What's the weakness in my novel's opening?

When I started Flogging the Quill I had no idea that the biggest benefit would be the help I've received from readers. It started a couple of months ago when I asked for critiques on the first chapter of my novel, We the Enemy. Reader insights helped me rewrite the chapter. I felt it was much improved.

But something nagged at me. I felt the opening of the novel fell short, but couldn't see why. Time for fresh eyes -- I put the first four chapters online and asked for critiques. I got some good stuff and have done a fairly significant rewrite (which, interestingly enough, got me back to almost exactly the original opening, which had become the third chapter).

Just as the input was instructional for me, it could be for you, too, so I'm posting it. I'm letting the rewrite chill for a few days but, if I continue to like it, I'll link to that later. If you haven't read the chapters in question, they are posted here.

From Matt: Assuming that the efforts by President Grant and Kurt are the events that drive the action of the novel, I don't see how you can put chapter one later in the book. Having said that, I was more interested in Jake's story. By the end of chapter 1 I don't sense that the problem of the Alliance is significant enough for the president, or for Kurt. These men must face organized political opposition all the time. With a 3-vote electoral college margin, the President had to expect that opposition to his re-election would be a problem. So how is the Alliance any different than past political obstacles? Now if the Alliance was threatening what was previously a very significant electoral college win (and the President was feeling comfortable that re-election was not going to be a problem and now the Alliance in a few short years has emerged as a real threat to what was a seemingly insurmountable majority) then maybe the tension is higher.

Also the threat to Kurt's desires is weak. "Now it's a lot like work" doesn't make me think that the consequences for Kurt are great. If Kurt is seeing very dramatic drop off in membership and dues so that the existence (or influence) of the NRA was significantly at risk this would also. The bullet from the militia guy is threatening but I was troubled with why not send the bullet to the Alliance leadership directly?

So, coming out of chapter 1, I see what the problem is, but I don't feel the problem is big. Then I get into Jake's chapter and I am hooked by the immediacy of his pain and I am sucked into his story. I would keep reading to find out about Jake, but maybe not so much to find out about the President/Kurt. If Jake is to be the central character in the book then start with him, and have the Atty. General's call wake him and then get into the Presidential plot (or have Jake slowly uncover the plot as the story progresses). If Jake is not the primary protagonist, you may want to introduce him a little later, and spend more time establishing the "Big Problem".

I hope this is helpful. It has certainly helped me think about story structure. You are very brave to put work out for public comment. Thanks.

Several people commented that I was "brave" to expose myself to comment. Hmm. Does that say something about how they feel about critiques? For me, bravery isn't involved because it's not about me but about words on paper.

From Kate: This looks to be an engaging thriller with some fascinating characters -- the kind that have some depth to them. You're off to a rousing start.

I think you need chapter one for two reasons. First, it provides a frame for the rest of the story -- a big picture overview that helps me understand later chapters. And, secondly, people simply LIKE reading well -- written scenes that feature power figures, especially when the power figures are contemplating dirty deeds. So I'd leave it. But it's too long, and some of the mystery of a powerful man is lost when we dwell on him too long. I see your chapter one as being quite short -- even something like a prologue. I believe you can drop some of the stuff about the Alliance -- work that in later. Love the bit about stomping on the flower bed. Very well done.

I am more worried about the chapter on Jake Black. It's short on action (not good in a thriller) and therefore somewhat short on tension. I am not very interested in a drunk guy, even if he has ghosts that cause him to drink. Let me care about him first (if you intend for me to care) and then give me his ghosts. I'd be really wary of putting a dream in, especially so early. Some people think that's deadly. Is there a way to move the later section that features Jake up here? That one is excellent and full of tension.

From Robin: Good job. You've created strong, memorable characters and you have a nice feel for settings. You've intrigued me without teasing too much.

As far as starting with Chapter 2 instead of Chapter 1 - my first instinct was that you shouldn't do it.

