Edit: Is this B’s best opening?

“B” sent me the opening to her novel and asked this question: “Is this beginning sufficiently entertaining to invite a request for more material from an agent/editor?” Here are the critical first two pages:

Inspector Steve LaViolette of the National Security Branch watched her stride down the airport concourse. Black it was, just as she had said: black boots, black pants, black leather jacket, black scarf - covering some but not all of that extraordinary hair. She towed black leather luggage and carried a black travel case.

Tres chic, he thought, but she walks like a warrior.

Her gaze passed over him with seeming indifference. Steve was momentarily startled. Had she really crossed her eyes when they met his? He watched her angle toward the lounge area and, with a quick stride and a twitch of her travel case, neatly beat a mother and two kids to the only free double seat.

She parked her suitcase beside the bench and plopped down, dropped the carry-on beside her feet, checked her watch, extracted a pen and note pad from the side zipper compartment and sat back. She left the compartment unzipped and nudged the case sideways with her boot.

"So that's my contact? Nice ass..." said a voice at his shoulder. Steve turned and looked the source over slowly. "You really are young, aren't you," he said at last. "There you go. She set it up for you."

Steve watched the body language critically as the young agent ambled through the seating area, newspaper in hand, scanning the headlines, a glance at his watch, the recognition of a convenient seat, the question in mime -"Is this seat free?" Her brief glance and nod and slight personal space withdrawal from a stranger. The paper falling from a careless grip as the young man hitched at his raincoat. The apology. She waving her hand in a think-nothing-of-it gesture and continuing to scribble on her note pad.

Cocky young prick, thought Steve, too tricky for a safe hand-off, not good; draws the eye, also not good. Newspaper not good for this time of night - magazine would be better. The young man gathered up his scattered newspaper sections and sat back with a smug expression.

And froze.

She must be saying something, Steve thought with a chortle, but I don't see her lips moving. She flipped her note pad closed, stuffed the pen in the coils and bent to slide it back into the side pocket, then zipped it shut. Now that's proper use of diverting action, approved Steve. The young operative slowly opened his paper.

Steve waited until they were walking back through the parking lot. "Well, what did she say to you?"

The smart young man missed a step. "Uh...how did you...? Un...she said she wished she had a balloon to pop to see if I would dive under the furniture. She said..uh...that fit young men in nice suits and short hair do not drop old newspapers, and that I stuck out like a sore thumb....And...uh...she called me a 'silly bugger.'"

Steve smiled.

"She also said," the young man continued, "to say hello to Inspector Gadget."

Steve frowned.

She boarded her flight with a minimum of hassle, just as Steve had promised, and found she had a window seat. She wished Steve had just faxed or couriered the information as he usually did. Or simply have it handed to her direct with a "Hi. This is for you. Steve sent it." Let him test his new boys' techniques on someone else, next time. She felt silly back there.

I’ll answer B’s question in a minute, but first a quick edit of some of this narrative. Caveat: it’s all subjective but, with luck, objective enough from a craft point of view.

Inspector Steve LaViolette of the National Security Branch watched her stride down the airport concourse. Strongly suggest you use her name instead of the pronoun. These first 2 pages never give her name, and she is the main protagonist. Black it was, just as she had said: black boots, black pants, black leather jacket, black scarf covering some but not all Redundant: “not all” means the same as “some” of that extraordinary hair. “Extraordinary” means nothing with no picture to go with it. It is black? Especially full or curly or bushy or long? Why is it extraordinary? She towed black leather luggage and carried a black travel case.

Tres chic, he thought, but she walks like a warrior.

Her gaze passed over him with seeming indifference. Steve was momentarily startled. Had she really crossed her eyes when they met his? Her gaze didn’t “pass over him with indifference,” she crossed her eyes at him. Contradictory. A solution: Her gaze met his and she crossed her eyes at him. Steve was startled. Had she really done that? He watched her angle toward the lounge area and, with a quick stride and a twitch of her travel case, neatly beat a mother and two kids to the only free double seat.

She parked her suitcase beside the bench and plopped down, dropped the carry-on beside her feet Two “besides” in one sentence. Suggest “at” here, checked her watch, extracted a pen and note pad from the side zipper compartment and sat back. She left the compartment unzipped and nudged the case sideways with her boot.

"So that's my contact? Nice ass..." said a voice at his shoulder. Confusing without a dialogue tag; this could be Steve talking, especially since he’s the only one we’re aware of. A solution: A voice at his shoulder said, “So that’s my contact? Nice ass.”</font> Steve turned and looked the source over slowly. Why be vague with “the source” when you can give a name (instead of having to use “young man” the rest of the way) and a brief picture to help the reader “see” what’s there? For example: Steve looked at Johnson. The kid was smirking. </font> "You really are young, aren't you," he said at last. "There you Go.  She set it up for you."

