Can a “dialogue” opening” work?

Jennifer posted a novel opening on her blog and asked about a self-admitted problem -- a lack of confidence in her ability with description, and especially with setting the scene at the beginning of a story. She was hoping that her "dialogue opening" worked.

I didn't think it did, and there were many opportunities for snippets of description that would create pictures in the reader's mind. I gave some comments, including suggestions for action beats and description to add. She did some work, and then sent me the following sample. Did she get the job done?

"Alcatraz." Josh threw out the suggestion.

"No way. That place creeps me out." Rachael shook her head so hard her ponytail whipped from side to side hitting her cheeks.

"Aww come on Rachael." Abby giggled. She loved to tease her cousin. "Alcatraz could be a really cool project. Imagine what it must have been like for the prisoners living there. Pitch black cells, mice sharing your sleeping space, water that tastes like -- "

"Enough! That's enough." Rachael gave Abby an irritated look. "Why don't we study something like the Gold Rush?" Rachael opened her history book and pushed it across her desk toward Abby. It showed a picture of a bunch of ragged looking men. They were gathered around some gold mining device. "That's a good topic."

Josh shook his head. "Too boring. Everyone is going to be doing that."

"Yeah," Abby agreed. Everyone in class had their book open to that same page. "We need a topic that no one else in the class will do. Something unique and interesting."

"What else is there that's not boring?" Josh asked.

"I have a few possibilities. San Francisco is on the list. So was Alcatraz…" Abby held up her hands before Rachael could say anything. "I know, I know. I took it off my list for you." Abby pulled out a sheet of paper. "I decided we're going to study The Economical Impact of the Railroad on California."

"What?" Josh just stared at her.

"You think that's interesting?" Rachael asked.

Abby smiled. She'd expected this response. Big titles sounded smart and she was quite proud of this one. They were studying Californian history this month. Ms. Cavanaugh had let them chose groups of three to work on their history projects. She'd already started doing work -- since last week when Ms. Cavanaugh had told them about the assignment.

"Think about everything we could do. We could go in almost any direction and just focus on one aspect that interests us most." Abby was excited. She figured she had an unfair advantage since she'd lived in California and already knew more than the other students.

What do you know, now? What have you seen? Do you know how old these people are? Not really. They could be anywhere from, let's say, 4th grade to high-school seniors. (The manuscript reveals on page 7 that they're 13 and in the seventh grade. Way too late for me.) You know they're in a classroom, and that they are two girls and a boy, and that the girls are cousins.

More than that, are you hooked? Just have to read on?

In my view, a reader is not only happier when they see characters in action in context, it's easier for them to be involved in the story. It helps to know where characters are. Who and what they are. Their physical surroundings. With that fundamental stuff under their mental belts, readers can join you in seeing the movie. Without it, well, they're listening to radio. And even radio uses word pictures and sound effects to create a sense of scene.

Description can be woven into dialogue to give the reader a sense of place. I'll add some to Jennifer's sample. See if it makes a difference. I'll also do a little editing along the way.

"Alcatraz." Josh threw out the suggestion and then flopped back in his desk. Abby liked his confidence. It made him seem older than thirteen.

Rachael shook her head so hard her ponytail whipped from side to side and hit hitting her cheeks. "No way. That place creeps me out."

"Aww, come on, Rachael." Abby giggled. She loved to tease her cousin. "Alcatraz could be a really cool project. Imagine what it must have been like for the prisoners living there. Pitch-black cells, rats in your bed, water that tasted like -- "

"Enough. That's enough." Rachael gave Abby an irritated look. "Why don't we study something like the Gold Rush?" Rachael opened her history book and pushed it across her desk toward Abby. It showed a picture of a bunch of ragged-looking men. They were gathered around some gold mining devices. "That's a good topic." (Note: "gave Abby an irritated look." is telling. I think "Rachael frowned at Abby." shows the same emotion.)

Josh shook his head. "Too boring." He looked around the classroom. "The whole seventh grade will do Everyone is going to be doing that."

"Yeah," Abby agreed. She looked around the class. Everyone had their book open to that same page. "We need a topic that no one else in the class will do. Ssomething unique and interesting."

"What else is there that's not boring?" Josh asked.

"I have a few possibilities. San Francisco is on the list. So was Alcatraz…" Abby held up her hands before Rachael could say anything. "I know, I know. I took it off my list for you." Abby pulled out a sheet of paper. "I decided we're going to study The Economical Impact of the Railroad on California."

"What?" Josh just stared at her.

"You think that's interesting?" Rachael said asked.

Abby smiled. She'd expected this response. Big titles sounded smart and she was quite proud of this one. They were studying Californian history this month. Ms. Cavanaugh had let them chose groups of three to work on their history projects. She'd already started doing work -- since last week when Ms. Cavanaugh had told them about the assignment.   (Overwriting -- we know they're studying history, don't need the "Californian" detail; we know that they are a group of three; it's obvious that Abby has done some work because of what she did.)

"Think about everything we could do. We could go in almost any direction and just focus on one aspect that interests us most." Abby was excited. She figured she had an unfair advantage since she'd lived in California and already knew more than the other students. (This didn't do anything to advance the plot nor add a lot to characterization.)

Does this have the elements of a compelling opening? Conflict? Yes, a small one. Rising tension? Mild tension, not really a disagreement. Compelling story question? Not for me. There doesn't seem to be much in the way of jeopardy, or of consequences related to which topic they work on.

It turns out, later in the chapter, that Abby suggests that they take the train from where they are, Boston, to Los Angeles. Now that's interesting, especially for kids this age. If I were editing this novel, I would suggest several things.

1. Not only set the scene earlier, get them out of the classroom. Put them in an interesting place, some place they can have freedom to move and raise their voices.
2. Cut to the chase: get to the travel to California by train right away, and the subsequent resistance by the others. The conflict is increased, and good story questions raised: will they do it? What will happen if they do?
3. Have them decide to do it illicitly, that is, without parental permission, even though they know they'll be grounded for a year if they don't pull it off. Raise the stakes.
   

For example, what if the opening went something like this:

Josh said, "You're crazy." Then he stepped up and threw his bowling ball -- into the gutter.

Abby giggled. "I'm not crazy. It's a great idea."

Rachael shook her head. "Seventh-graders do not take a train from Boston to L.A. for a history project."

Josh's ball returned. He grabbed it, got set, and then turned to Abby. "Our parents would never let us."

Aha, she had him interested. Abby had an answer. "We don't tell them."

The two chorused, "What?" Rachael added, "I'd be grounded forever. No way."

In those six short paragraphs we know where they are, what grade they're in, that they have a history project, that Abby wants to take a train trip from Boston to Los Angeles, and that the others are going to resist. I'm not saying it's terrific writing, but I think it does illustrate some of the things you need to get going in your manuscript as soon as possible:

• Tension.
• Story Questions.
• Scene setting.
• Characterization.
  

For what it's worth,

Ray

Free edit in exchange for posting permission. You send a sample that you have questions about and of which you'd like an edit. I won't post it without your permission.

ARCHIVES .

© 2006 Ray Rhamey

Comments

[Jennifer]

Thanks for the critique. I've revised a lot of the portion that Abby suggest they study and her talk there...took most of it out and added the parts I needed back in at other spots where the history was needed.

I've been struggling with the beginning for ages. For the same reason, the conflict wasn't there. I want to really start my story at chapter 3--so I've been trying to figure out how to rewrite the beginning.

Thanks for critique. It was/is helpful.