Flogometer #3--another page turns

The challenge: a first page that compels me to turn to the next page. Caveat: please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Here are the first 16 lines of number 3's novel:

After watching all night near the Black Forest, Werne stood straight and tall. His feet were planted precisely shoulder-length apart, arms held crossed against his chest. Despite his aching body, his stance never wavered. His fingers itched to reach for his sword, and he refrained from the revealing gesture of nerves.

Early morning rays slowly reached along the ground. Werne's eyes moved from the forest floor to flick to the brightening skyline. The dark soot still rose above the black trees. Satisfaction crossed his face before a low whistle from one of his men turned his attention. He watched the shadowy darkness, but saw no reason for the alert. A second whistle followed, but Werne was skeptical. There was nothing except poisonwood trees. Four more whistles followed swiftly, prodding him to search again.

He scowled, trying to pierce the gloom with squinted eyes. A moment later, a young fletcher raced from the emaciated trees. Hands waving in front of it, the child stumbled through the rough foliage. The whip thin limbs of black slashed at it. Heedless, the child advanced towards them. Their orders were to capture any survivors. Werne gestured for his men to stop the creature.

Moments passed, and no one moved. The seven guards looked back at him with blank faces. Unable to let the fletcher escape, Werne took a deep breath, preparing himself to touch the

I turned the page. The first paragraph started with good tension delivered through the close third person showing of the character's tension. There's action, and a certain level of mystery, enough to make me want to know what's going to happen next. The next page didn't disappoint, from a story point of view.

However, I also think this needs tightening and some other editorial attention. It's a bit overwritten in spots, and there are some craft things that I'd like to see done. So …

First paragraph:

After watching all night near the Black Forest, Werne stood straight and tall.  His feet were planted precisely one shoulder-length (wouldn't it be one shoulder width?) apart, arms held crossed against his chest. Despite his aching body, his stance never wavered. His fingers itched to reach for his sword, and he refrained from the revealing gesture of nerves.

That last sentence is complicated and not easy to parse, and the opening paragraph is NOT the place to slow your reader down. A thought-starter version:

His fingers itched to reach for his sword, but he would not show his nerves.

Or

His fingers itched to reach for his sword, but he refused to show his nerves.

Also, "fingers itched" is a cliché. Look for a better verb. Yearned?

Second paragraph:

Early morning rays slowly reached (use of adverb not a strong as a good verb; this is a form of telling. Thoughtstarters: Early morning rays crept… or … Early morning rays inched… etc.)along the ground.  Werne's eyes moved gaze flicked from the forest floor to flick to the brightening skyline.  The dDark soot still rose above the black poisonwood trees.  Satisfaction crossed his face (We're in close third person, having been able to feel the itch in his fingers, so this is stepping way out of point of view. He can't see the expression on his face, or what it does. This is an exterior view, from the author. He can allow himself, for example, a moment of satisfaction before the whistle sounds, but it would be good to know why he feels satisfied, too.) before a low whistle from one of his men turned his attention.  He watched the shadowy darkness (Can darkness be shadowy? Isn't it just dark? Maybe he watches the dark shadows.), but saw no reason for the alert.  A second whistle followed, but Werne was skeptical.  There was nothing except poisonwood trees.  Four more whistles followed swiftly, prodding him to search again.

Third paragraph:

He scowled, trying to pierce the gloom with squinted eyesand squinted his eyes to pierce the gloom. A moment later, a young fletcher raced from the emaciated trees. Hands waving in front of it, the child stumbled through the rough foliage. The wWhip-thin limbs of black slashed at it. Heedless, the child advanced towards them. Their orders were to capture any survivors. Werne gestured (I think "gestured" is a weak verb here. It doesn't really describe his action. Can you make it more descriptive? For example, Werne lifted his arm and clenched his fist, signaling his men to stop the creature.)for his men to stop the creature.

And, lastly:

Moments passed, and no one moved.  The seven guards looked back at him with blank faces.  Unable to let the fletcher escape, Werne took a deep breath, preparing (maybe "bracing" would be a more descriptive word here) himself to touch the

That's just a quick, one-time-through edit, but you get the drift. This writer needs to think about verb choices, look for alternatives to adverbs, and to avoid having a character's eyes leave his head to scamper around in the forest.