Steve watched the Johnson’s body language critically as the young agent Suggest something such as “novice” here to get at his inexperience. We’ve already established that he’s young. ambled through the seating area, newspaper in hand, scanning the headlines, a glance at his watch, the recognition of a convenient seat, the question in mime -"Is this seat free?" Her brief glance and nod and slight personal space withdrawal from a stranger. The paper falling from a careless grip as the young man hitched at his raincoat. The apology. She waving her hand in a think-nothing-of-it gesture and continuing to scribble on her note pad. I thought this was a good way to describe the action, but a little tangled with verb tense and the inclusion of her body language as well when the narrative just mentions watching his. Thought-starter: Steve watched Johnson critically as the novice agent ambled through the seating area, newspaper in hand, scanning the headlines. Then came the mini-play of strangers at a station: A glance at his watch, the sighting of an empty seat, miming the question “Is this seat free?” Her brief look (avoids a second use of “glance”), nod, and slight withdrawal from a stranger…etc.)

Cocky young prick, thought Steve, Can delete “thought Steve—not really needed for internal monologue.  too tricky for a safe hand-off, not good; Suggest delete “not good” as “too tricky” says the same thing, so it’s redundant draws the eye, also not good. Newspaper not good for this time of night - magazine would be better. Steve is the boss; why didn’t he instruct him about the newspaper beforehand?  Johnson The young man gathered up his scattered newspaper sections and sat back with a smug expression.

And froze.

She must be saying something, Steve thought with a chortle, but I don't see her lips moving. Thought with a chortle” bothers me. Suggest: Steve chortled. He didn’t see her lips moving, but she must be saying something.  She flipped her note pad closed, stuffed the pen in the coils and bent to slide it back into the side pocket, then zipped it shut. Now that was proper use of diverting action, approved Steve. The young operative slowly opened his paper.

Steve waited until they were walking back through the parking lot.

"Well, what did she say to you?"

The smart young man Johnson missed a step. Would he really miss a step? He should be cooler than that, even as a novice.  "Uh...how did you...? Un... She said she wished she had a balloon to pop to see if I would dive under the furniture. She said..uh...that fit young men in nice suits and short hair do not drop old newspapers, and that I stuck out like a sore thumb... And...uh...she called me a 'silly bugger.'"

Steve smiled.

"She also said," the young man continued, "to say hello to Inspector Gadget."

Steve frowned.

She boarded her flight with a minimum of hassle, just as Steve had promised, and found she had a window seat. She wished Steve had just the information faxed or couriered as he usually did. Or simply have it handed to her direct with a "Hi. This is for you. Steve sent it." Let him test his new boys' techniques on someone else next time. She had felt silly back there.

B’s writing is clean, with nice touches here and there (“walked like a warrior”), though there were some redundancies. It’s good technique to use one character’s pov, in this case Steve’s, to characterize another. And the airport scene had entertainment value as we watched a pro make a fool of a smug novice.

B had many promising plot elements and a potentially interesting character. But she has done what many novice novelists do--one writer calls it “throat-clearing”--giving a lot of information through exposition that the author feels the reader needs to know instead of hooking the reader with action and “trouble in River City,” to quote from The Music Man. The key to a strong opening is THINGS HAPPEN. In the 10 pages of this first chapter, all that really happens is that a man gives a woman a note and the woman does some work on an airplane.

As for “sufficiently entertaining to invite a request,” in my opinion, this is not, for reasons that include:

• No real conflict in these pages. No serious jeopardy for anyone, or the promise of it.
• The only story question raised is “who is the woman?” I didn’t feel that was enough.
• This is supposed to be suspense (has spies), but the first two pages don’t give a hint as to a dramatic story, and two pages may be all you get with an agent or her assistant.
• The rest of the chapter, which you haven’t seen, was primarily exposition and backstory while the protagonist sat on a plane. I felt that the lack of action and/or conflict resulted in a lack of tension that did not add up to the “compelling” that is needed to provoke a request for more material.

I think B needs to look to her later narrative for a gripping opening—the clues are obvious: action; conflict; questions being raised right and left. The exposition and backstory can be woven in after she gets the story running.

Thanks, B, for sharing your work. I hope this has helped you.

For what it’s worth.

Ray

Free edit in exchange for posting permission. You send a sample that you have questions about and of which you'd like an edit. I won't post it without your permission.

Comments

[Tiarella]

I like the dynamics of Steve as straight man and the woman as an irreverant, clever agent. The introduction is intriguing.