, not less (if you cut the right bits!)

(3) There are a lot of holes in the plot summary in my hook. MS mentions one, the comments mention others. None of them are problems in the actual story, just things I don't explain in the hook. I could easily have been rejected for one of these, but I wasn't. Lucky? Yes - if I'd thought about it I'd have explained them all, and probably got bogged down and rejected for it. I'm guessing that MS at least was willing to assume that we'd got an explanation for these kinds of things if she liked the premise.

FWIW, my take: if this gives you any ideas.

What would it be like to have magic powers - to heal, to fly, to kill? How would people treat you - and what would the ability do to you?

Ailia is a healer, hiding her gifts from a distrustful world. Her friend Gabriel is an outcast because he can "see" when people lie. He has a five-year-old son, Max(1), whose powers are driving him into autism (5).

Because of their powers, they are considered a risk to Homeland Security - particularly after a vengeful fellow seer(2) unleashes a plague to wipe out the the non-magical(3).

Ailia's secret is uncovered, and the three of them are forced to flee from their native New Orleans(4).

With Homeland Security closing fast and the plague spreading, Ailia sets out to confront the rogue mage(2). But why should she risk her life and those of her friends for a world which has made her an outcast?

(1) I made up the name as I think it fits better with one.
(2) You can probably come up with better words for "those who do magic". I didn't like "kin" and "clan" as they sound historical, whereas I assume the novel is actuall set in contemporary US.
(3) Again, you can probably come up with a better word here.
(4) Again, I assume the setting is contemporary - if so, that's a good plus point, so show it by mentioning a real place here.
(5) I think the detail about Autism is too good to miss. Otherwise I might have left out Gabriel and "Max" completely and instead named the bad guy.

I'm not claiming I know anything about what I'm talking about here, but if any of this gives you any good ideas ...