Edit: good elements, but work needed

I've been remiss in doing sample edits, so I'll try to catch up. Here's a sample sent by Susan.

The lone criminal slid from an emergency exit of a prison freighter onto the station. Primer Bay rotated in orbit with a blanket of stars behind it, glittering like abandoned diamonds in some magician's black canvas bag of tricks. The station, the last outpost of civilization before the deep space jump off, is an isolated rest stop for the weary with all the amenities a person would need or want for the long hauls across space. Ten layers of docking bays ringed the station. Seventeen shops, bars and restaurant lay at Primer Bay's heart.

The convict's stomach growled, he thought two days had gone by since he ate the last of the stolen food. His dry mouth tasted like ash and felt like wool, he wanted food and a beer. Not necessarily in that order.

Stretching his arms over his head, Richard Kurt turned to look at the dull, gray haul of the freighter. With a yawn he let is arms drop, taking in the exit door he just left. Glancing around he saw a large loading platform next to a vast holding bay. His free ride was headed to Earth where it would be docked for three months until the next run for the prison system. Kurt figured once on the planet, he could lose himself easily. Beyond the obvious plan of ditching the feds, he thought he would play it by ear. For the moment, he needed food. He made his way with caution toward the smell of food without thought to paying for his meal.

Entering the main commons area without incident, he found despite the late hour there were still a few people around. Kurt walked along the left side of the shopping area, he smelled steak, and fried onions. His mouth watered and his stomach growled in protest. He stopped in front of a couple eating a late night meal. It took all his well power not to leap on the table and stuff his mouth with both hands. As they felt his gaze on them the couple raised their heads. Kurt blinked and nodded his head, the couple resumed eating. He continued on, circling the food area, and decided on a restaurant at the end of the line.

Darkness lay beyond the doors all but two letters on the neon sign were burned out. Kurt thought he could eat the damned sign if he didn't get fed soon. Taking a table near the door, he ordered two hot beef and cheese with a bucket of onion rings and pint of beer. Looking around he noticed the patrons seemed restless, their eyes shifted to one another. He began to get an itch at the back of his neck, his gut instinct said to get up and walk out. As he began to stand, the food was placed in front of him. The waitress glanced behind her at two men who whispered quietly in the back by the restrooms, their eyes slid from her to a guy sitting hunched over the bar.

Glancing at the food Kurt forgot his concern and began eating. The sandwich tasted fine and the cold beer made him want to weep. He thought it might be the best hot meal he had eaten in six years. Placing the mug on the table, Kurt leaned back and stifled a belch. Noticing the two men from the back moving towards the fellow at the bar, Kurt began to slide from the table. As he grabbed the bucket of onion rings and the pitcher of beer a body went flying past him and into the walkway.

Kurt munched the onion rings as he made his way back to the freighter, he took care to save a few bites since it would be a couple of days before he made Earth. He knew a little hunger would be worth his freedom. So focused on juggling the beer and the food he failed to notice the silent figure which stood frozen across the commons area from him.

The bounty hunter took in the fight and quickly fading criminal. Taking out his weapon the gun hummed with a pulsing charge, he lowered toward the brawlers "Move." he said with an emotionless stare.

They crawled away from the bounty hunter as he leaped across two figures and began running after the criminal.

Walking forward Kurt lay the beer mug down on a box and glanced at the nearly invisible entrance on the side of the mammoth ship and quickened his pace. The parking lights at the nose of the freighter glowed red, signaling take off time.

Susan's doing the right thing by starting with a character in action, but for me there were some point-of-view problems, and a fair amount of over-writing. Some edits & notes (remember the usual caveat: this is all subjective).

The lone criminal slid from an emergency exit of a prison freighter onto the station. Primer Bay rotated in orbit with a blanket of stars behind it, glittering like abandoned diamonds in some magician's black canvas bag of tricks. The station, the last outpost of civilization before the deep space jump off, is an isolated rest stop for the weary with all the amenities a person would need or want for the long hauls across space. Ten layers of docking bays ringed the station. Seventeen shops, bars and restaurant lay at Primer Bay's heart. This distant point of view is acceptible, but you're jumping into too much detail about the setting too soon. First things first: make something happen. If you feel the need to describe the station up front, do it from within the character's pov as he looks at it from space.

The convict's stomach growled, he thought two days had gone by since he ate the last of the stolen food. (wouldn't he know how much time?) His dry mouth tasted like ash and felt like wool, he wanted food and a beer. Not necessarily in that order. Nice description in the end but, whoa! you suddenly went from a very distant pov to right inside the character's head. IMO, you should have started with Kurt's pov. Also, since we're in his pov, he would never think of himself as "the convict."