I really liked this paragraph from the beginning of Chapter 2, though:

"His picture window, blinded by the night, portrays a black void where Lake Michigan sloshes far below. Nearby high rises and ant trails of car lights on Lake Shore Drive add random glitter. The view costs extra, but it's a waste; nothing much touches him these days."

Nicely done. I just don't know if it's as powerful as starting out in the rose garden with the president. All things presidential seem to evoke strong emotions in most of us, I think. Plus, having your character talk to the president as a friend gives the reader an additional vicarious thrill. I'm afraid that starting with the description of the Tagger phenomena, and then the dream about the shooting of Black's wife might almost smack of gimmicky or sensationalist for some readers. (It can be a thin line, can't it?) I'm not saying the scenes are too sensationalist to have in the book, I'm just saying that my first instinct was not to knock the reader over the head with them right away. The chapter about the president sets up the story, and it also sets up trust in you as a writer. It's like the difference between drinking too much at a fancy restaurant and drinking too much in a back alley. When you put your fancy clothes on first and have candles on the table - it just doesn't seem as bad for some reason. Chapter 1 puts us in the fine restaurant - Chapter 2 serves us the second bottle of wine. We feel safe enough to have a little too much. I hope that makes sense.

Now I'm going to ruin it by saying that after I let it all stew for a while, I wasn't as sure. Maybe we have to start with a bang. I tried glancing at both openings as I would in the bookstore - and it was the second chapter that grabbed me better. Maybe that trumps all.

From anonymous: I think you might be wise to swap 'round your opening chapters, as you suggest.

I noticed that chapter one has lots of verbs like "stops", "ambles", etc. It reads "slower" than chapter one. I liked the ending: the president snipping off the rosebud. Perhaps you could increase the conflict by having a thorn scratch Kurt?

Chapter two seems to start more immediately with a conflict and throws the reader straight into the action.

I loved this from chapter four:

…she sees Murphy. He's like a big, round boulder parting a stream of girly secretaries cramming in a buzz of noontime shopping…

From Diana: Drop one is my opinion. C2 hooked me in immediately and set a scene -- and the following chapters seem to move better (more in sync).

From Sandra: I was surprised you were thinking of moving things around because the ms is already out there on submission. (Yeah, but maybe there's a reason it hasn't grabbed an editor yet, so why not keep pushing? Hey, this blog is about Flogging the Quill.))

Structurally, chapter 1 is set-up. You're setting the stage and the stakes. But there's no dangerous action or escalating tension in the scene, just the promised drama of "whatever it takes."

Chapter 2 introduces Jake, but not in a positive way -- he's drinking heavily, perhaps wallowing in his grief. The dream sequence is interesting, but if we don't really know Jake, are we interested in his dreams? Jake's not in any kind of danger, he's not facing any immediate conflict. His problem at the end of the chapter is that he doesn't want to wear a suit.

Chapter 3 is all about Marion and Bobby, and more set-up. It was about now that I wondered really, whose novel this is, because we've had four points of view in three chapters.

Chapter 4 is where the drama is! It's got Jewel (a fifth POV) and drugs and street crazies and Jake as the enigmatic hero. I have some plausibility questions -- it seemed to me that Jewel would be smarter than to troll around in dangerous neighborhoods (and I thought she was in a good one), and I'm not sure that she would dash after Jake at the end to tell him thanks. She's just been almost raped, there's been gunfire, get yourself to safety. I don't think pedestrians would ignore a woman in the gutter, even in this world you've set up, because human nature loves to watch a train wreck.

So, anyway, structurally, that's how I see these chapters. If you agree, where would you advise yourself to start? I don't know if the whole novel is set up as these rotating POV's, but I want to follow Jake and Jewel and perhaps Marion, not the others. You could cut chapter 1 to a 2 page prologue, cut to chapter 2 with Jake waking up from his nightmare, cut to Jewel, and then deal with Marion and Bobby (perhaps) when Jake actually enters the hotel. But that's just an idea.

Many thanks to each of you -- each crit helped free me from my blinders. The input that opened my eyes the most? The last one. Next post: what I did with all this.

Ray