Flogometer #5—last line turns the page, but then . . .

The challenge: a first page that compels me to turn to the next page. Caveat: please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Here are the first 16 lines of number 5's novel:

"Wow. Amazing." Ben rarely reacted to the printed image (or anything, really), so when he did I snapped to attention as if a fire alarm had been triggered. "Unbelievable." We were on the cusp of our eighteenth birthdays.

I sat with my back to him, feeding negatives into the one-hour machine. "What?"

"Look at this guy."

I rolled my chair over and rested my chin on his shoulder. Standard issue proud family moment pictures. Dull business dinner where an employee had been named "Blank of the Month." I scooted back in the direction of my unfinished job. "It's like nothing I've ever seen before."

"You don't see it?"

"See what? The plaque that'll get buried in the back of a closet? The bored attendees? The," I resumed my position and studied details, "rubbery chicken and cement-like mashed potatoes? Yeah, I see that."

"No. The guy. In the photos." He thumbed through the stack until he came to a grainy close up of the "Blank of the Month" guy and said, "He looks just like you. Like he could be your father or something."

The 16th line on the first page got me to turn the page. But let me show you what, after a space break to indicate a change in time or place, awaited me:

After the first long, miserable day of kindergarten, my feet hit the sidewalk as I exited the bus and I ran as fast as my Mary Janed feet could propel me.

Bam! Mental whiplash. We're into backstory with no real transition. So, while the writer did get me to turn the first page, and even though there was some nice writing, I stopped reading quickly. "Something happening" went to "little girl's situation when she was a kid" history.

Indications were that the character might be interesting. Here's one particular line that I liked a lot.

Any discipline I encountered came at the hands of my more capable grandparents, who were always pointing me in the right direction, which was never the direction I was already facing.

But all that happened on page two was backstory as a kindergartner came home from school. Just not engaging enough for this calloused, "tell me a story" reader.

Some editorial notes on the sample:

"Wow. Amazing." Ben rarely reacted to the (I would prefer "a" here)printed image (or anything, really), so when he did I snapped to attention as if a fire alarm had been triggered. "Unbelievable." (because the narrator intrudes here, it's not perfectly clear who says "Unbelievable." It would be best to add: He said, "Unbelievable." IMO) We were on the cusp of our eighteenth birthdays. (I'd cut this. Feels forced, and not a natural part of what's happening. There's no reason what Ben says would cause the narrator to think of how old they are.)

I sat with my back to him, kept feeding negatives into the one-hour machine. "What?"

"Look at this guy."

Time out for coaching. While this exchange feels natural, and that's good, it also takes time to do not much when the author needs to be setting the hook. I would advise the writer to condense this along the following lines:
"Wow. Amazing." Ben rarely reacted to a printed image (or anything, really), so when he did I snapped to attention as if a fire alarm had been triggered.

He said, "Look at this guy."

I stopped feeding negatives into the one-hour machine. "What?" I rolled my chair over and rested my chin on his shoulder. Standard-issue proud-family-moment pictures. (note hyphens) Dull business dinner where an employee had been named "Blank of the Month." I scooted back in the direction of to my unfinished job machine. "It's like nothing I've ever seen before." (The cuts are just suggestions for crispness. Also, it seems like the last line should be sarcastic, but I'm not so sure that's clear. Maybe the addition of something like: "Yeah. Right. It's like nothing…etc. Just a thought.)

"You don't see it?"

"See what? The plaque that'll get buried in the back of a closet? The bored attendees? The," I resumed my position (Not clear. Which position, feeding negatives or chin on shoulder? If she scoots back and resumes her position, that's clear. BTW, the chin-on-the-shoulder detail was a very nice way of letting me know that the narrator is most likely female.) and studied details, "rubbery chicken and cement-like mashed potatoes? Yeah, I see that."

"No. The guy. In the photos." He thumbed through the stack until he came to a grainy close-up note hyphen of the "Blank of the Month" guy and said, "He looks just like you. Like he could be your father or something."

It may be that, for a more literary or young-adult market, this will work. But for me this story doesn't show much horsepower at the start, especially when the narrative deserts a really promising story question for backstory. If I were this author, I'd look to sticking with the story promised by that last line on page 1.

This is number 5 of 23 submissions to the Flogometer, and I plan to take on two a day, if possible, possibly excluding the weekend.

If you have constructive comments for this writer, please give them. Otherwise, see you later.

