Flogometer #6 -- I turned the page, but there's rejection ahead

The challenge: a first page that compels me to turn to the next page. Caveat: please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Here are the first 16 lines of number 6's novel:

Long Beach Army Air Field, Long Beach, California
Air Camera Gunnery Contest
February 14, 1943

It was his fault, that sneering, smug, Captain Ellis. Frankie McConnell was sure he was the one who send the "Do-It-Yourself-Combat-Pilot-Kit": a box with a small Army issued sewing kit and some genitalia from a recently castrated bull. The stench filled the Women's Air Ferry Squadron's quarters for a week, which didn't help Frankie's already rocky relationships with her fellow women pilots. Her immediate idea was to take it back to Ellis and offer to sew them back on for him, but her roommate Ruth talked her out of it, saying there were better means for revenge.

The U.S.Army Air Corps was thoughtful enough to provide the venue for revenge, conveniently located at the Long Beach Army Air Field, where Frankie and Ruth lived with the rest of the WAFS. A huge banner across the road leading to the north most airstrip announced that today was indeed the Air Camera Gunnery Contest, bold blue and red letters emphasizing the patriotism of competition. It made a snapping sound in the wind as Frankie and Ruth passed underneath it.

Ruth pointed over to some wooden bleachers on the side of the airstrip. There was a growing group of men and women, most in some sort of uniform. "I'm going to sit over there with the rest of the girls." She patted Frankie on the arm. "You still have time to

Story got me to turn the page despite the fact that the writing needs work. Things that did it include the "venue for revenge" part and the promise of a look into a unique world that I don't know anything about. So I read on and, although the pace slowed dangerously due to exposition that needed to wait or be leaner.

And that's what this writer, IMO, needs to work on -- a crisper pace by extensive tightening of the narrative.

I thought that, instead of chopping up the sample with a jillion cuts, I'd just do a rewrite along the lines I would propose in an actual edit with coaching (I really don't rewrite; it's not a good idea because the writer needs to maintain his/her own voice, and I have to respect that.). But, in the limited space of this blog, it seems more efficient to do it this way. Compare the two and see what you think.

Oh, one more thing. I'd give serious thought to changing Frankie's name to something that is clearly female rather than androgynous, unless her name leads to issues later that are meaningful. That way the author won't have to find ways to remind the reader that she is female.

Okay, so a quick rewrite, striving to keep the author's voice, but a crisper one:

Frankie McConnell was sure sneering, smug Captain Ellis was the one who'd sent the "Do-It-Yourself-Combat-Pilot-Kit" -- a box containing a sewing kit and genitalia from a recently castrated bull. The stench had filled the Women's Air Ferry Squadron's quarters, which hadn't helped Frankie's already rocky relationships with her fellow women pilots. She'd wanted to take them to Ellis and offer to sew them back on for him, but her roommate Ruth had talked her out of it, saying there were better means for revenge.

The U.S.Army Air Corps had thoughtfully provided the venue for revenge at the Long Beach Army Air Field, where Frankie and Ruth lived with the rest of the WAFS. A huge banner across the road announced that today was the Air Camera Gunnery Contest, bold blue and red letters emphasizing the patriotism of competition. It snapped in the wind as Frankie and Ruth passed underneath it.

Ruth pointed to wooden bleachers beside the airstrip. They held a growing group of men and women, most in uniform. "I'm going to sit over there with the rest of the girls." She patted Frankie on the arm. "You still have time to

The cuts dropped the word count from 228 to 197, yet I don't think anything essential was left out. I can tell you that the narrative on the following page needed, in my view, similar weight loss. With the trimming, even more good story elements can go on the first page, and that's to the good.

For example, the rest of Ruth's speech raised the stakes. Her complete statement was:

"You still have time to back out. Because if you get kicked out of the squadron and end up selling war bonds, don't come to me. I don't make enough money."

That would have been at the bottom of the first page and put extra bait on the hook. It also characterizes Frankie and what she's about to do.

Number 6, I suggest that you cast a stingy eye over your narrative and look for opportunities to liposuction along the lines illustrated. Your story will be the better for it.

This is number 6 of 23 submissions to the Flogometer, and I plan to take on two a day, if possible, possibly excluding the weekend.

If you have constructive comments for this writer, please give them. Otherwise, see you later.

For what it's worth,

Ray

Free edit. Email a sample for an edit that I can post here.

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Comments

[Jennifer]

With Ray's cuts and tightening, I would've turned the page, because that last speech by Ruth was intriguing. As it cuts at it in the first read, I might not have turned the page or gone on.

I like the idea of a book set during the WAFs, but agree the presentation needs a bit less.

[Kammy]

This one worked for me. I felt interest and sympathy towards Frankie, and I wanted find out how she gets her revenge. I agree with Ray's assessment about needing to trim down the sentences. You could trim the first two lines also, since that information is given in paragraph two, and just leave February 14, 1943.

[tomdg]

One never hears this these days, but I think this is too short! I think your first para deserves a whole page, if not a chapter. Show Frankie (I agree about changing the name, or at least starting somehow that makes her gender clearer) opening the package, reading the label inside ("DIY...") and finally finding the bulls' bits - then cursing Captain Ellis to her roommate Ruth. It would make a great start, and also give us much more of a picture of her character before we get to the real action.

[xphios]

Even with Ray's pruning and trimming, I'm not sure I would have turned the page on this one. Unlike some others who have commented, the situation does not interest me.

[thea]

i think this has great potential. it would pack a greater punch if the story opened with more action and dialogue around the incident. i think, and i'm sure i could be wrong, but in 1943, a woman opening such a package would be a lot more horrified by its contents than a horror-movie desensitized woman of today. i'd be upset about more than just the smell! maybe what's not working is the writer's 'voice'. This sounds more 80's top gun stuff than WWII patriotism calling forth women because there was a skills shortage. i might be wrong on that, its just my impression. overall, a promising start.