Doing without without

I'll bet you've seen one or more of these phrases in stories:

Without a sound

Without a glance

Without a doubt

Without a thought

Without a word

You might have even used them.

It seems to me that most of the time these phrases are about as useful as your appendix (which doesn't seem to have a use). They are comfortable-feeling collections of words that describe a negative, an absence. But I think they are frequently "lazy writing." They are a missed opportunity to do better storytelling.

If whatever it is the story is doing without isn't there, why bring it up? You, the writer, control absolutely everything the character and the reader experience. If you don't put something into the narrative, it doesn't exist, does it? So why tell the reader that what isn't there isn't there?

Here are some examples, including a few that from samples I've received.

Without a sound

He crossed the room without a sound.

You, the author, control what the reader "hears." If you don't supply a sound, there is none. In my view, here "without a sound" is redundant. If the narrative says. . .

He crossed the room.

. . .did you "hear" anything? Nope. Now, if you want to indicate the stealthy nature of his movement, don't do it with an absence, do it with intent, i.e.

Stepping lightly to make no sound, he crossed the room.

Or why not show rather than tell. For example:

He removed his shoes and tiptoed across the room in his socks.

Don't you automatically imagine his movement as being silent?

Without a glance:

She picked up her bag and walked off without a backward glance.

Okay, this hints at something going on in the character, but only hints. Wouldn't it be better, from a characterization point of view, to do something such as:

She picked up her bag and walked off, resisting the urge to look back, to see his face one more time.

Without a glint:

His eyes said, without a glint, that he was either for you or against you.

Hmmm. Generally, a glint is a brief shine or gleam of light. But here, a glint of what?

Without a thought:

She made her decision without a second thought.

What is this sentence really saying?

She made her decision.

Sure, you'll tell me that the writer is trying to characterize here, that perhaps the character is impulsive. But why do it with an absence? Could it be more positively stated, i.e.

She plunged ahead and made her decision.

Without a word

Alex stepped into the room without a word.

He left it outside the room? Will he have go back and get it if he needs it? Which word? Rather than raise all these questions in the minds of astute readers, why not just:

Alex stepped into the room.

Here's another "without a word":

"Let's go," she breathed, excited and a little frightened. Without a word, they turned as one to go.

I think it's the "without a word" phrase that seems least likely to contribute. If you, the writer, don't put any words on the page for the character to say, then they weren't said.

I can see, perhaps, a need to characterize an action. I think the following attempts to do that:

Jessica scooped the mug up and marched off without a word.

But what if it were something such as:

Jessica bit back a retort, scooped up the mug, and marched off.

There are times "without" is useful, of course. From a sample:

She felt a twinge of regret that she would be leaving Loren without a word of goodbye.

BTW, I try to avoid using "felt." I think the above would be stronger if it were:

She regretted that she would be leaving Loren without a word of goodbye.

To be fair about this, I searched my own work for "without a". I found these in the first novel:

She hung up without a goodbye, which suited him fine.

This seems to work because the absence of expected behavior is what the character notices.

He sagged and left without a look back.

Here the "without a look back" got cut.

In novel number two I found a "without a glance back." I think it can be removed, although I'm tempted. . .

I also found two uses of "without a word" that I immediately cut.

The third novel:

Then Dudley said, without an ounce of sarcasm in his voice, "I'm sure it is, pardner.

Seems to me the phrase works here to characterize the speech. If I took it out, you wouldn't get the tone, and it is the absence of sarcasm that counts. I think the construction also suggests that the recipient of this speech (the pov character) expects sarcasm from Dudley.

I think that there are times when the absence of something can be meaningful. In the following, someone is running a horse (Dusty) through a pasture.

Ten feet from gully's edge, without a hint of warning, Dusty turned at a right angle and raced away from the trench.

Mentioning the absence here, I hope, signals that what happens next is totally unexpected, which was:

Jesse left the saddle and flew straight ahead, riding air.

Or how about this:

A cigarette without a light is as useless as a kiss without a pucker.

When I searched the new novel, number four, I found no instances of "without a."

Have you noticed that this writing thing is a learning curve that all of us climb, phrase by phrase? But it's interesting, isn't it?

For what it's worth.

Ray

Free edit in exchange for posting permission. You send a sample that you have questions about and of which you'd like an edit. I won't post it without your permission.

ARCHIVES .

© 2006 Ray Rhamey

Comments

[Gargi]

Great article. I searched my WIP and found one 'without a word', which I shall rephrase. The other withouts are okay, as in not they're used as 'without a -', but I'll look at ways to rephrase those too.