A NOTE: A couple of brave folks have sent Flogometer submissions yesterday and today, but the window closed at midnight, Sunday the 28th. But I think I'll do this again before too long, so stay tuned and submit then.

For what it's worth,

Ray

Free edit. Email a sample for an edit that I can post here.

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© 2007 Ray Rhamey

Comments

[xphios]

I agree with all of Ray's comments. I was especially confused by the "Unbelievable" in the first paragraph. Even after reading it again a couple of times, I'm still not sure how is speaking here. In the 6th paragraph, I think the following sentence bothered me more than it did Ray: The," I resumed my position and studied details, "rubbery chicken and cement-like mashed potatoes? Yeah, I see that." I had to stop and reread it, causing me to loose the flow--not something to do on the first page.

[Dorothy]

That detail of the chin on the shoulder was wonderful. I think it's a sign of a writer who observes and writes outside of cliches.

Could the backstory be given later or in bits in several places? It seems a shame to disrupt the energy of that opening page.

[Maria]

Strictly out of reader preference, starting a hook with dialog rarely engages me unless it's something totally unexpected.

You can show boredom and automaton activity with a few tight descriptors then slap us with the "get a load of this" scene.

For what it's worth, I thought the kicker at the end of this page was good. It wasn't over the top, but rather just enough to make us wonder who the mystery guy was.
--maria

[Kathleen Bolton]

I dunno, I sort of like hooks that sneak up on the reader, like this one. I think cleaning out the extra action tags as Ray suggested, and honing the dialogue would get us to the payoff quicker. And I was surprised the author didn't show the protagonists reaction but cut to a flashback. Stay with the scene....it was good stuff!

[Jennifer]

I don't think I would've turned the page, even with the hook. I found the details to be almost jarring in their abundance, even though they were a very quick way of showing what the reader was to be intrigued by. I liked Ray's suggestion, and found it an easier read on the first try.

[tomdg]

"Wow. Amazing. Unbelivable." Good lively start. It was clear to me that this was the same person, because you don't change paragraphs, but I'd still suggest keeping the words together to maintain the flow.

"We were on the cusp of ..." - I agree with Ray, please leave this out. It feels like you put it in as an afterthought because someone read it and complained that they had no idea how old the characters were. Question is - without it, would I get a feel for the age of the characters? Probably - from the dialogue, the job, the conversation, and their attitudes. And it doesn't matter at this point if I don't quite get it right. Subtle hints are better than grating subtitles.

Setting - I assume they're working in a photo developers counter, but it's not 100% clear. I nearly get that from para 2, but mentioning "behind a counter" or something would clinch it (or alternatively, having her scoot across the lab to where he was).

"Like nothing I've ever seen before". I didn't pick up the sarcasm either - in fact, I wrongly read this as Ben's words. Without knowing your particular patois, might she start with a "yeah right"? Or alternatively (probably better), swap the last two paras so that she says this then scoots back. Then the irony comes out because it's clear she is more interested in her unfinished (mundane) job than in the picture he's so excited by. She also might respond with surprise or disappointment or something, since from his first comment, she thinks the picture is exciting, and then she sees it and decides it isn't.

"'The,' I resumed ...' rubbery'". Surely she doesn't pause for effect here after the word "the"? Inserting a description into dialogue like this marks a pause, so you need to put the break in the right place. Have her move between sentences in the dialogue. If she really does pause there, then you need to explain why, e.g: "The" - I strained to remember the picture, and ... But it's far better (I think) if the pause happens between sentences.

All that said, I get a feel for both characters, and I can guess where the story's going. And personally I like perceptive stories about real, ordinary people in real, ordinary situations. If I read on it would be for the characters, not the plot. This feels like a story about someone finding a lost parent, and it will work only if I can associate with the characters. At this point, I can.

[Kammy]

I didn't find this one compelling enough to make me want to turn the page. I didn't understand the significance of Ben finding a photo of a man who greatly resembles the narrator. Why should I, the reader, care? Is her father missing? Dead? Did she love him or hate him? Or did she never know him? I guess I needed more of a reason to care about and identify with the narrator.

[thea]

the technical weaknesses of this writing would push a reader away. dialogue is effective in moving a story along, not confusing the reader first thing. having said that, i 'saw' the scene, i got the feel of what it's like to be bored teenagers working a tedious job. And the mysterious potential of finding such a photo. i see a great story here. keep working at your craft.