Edit: a good beginning that can be better

Zach sent the following sample. Here's the way it opens up.

Till pointed lazily at a herd of vaporous rabbits gliding effortlessly through the mid-morning sky. "Look at them all. They look so happy."

"Yeah."

I was more concerned with the way her hand was softly pressed against mine than the clouds. I could see the clouds every day, but this moment was something that I could not rely on.

Till silently rolled over and propped herself up on her soft shoulder. Her blond hair hung playfully in her eyes as they looked right at me. "You know what?"

"What?"

"I like you."

"Yeah. I like you, too."

She let herself drop, her head falling against my chest. I felt her breathe out slowly, the sun warming her back. She looked just like a lizard, or a kitten, or some other lazy creature, just lying around all day without a care in the world. I picked at the grass by my elbow, making a little dirt patch on the hill. A single plane droned angrily against the silent morning.

"Hey Till?"

"Yeah?"

"Have you ever wanted to be there? Like, way up in the sky, flying around all day long until you ran out of fuel or energy and had to come down?"

"Sometimes, yeah. But if I ever had that chance, I don't think I would come down. I would just keep flying until I died or ran out of fuel. Crashing to earth is worth those hours of unchained freedom, I think."

"Yeah."

I closed my eyes as the plane droned on. As it flew overhead, the buzz of it's single engine grew louder and louder. I didn't really think too much of it until I opened my eyes. The bottom of the plane grew exponentially, getting larger and larger, until there was no where else for it to grow than here.

"Till, get up!"

I pulled her small frame to it's feet, scaring her out of a warm day-dream.

Four seconds later, the sound of twisting metal and crushing glass could be heard. Five seconds later, the back of my head felt like it was on fire. Six seconds later, I lost consciousness.

I don't know how many seconds it had been since then. All I could hear were the frantic screams of a girl who liked me.

For me, this definitely passes the "read more" test. Plenty of story questions are raised, and dramatic action -- a plane crash -- kick-starts my interest.

But, to this reader's eye, there are shortcomings. It could be better.

Things I'd like to have also learned from the narrative:

• While I'm taking these people as being youths of some age, I'd like to know more closely. I thought they could be as young as tweens until Till refers to "hours of unchained freedom," which doesn't sound childlike at all.
• I'd like more scene-setting sooner. For example, we learn that they're on a hill in the eighth paragraph. I'd have preferred to be "seeing" the characters there from the start.

Here's a line edit suggestions that could help add elements I feel are missing.

Till pointed lazily at a herd of vaporous rabbits gliding effortlessly through the mid-morning sky. "Look at them all. They look so happy." (I cut the adverb because it doesn't really add to the picture -- what is a lazy point, anyway?)

"Yeah." I was more concerned with the way her other hand was softly pressed against mine than with the clouds. I could see the clouds every day, but this moment was something that I could not rely on. (I wonder about "concerned" as the verb here, which carries an undertone of anxiety. Wouldn't something such as "interested" or "focused" work as well without the semantic loadings?)

Oh, I could hope that Till would still be this way after our freshman year started tomorrow in the red brick high school I could make out from our hilltop. I was afraid she wouldn't. (This is clumsy, but it's just a "Thoughtstarter" to help the writer look for a way to include a little more on age and location and yet still characterize and advance the story.)

Till silently rolled over and propped herself up on her soft shoulderelbow. Her blonde hair hung playfully in her eyes as they looked right at me. "You know what?" (I cut "silently" because, unless the narrative indicates a sound, the movement is by definition silent and the adverb unneeded. On "soft shoulder," it seems to me that people prop themselves up on their elbows when lying on the ground. You can roll over onto a shoulder, but propping takes an elbow. And, while "blond" is acceptable, generally "blonde" is used for a female, "blond" for a male.)

"What?"

"I like you."

"Yeah. I like you, too."

She let herself drop, her head falling against my chest. I felt her breathe ease out slowly, the sun warming her back. She looked just like a lizard, or a kitten, or some other lazy creature, just lying around all day without a care in the world. I picked at the grass by my elbow, making clearing a little dirt patch on the hill. A single plane droned angrily against the silent morning. (I cut another "slowly" because adverbs don't picture all that well, and inserted "ease" to show how she breathed. I also cut out the part about the sun warming her back because it's a little iffy on the point of view -- how does he know it's warming her back, or that it feels that way? If the writer wants to include such a reference [and it's a good way to show that the sun is out and the day is warm], maybe something such as a new sentence: The sun warmed me, but not half as much as the thoughts that she stirred. Next: for me, bringing in a lizard and a reference to a vague "other lazy creature" slowed things, made me fish for meaning, and broke the mood. I would also note for the writer that "without a care in the world" is a cliché, and urge him to come up with something more fresh. While "droned angrily" works fairly well for using an adverb, I think it would be better if more pictorial, i.e. "droned like an angry wasp." )

"Hey, Till?"

"Yeah?"

"Have you ever wanted to be there? Like, way up in the sky, flying around all day long until you ran out of fuel or energy and had to come down?" (Since the stimulus for this was an airplane, which uses fuel, I thought the added reference to energy was not needed and a little confusing)

"Sometimes, yeah. But if I ever had that chance, I don't think I would come down. I would just keep flying until I crashed to the earth. I died or ran out of fuel. Crashing to earth is It would be worth those hours of unchained freedom, I think." (Repeating "run out of fuel" was bothersome to me, and I think the logic was a little off, thus my suggested recasting of the sentences.)

"Yeah."

I closed my eyes.  as tThe plane droned on. As it flew overhead, tThe buzz of it's its single engine grew louder and louder. I didn't really think too much of it until I opened my eyes. The bottom of the plane grew exponentially, getting larger and larger, until there was no wherenowhere else for it to grow go than here. (I cut the part about flying overhead because that would put the plane above them, which would be impossible because it's just about to crash into them. The writer used "it's," which means "it is," here instead of the possessive pronoun "its." I cut "single" because the use of the singular "engine" tells you all you need to know and the adjective was superfluous. Lastly, I felt that "go" instead of "grow" was more clear and that "grow" could have been a mistake.)

"Till, get up!"

I pulled yanked her to hersmall frame to it's feet, scaring her out of a warm day-dream and ran, dragging her with me. (Several things here: I substituted a more active, likely verb for "pulled," which could be a slow movement, and panic is called for here. I thought "small frame to it's [sic] feet" was odd and overwriting. The part about scaring her out of a daydream is a point-of-view glitch -- he can't know what's going on in her mind, and this is a case of "head-hopping." Lastly, I felt the action should be more than just getting to feet. I'd run, wouldn't you?)

Four seconds later, I heard the sound of twisting metal and crushing glass could be heard. Five seconds later, the back of my head felt like it was on fire. Six seconds later, I lost consciousness.

I don't know how many seconds it had been since then. All I could hear were the frantic screams of a girl who liked me. (The part about knowing how many seconds it had been since then totally confused me. He was just unconscious. This needs a transition, something such as "When I came to, sprawled with my face in the grass, I didn't know how many seconds it had been.)

So, Zach, a good start, but it could, in my view, be more crisp in places and more clear in others.

For what it's worth,

Ray

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ARCHIVES . © 2006 Ray Rhamey

Comments

[Zachary Lewis]

Thanks so much for the edit. I have written more since I sent you that start, and it can be found at http://crashnovel.blogspot.com .

It's serial, so more keeps coming. I really like these edits, and I will think about them as I continue to write.