And to watch out for subtle forms of repetition as in the last paragraph. Since the guards did nothing but look at him with blank faces, it was redundant to tell the reader that moments passed and that no one moved. Get on with it.

With a good edit, this story seems to have promise to me. I would have kept reading. Good work.

If you have constructive comments for this writer, please give them. Otherwise, see you later.

For what it's worth,

Ray

Free edit. Email a sample for an edit that I can post here.

ARCHIVES .

© 2007 Ray Rhamey

Comments

[Dorothy]

I felt immediately immersed in the central character and I liked that.

If I might maybe alter Ray's edit a little, I'd just say "squinted" rather than "squinted his eyes." I think "squinted" implies it's eyes we're talking about.

[Ray]

I agree with Dorothy. The edit, as I said, was a one-quick-trip-only sort. As she says, losing "his eyes" is a better edit.

Thanks, Dorothy.

Ray

[Brenda]

I agree with Ray's edits and would add that the adverb precisely is not needed in the first paragraph.

In the second paragraph, when the author says "prodding him to search again," the word "search" implied body movement to me, but I wasn't sure. I guess I wanted some quick description of what he's doing with his body, because otherwise he's still standing there feet apart with his arms across his chest, never wavering, even while searching for something.

Finally, I was thrown off by the alternating of "child" and "it" to refer to the fletcher. To me, a child is not an it, and vice-versa. Or maybe that was just me.

[Jessica]

The crescendo of whistles gave me the shivers. Very suspenseful!

[Maria]

I liked this one. But I agreed that it was a little overwritten in spots. After reading this three times, I got something new each time which tells me I was skimming for some reason at one spot or another.

How would it read if you went straight into the arrows whistling through the air or the child stumbling into their midst? Do you think it would change the dynamics of the opening hook?

Judging by this first page only, this feels like something I could curl up with.
Thanks for posting.
--maria

[Wendy]

Powerful characterization of Werne, and I'm thoroughly intrigued to know what "poisonwood trees" are.

I have to disagree with Brenda's criticism of referring to child as "it"; the author calls the child "the creature" in the next sentence, and since the MC had to prepare himself to touch something (which I am assuming is the child), this seems fairly strongly indicative of the MC's attitude toward the child. I saw that as strong characterization, not sloppy writing.

[Virginia Miss]

I'd turn this page, too. I liked the mood and the tension.
I agree that this needs tightening -- arms crossed, refused to show his nerves, squint.
I also did not like the use of "it" to refer to a child. If the gender is to be kept a surprise, perhaps just say hands waving. Or, to condense even further, try, "a young fletcher raced from the emaciated trees, hands fending off the whip thin branches."

[Kammy]

I really liked how this passage creates suspense and anticipation, as well as a mysterious feel. I didn't have a problem with the child being referred to as "it". If that's how this character views children, it gives us an insight into what kind of person he might be.

[tomdg]

Doesn't work for me - sorry. "After ..." (backstory) feels like a very weak place to start. Then you have a lot of description of his pose, which is too detailed. I don't care about his stance, I want to know about who he is, where he is, and what he's doing there.

Para 2 is better. You've got some scenery, and you have Werne doing something (looking around). But if he's on guard, he wouldn't respond to one whistle by looking around and then deciding he can't see anything; he'd assume the whistle was an alert and that there was something nasty out there that he couldn't see - i.e. the lack of a visual reason for the whistle would make him more jumpy, not less.

para 3 - a fletcher is (normally) someone who makes arrows for a living. How do we know this boy (?) is a fletcher? And why is he / she an "it?" Is "it" an animal? "The whip thin limbs of black slashed at it" makes no sense to me (to what do the limbs belong, and is the "it" here the child described before?) And "Heedless" feels clumsy to me.

On the positive side, I've got a vague impression of some interesting-sounding forest scenery, and I know what time of day it is. And I don't know what "poisonwood trees" are either, but the name is wonderfully evocative, so I don't need any further explanation of that.

[thea]

the writing is lush, perhaps a bit too lush - and it might be at the expense of the story itself. you don't want to overshadow your story with so much wordiness. your character is in the woods - there is danger, the silence generates uneasiness. it's all about the senses being heightened - pulled as tight as a bow - before all heck breaks loose. don't lose that tension by stretching it out with too much description. good job and the start of a good story.