Flogometer #2—the page turneth

The challenge: a first page that compels me to turn to the next page. Caveat: please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Here are the first 16 lines of number 2's novel:

I hated everything.

I fidgeted in the uncomfortable, threadbare seat, and I hated the backs of everyone's heads, and the dark gray and blue headscarves that covered them. The usual Betty program was onscreen, and I hated that. I hated some girls near me who were whispering.

A handful of Monitors patrolled the aisles. I hated them too, of course -- everyone either hates the Monitors or wants to be one. One of them shushed the inattentive girls. "No talking in RTV, please." The whispering stopped.

It wasn't the perfect Monitor who had spoken -- she was over there, walking around being perfect on the far side of the auditorium. They said she lived in the New Suburbs, and she could have gone to a better school, but she asked to go to this one, because our need was greater. I hated her the most.

Someone sneezed, to a flurry of whispered "God bless you"'s.

The Betty program droned on and on. I stared dully at the screen until it was just shadows and moving shapes, then shifted my gaze, first to the glowing red "Exit" signs on either side of the stage, then down to the seat in front of me, where somebody had drawn hearts with boys' names inside them, scratching the words into the soft, worn-out wood. "I love Joseph."

Okay, I turned the page. Why is that, you may ask? Curiosity. What's going to happen next?

And the voice. Or maybe what the voice's owner was doing: hating. Goes to show you that action is not the only way to engage a reader.

The voice and what it's doing told me a lot without telling me. I gathered an adolescent, probably female. The story is futuristic in nature, and that's interesting. Religion has something to do with this, too, but what?

It was the story questions that ultimately turned the page. There were a lot raised in these few lines.

• Why does she hate everything?
• It her hatred going to force her to do anything?
• Where is she?
• What's the nature of this future? This school?

But I also think it could be stronger.

Just a little more detail would have made it more intriguing, not less. For example, it bothered me that I didn't know what "RTV" was. Yes, it raised a question, but not an essential story question. Turns out it means "Required Teevee Viewing," which I would have found far more intriguing than just the acronym. That would have had me wondering what she was required to watch, and why.

I also wished I'd had more of a clue as to what a "Betty program" was. I don't think it would have diminished my curiosity to have had a clue. Quite the opposite, I think.

I also feel that it would have been much stronger if there could have been some kind of hint in the last paragraph that, rather than give description, created more tension about this girl, the effect what she was experiencing was having on her, or what she might do about it.

The description in the last paragraph could have yielded more in a number of ways. For example, to just make something up, with apologies to the writer:

The Betty program droned on and on. I hated Betty, too, despite the fact that -- or maybe because -- she had red hair and freckles like me. Or maybe it was because she was so sappily happy while I was two minutes away from, well, exploding.

This is just a thought-starter intended to show how description can also reveal character and move the story forward. You also learned a little about what she looks like. I think that if some of what I just whipped up had been in that last paragraph, my resistance to turning the page would have been even less, and I would have anticipated more.

A couple of technique notes:

• I'm opposed to using "some," as in "some girls," to describe a number. "Three blank-faced girls" would have been better for me. Specifics create reality in fiction.
• I'd encourage the writer to look for an adjective snarkier than "inattentive" to describe the girls, a word more in tune with hatred. Same goes for any other adjectives in this narrative. Make 'em hateful.
• I'd trim this sentence: It wasn't the perfect Monitor who had spoken -- she was over there, walking around being perfect on the far side of the auditorium.
• The "someone sneezed" sentence doesn't seem quite right -- the person wouldn't have sneezed to (as a result of) a flurry of God Bless yous, the flurry would have followed the sneeze. It's just a little contorted, and could be more clear.

I could probably be pickier (and frequently am), but this one worked for me. I can tell you that the second page worked as well, and gave me a deeper picture of the protagonist as a loner. And then things seem to suddenly change with a very nice twist

-- the perfect Monitor, the one artfully set up as the one our heroine hates the most, invites our heroine to sit with her at lunch. . . What's going to happen next? If have constructive comments for this writer, please give them. Otherwise, see you later. For what it's worth, Ray Free edit. Email a sample for an edit that I can post here. ARCHIVES . © 2007 Ray Rhamey

Comments

[Jessica]

I love that the MC's language use gives me such a clear picture of her (bored teenage girl), without the author giving an iota of physical description. Her scathing description of the monitors, especially The Perfect Monitor made me laugh out loud.

[Virginia Miss]

I would have turned the page too. Nice job.

[tomdg]

Yup, I liked this. Nothing happens - I don't care. It's got character. And yes, by the end of the page the POV still doesn't have a description, a name, or even a gender. I don't care. He / she has character, which is far more important. Personally I think if you put in anything to hint more about the POV, it would just be backstory and dilute the voice, so I'd say don't. One of the problems with writing 1st person is you can't "see" the character without some awkward musings (e.g. a mirror a la Milan Kundera). When it's done well, this is more than balanced by the ability to get into the character's head. You do this well - stick with what you've got.

I wouldn't change this much. I liked "some" in the first para, I find "inattentive" a little week but can't think of anything better.

Two comments on capitalization: (1) why capitalize "Monitor"? will we figure that out later? And, why not capitalize "Perfect" in para 4? Just an idea ...

Finally - the flurry of whispered "God bless you"s - I'm more used to people saying "Bless you" but that's probably cultural. I don't think you can have the close quote in the middle of the word, you might have to say "God bless yous" even though the plural isn't what's actually said. And - can you have the POV hating this phony, knee-jerk piety (or something)? I.e., add a short "hate" sentence to that para.

That said, the single-line para with the sneeze works really well as it is. I really like the way the temp changes from para to para to fit what's going on. Great technique.

This is really good!

[Jennifer]

I really got drawn in by the main character's description and her attitude towards what she sees. She hates, but you get the feeling there is a reason for the hate.

I really enjoyed reading this.

[Wendy]

I wanted to know what a Betty program and RTV were, too, but otherwise I was fully intrigued, and really wanted to know why the MC hated everything and everybody. I quite liked the MC, too, in spite of her attitude and alienation, and I think it takes some pretty skillful writing to achieve that in the first sixteen lines!

Well done, #2!

[gregory huffstutter]

This worked for me as well. Strong voice, didn't over-explain. I definitely got the sense I was reading a futuristic novel without having the author come out and say so. I didn't feel the need to have RTV spelled out for me... but if it hadn't been on page 2-3 I would've been annoyed.