Flogometer #4—another opening clears the hurdle

The challenge: a first page that compels me to turn to the next page. Caveat: please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Here are the first 16 lines of number 4's novel:

Carra slammed the left shutter closed. Footsteps pounded down the street, and she peered around the edge of the right shutter to see Rodd the Tailor duck into his house on the corner. His door banged, rattling his shop sign.

Behind Carra, Seobyn began to cry.  "Are the bad men coming back?"

"It's all right, sweetling." Lillyn slid the bar down over the front door. "Bar the window, Carra, and for the love of Mother Earth, keep out of sight!"

Carra glanced over her shoulder to see a white-faced Lillyn scoop her small son onto her hip and hurry across the room. She muffled her hand in a fold of her apron and lifted the soup pot off the fire.

Outside, men shouted, and steel clashed with steel. Something rumbled over the cobblestones, and she craned her neck to see what might be happening where Merchant Street crossed High Street. A cart rolled into sight.

A man's voice shouted a word she didn't understand.  The cart halted, and a stream of men ran around it.

Heart thudding against her ribs, Carra pushed the shutter nearly closed, then couldn't resist peeking through the finger of space she'd left. The Dolyans scrambled around the cart and

You bet I wanted to know what happened next, so I gladly turned the page. Not only is the writing good, the narrative engaged me with plenty of story questions.

But, you guessed it, I think it could be improved. While the writing is clean and crisp (thank you!), there are spots where the clarity level dips for me, which in my mind is a huge requirement for your opening pages. And, of course, there might be a little tightening here and there.

Carra slammed the left shutter closed.  Footsteps pounded down the street, and she peered around the edge of the right shutter to see Rodd the Tailor duck into his house on the corner.  His door banged, rattling his shop sign. (For me, the "left" and "right" clutter this a little bit. Frequently there's really no need for such precision in a description, especially in an action scene. It would have worked just fine for this reader and have been quicker to write: Carra slammed one shutter closed … she peered around the other shutter to see… But this is a real nitpick.)

Behind Carra, Seobyn began to cry.  "Are the bad men coming back?"

"It's all right, sweetling." Lillyn slid the bar down over the front door. "Bar the window, Carra, and for the love of Mother Earth, keep out of sight!" (It would have helped me to have gotten clues as to the relationships here. For example, if Lillyn is the mother of Carra and Seobyn, I can add the family dynamic to the following action. How to do it with economy? Well, if Lillyn is the mother, one approach could be to add just a little to the end of the previous paragraph, where Seobyn starts to cry. Thought starter: Before Carra could go to her little brother, her mother called to him. If Lillyn isn't the parent, I'd still like to know what the relationships are now. For example: Before Carra could go to her mistress's little boy…)

Carra glanced over her shoulder to see a wWhite-faced, Lillyn scooped her small son onto her hip and hurriedy across the room. (Clarity break: is her small son the same person as Seobyn? How small? These questions slowed me down. Thoughtstarter: Lillyn scooped her toddler onto her hip. "Shh, Seobyn." She hurried to the hearth, muffled her hand in a fold of her apron, and lifted the soup pot off the fire.) She muffled her hand in a fold of her apron and lifted the soup pot off the fire. (A word of explanation for cutting the opening to the paragraph: it's not critical to the action or story to know that Carra glanced over her shoulder, IMO, and is a little bit of overwriting. It makes the reader visualize a non-essential action, so why bother? In my view, everything you can do in the opening to keep the writing and pace crisp, the better off you are.)

Outside, men shouted, and steel clashed with steel.  Something rumbled over the cobblestones, and she craned her neck to see what might be happening where Merchant Street crossed High Street.  A cart rolled into sight. (This last bit seems incomplete to me; I can't quite picture the cart in that I don't know if it rolls there by itself, or is pulled by a man or a woman or a horse or a goat or what. Please clarify.)