Stretching his arms over his head, Richard Kurt (Should have introduced this first thing instead of "The convict." Let the reader figure out his criminal status from what he does and thinks, i.e. show, don't tell.) turned to look at the dull, gray haul (hull) of the freighter. With a yawn he let is (his) arms drop, taking in the exit door he just left. Glancing around he saw a large loading platform next to a vast holding bay. His free ride was headed to Earth where it would be docked  dock for three months until the next run for the prison system. Kurt figured once on the planet, he could lose himself easily. Beyond the obvious plan of ditching the feds, he thought he would play it by ear. For the moment, he needed food. He made his way with caution toward the smell of food without thought to paying for his meal("made his way with caution is "telling." Suggest you show. Thoughtstarter: Strolling as though he belonged there, but alert for glances that showed too much attention, he headed for the smell of food. )

Entering the main commons area without incident, he found despite the late hour there were still a few people around.  In the main commons area, Kurt walked along the left side of the shopping area, he smelled steak, and fried onions. His mouth watered and his stomach growled in protest. He stopped in front of a couple eating a late night meal. It took all his well power willpower not to leap on the table and stuff his mouth with both hands. As they felt his gaze on them the couple raised their heads. (pov glitch: he can't know what the couple feels, need to change this) Kurt blinked and nodded his head (what other part of his anatomy could he nod?), the couple resumed eating. He continued on, circling the food area, and decided on a restaurant at the end of the line. (Don’t need most of this paragraph because we already know he’s been two days without food. I’d cut it the couple, get him to the commons area and smelling the food, and then get him to the restaurant in the following paragraph.)  

Darkness lay beyond the doors all but two letters on the neon sign were burned out. (Huh? What does the darkness mean, and what’s the significance of the burned out letters? Unnecessary detail, I’d cut it.) Kurt thought he could eat the damned sign if he didn’t get fed soon. (We already know he’s hungry.) Taking a table near the door, he ordered two hot beef and cheese (two beef and cheese whats? Sandwiches?) with a bucket of onion rings and pint of beer. Looking around he noticed the patrons seemed restless, their eyes shifted to one another. (I’m sure you don’t mean that pairs of eyes shifted from one person to another, roaming around the room, but that’s what this says. Only their gazes can shift in this way.) He began to get an itch at the back of his neck, (better: The back of his neck itched) his gut instinct said to get up and walk out. As he began to stand, the food was placed in front of him. The waitress glanced behind her at two men who whispered quietly in the back by the restrooms, their eyes slid (eyes don’t slide, gazes can) from her to a guy sitting hunched over the bar.

Glancing at the food Kurt forgot his concern and began eating. The sandwich tasted fine and the cold beer made him want to weep. (I like the “weep”) He thought it might be the best hot meal he had eaten in six years. Placing the mug on the table, Kurt leaned back and stifled a belch. Noticing the two men from the back moving towards the fellow at the bar, Kurt began to slide (see my post on “don’t get me started.” He didn’t begin to slide, he just slid.) from the table. (I think you mean from his chair.) As he grabbed the bucket of onion rings and the pitcher of beer a body (continuity problem--he ordered a pint, which would be a glass, there is no pitcher) went flying past him and into the walkway. (While this little fight sequence does illustrate the rowdy area of the place, since it doesn’t involve the protagonist, I feel it serves no purpose and slows things down. Now, if you had the body slam into him and that caused a reaction, that would be okay. But still not needed.)

Kurt munched the onion rings as he made his way back to the freighter, he took (taking) care to save a few bites since it would be a couple of days before he made Earth. He knew a A little hunger would be worth his freedom. So focused on juggling the beer and the food, he failed to notice the silent figure which stood frozen across the commons area from him. (since we’re in his point of view, if he doesn’t notice something it can’t be in his narrative—this is a common pov problem. This needs to be deleted. On the other hand, why not have him notice the figure and feel threatened. That would increase the tension, and you really need to do that. All we’ve done so far is step off a ship, walk, and eat.)

The bounty hunter took in the fight and quickly fading criminal.  (this was a giant head-hop, a point-of-view switch that was jarring. We didn't even know this character existed. You can switch povs, but you need to clue the reader with a space and some other indicator, and a transition. But to switch for just two paragraphs isn’t good technique, in my view.) Taking out his weapon the gun hummed with a pulsing charge, he lowered toward the brawlers “Move.” he said with an emotionless stare. (This sentence lacked rhythm and punctuation, and crammed too much together, and misused “with” in that you can’t say something with a stare, you have to use your mouth. A rewrite: He took out his weapon. It hummed with a pulsing charge when he aimed it at the brawlers. “Move.”)

I’ll stop here because, as you saw in the original, the pov hops back to Kurt’s in just one paragraph, and I would have said to find another way to do this. What, some ask, is the problem with head-hopping? In my view, it distances the reader from the character and, thus, reduces emotional involvement with what’s happening. If the writer is okay with that, so be it. I believe the deeper and more strongly you connect the reader with a character, the greater your chance of keeping the pages turning instead of the book being put aside.

Susan has some good ideas, but needs to be more careful of spelling and continuity. And to work on doing more with less. The main lack for this reader was a lack of tension. There’s not much in the way of jeopardy or conflict raised in this opening. It might be better to start later in the story, where the bounty hunter confronts Kurt.

For what it’s worth,

Ray

Free edit in exchange for posting permission. You send a sample that you have questions about and of which you'd like an edit. I won't post it without your permission.

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© 2006 Ray Rhamey

 

Comments

[susan]

Thanks for the review, as I suspected there are problems with the work. I have rewritten this several times, and I just recently broke the book down into chapters and realized the problem with the point of view. People have mentioned it before but I didn't see it until I started reading it in a seperate format from what I was used to seeing.
By the way, I have cut the second half of the book and am rewriting the entire thing with point of view in mind. I really felt my plot was lacking and needed clarification but to do that, it needed some serious cutting. So I cut it all. I am a nervous wreck but I am trying to rewrite by the end of Sept. I need a deadline, because I worked on this book for five years and I procrastinate like a pro.
Thanks again for your editing, I really appreciated the advice.
Susan

[readmancou]

surface difficult controls gross work cfcs