A man's voice shouted a word she didn't understand. (Could/should be more clear, I think. If it's a foreign word that she doesn't understand, that's important, i.e. A man's voice shouted a word in a language she didn't understand. If it's just garbled speech, then it doesn't contribute anything meaningful and should be deleted.)The cart halted, and a stream of men ran around it. ("stream of men" is vague. How many men? The next paragraph identifies them (I think) as the "Doylans." I think that label is much better applied here, when they first appear. Also, on page 2 the writer seems to also identify them as sailors, though that's not perfectly clear either. This, I think, is the time to let us know about how many men, that they are the Doylans, and that they are sailors (i.e. a dozen Doylans in sailor uniforms ran around it. ) I still don't know exactly what a "Doylan" is, but I can be patient about that.)

Heart thudding against her ribs, Carra pushed (since shutters are usually on the outside of windows, wouldn't this be "pulled?") the shutter nearly closed, then couldn't resist peeking through the finger of space she'd left. The Dolyans scrambled around the cart and (BTW, I thought "finger of space" was terrific description -- gave me an immediate picture of the gap. Nice.)

Good work, and many thanks for sending it.

Just so you'll know, I received 23 submissions to the Flogometer and plan to take on two a day, if possible, possibly excluding the weekend. I'm trying to give each one a decent amount of thought, thus the longish time frame. Thank you for your patience.

If you have constructive comments for this writer, please give them. Otherwise, see you later.

A NOTE: A couple of brave folks have sent Flogometer submissions yesterday and today, but the window closed at midnight, Sunday the 28th. But I think I'll do this again before too long, so stay tuned and submit then.

For what it's worth,

Ray

Free edit. Email a sample for an edit that I can post here.

ARCHIVES .

© 2007 Ray Rhamey

Comments

[Maria]

I thought this one was excellent. Ray gave good suggestions too. I had only two nitpicks. The first was the use of "shutter" two sentences in a row. The other thing I would have liked would have been terser language when the steel started clanging. I expected more energy there.

Great job!
--maria

[Dominique]

I loved the suspence of this and was hooked immediately.

I don't think you were a nitpick, Ray, when you commented about the shutters. Having to visualize precise details kills the action for me. As I commented in a previous submission, writers should trust the readers' imaginations with the unnecessary details.

[Wendy]

So atmospheric! Great depictions of people, relationships, place, time, and visual and auditory detail in so few paragraphs. Well done, #3.

[Bryan D. Catherman]

Ray,

It's great you did this. Not only was this informative, it was fun to read the submissions and then see what you thought. I liked that some of my thoughts resurfaced in your comments.

Thanks!

[tomdg]

Gripping from the very first sentence: your words are few and dramatic. It carries on in exactly the same way: footsteps pound, a door bangs, a sign rattles, men shout, steel clashes with steel. Great!

A few niggles:

The "left" and "right" in the first para felt uncomfortable to me too

It took me two or three paras to figure out that Carra was inside the house, not outside. This probably stems from my mental image of shutters. As a suggestion, a "peered out" would fix that.

Lots of names: I got confused between Carra and Lillyn. (By contrast I'm ok with Rodd and Seobyn because I know Rodd is a tailor and Seobyn is crying).

In para 2, who is speaking: Seobyn or Carra? I read it as Seobyn but I'm guessing it's actually Carra. Making that clearer might help the previous point.

Other comments:

I liked "a cart rolled into sight". I think it's good use of POV: she's peering through a small gap and only seeing part of the picture, and so are we as readers.

Likewise "A man's voice shouted a word she didn't understand". That's how she hears it: if you don't recognize a word, you don't know if it's in your language or another one unless you hear it very clearly, which I'm sure she didn't.

[Jennifer]

I enjoy the sequence of action; the pace is very intense and I like 'seeing' what is going on. Though I did get a little lost between characters and which action belonged to which, on the first read. It cleared up a little on the second read, and I was definitely interested in reading more.