I've been dissecting the narratives of both published and unpublished writers for a while now, and I though it would be instructive for both of us to turn the tables on me. So I'm going to post segments from We the Enemy, a novel of mine that's currently being shopped by my agent. As I write, it is somewhere in the offices of editors at Penguin and Random House, awaiting rejection (I'm a realist: I expect disappointment but prepare for success.)
So, please, read through the following and then send me your
comments, critiques, reactions, etc. I'll post them, and then move on
to more. If your interest holds up, we may go through the first 4
chapters
Most of us encounter books after reading a blurb of some kind that gives us a clue as to what the book is about. Here's one for We the Enemy:
What if the President of the United States is so fixated on winning re-election that he will stop at nothing to remain in the White House? What if he hires Jake Black, a former CIA operative who is now a deadly gun for hire, to stop his political adversary? What if he kills a citizen movement that may be America's hope?
We the Enemy is a story of vision and scope told in the style of a thriller, and it delivers on a premise that touches each of us
-- how can we prosper in this troubled world?
I'm interested in feedback on the narrative, of course, but especially on the storytelling part
Chapter 1
When the call came a week before their regular get-together, all the gravelly voice of the most powerful man on the planet had said was, "We got bidness." Meaning trouble…but what kind of trouble?
The scent of the roses all around Karl Dengler tickles his nose and triggers a sneeze.
The President says, "Bless you."
"Thank you, Mr. President." Karl sniffles and fights off another sneeze. The spring sun has the damned tulips and roses in the Rose Garden blooming like crazy, and the pollen makes him nuts. Why couldn't they talk in the Oval Office with all that nice air conditioning? But when the big guy says take a walk, you ask which way.
The President chuckles. "Remember when one of your sneezes scared that buck away." He gazes into the distance, and regret tinges his voice. "That old fellow had a twelve-point rack, at least."
It's Karl's turn to laugh. "Well, you did get an animal that trip, though." He'll never forget the expression on Leo's face when they heard a strangled "moo" just before his target crashed to the ground.
President Leo Grant looks around as if he fears someone is listening. Which they aren't, which is why, Karl decides, they're in the Garden. Secret Service men are at the four points of the compass, but out of easy hearing range. Still, they make him nervous, not as if he's done something wrong, but as if he's going to. He fishes in a coat pocket and pulls out a mini Tootsie Roll, unwraps it, and pops it into his mouth. A rush of chocolate pleasure eases him. He wads the wrapper and drops it.
The President's gaze follows the wrapper's fall to a lawn that could pass for a carpet, then lifts and nails Karl. Karl hurriedly scoops up the wrapper. He unwraps another Tootsie Roll, pops it into a cheek, and stuffs both wrappers into a pocket.
When's he gonna get to it?
The President pauses by a rosebush covered with yellow-red blooms and snips away exhausted blossoms with a pair of small plant shears. He likes to declare that his visits to the Rose Garden are practice for his retirement. He scowls. "The Allies are killin' me out West, Karl."
Ah-ha. "They're hurting us, too." True believers among Karl's National Rifle Association membership are holding fast, as rabid as ever, but the more it looks like Oregon's crazy way of getting rid of guns is working, the more the President loses the loyalty of rational gun owners and hunters. And that's costing votes.
The President ambles on, heading for a living bouquet of red roses. "The way the polls are going, I could lose at least one of the western states this time around. Maybe two."
Karl gives the President a startled glance. Since he'd squeaked by on two questionable electoral votes in his first run for the White House, this was seriously bad news.
At the red rosebush, the President stoops to prune away a dead stem. "And it looks like a sure thing the Allies will elect Independents to the Senate and the House. Those people won't vote our way. Ever."
With congress split just about down the middle, same as the nation, is Leo talking about losing one of the houses? Both of them?
The President levels his gaze at Karl. "I fear, Karl. I fear what will happen to this country in the hands of the opposition."
Not to mention the amount of money to be lost. Karl offers a smile he doesn't mean and says, "We'll get 'em, sir."
The President drills him with a "you idiot" look. He says, "Get 'em with what? We've got no decent dirt on the Allies, and I can tell you we've dug. We don't have enough money to invade somewhere and stir things up, Iraq's stuck to our neck like a vampire bat, the economy's in the toilet and the deficit's about to flush it."
"Won't the last tax cut…?"
"Oh, I'm sure it'll pull us out, no doubt about it. Trouble is, that happening before the elections has all the chance of a bug headed for a windshield."
Karl doesn't have any answers to offer. Ever since the rest of the world turned its back on America, things have been a struggle. Who knew we needed them that much?
The President levels his gaze at Karl. Like always, Karl feels small before the intelligence and drive his old friend projects. The President says, "We need to damage the Allies, Karl. And I want you to make sure we do."
How? "Uh, I'm already going after them in the courts." He doesn't want to say that his NRA lawyers think they'll lose.
Snipping away old blooms, the President says, "I've told Marion Smith-Taylor I want her to help a couple of friends who are being harassed by the Allies." He settles his gaze on Karl again. "She's got her own issues with them but, to my regret, I can't be sure she will do everything that's, ah, necessary. I want you along to make sure the problem gets solved."
A shiver ripples through Karl. The President wants him to ride herd on the Attorney General of the United States? He's got no leverage on the woman; she's too damned honest. Sounds impossible, but you don't say no to the commander-in-chief. "You said a couple of friends?"
More anon. If you feel there are things that need work, let me know. If you think it works well, let me know that, too. While there's much more to come, these first pages are key.
I look forward to hearing from you.
RR
Free edit in exchange for posting permission. You send a sample that you have questions about and of which you'd like an edit. I won't post it without your permission.
Tip Jar: visitors have asked for a way to lay a dime or two on me and, I'll confess, it would be helpful. So if you want to chip in, click here. And many thanks.
© 2005 Ray Rhamey
We got bidness??? I can't imagine the president of the United States uttering that sentence. Not even Bush. I don't care who he is, if he's the president, he's too well educated and too well trained as a speaker to let his hair down like that. Not even as a joke. The first paragraph then goes on to *tell* me there's trouble on the way, then ends with teaser, a question designed to keep me reading.
The dialogue that follows doesn't really answer the question. It sounds like the conversation you'd hear from any number of politicians worried about the next election.
I'm sure there's conflict or interesting revelations on the horizon. Why not move them up to the beginning of the story? For me, the opening is a little awkward--I don't know if the scene actually shifts after the opening paragraph, but there's deffinately a shift in mood (and tense). In any case, it's distracting.
As you say, just my opinion.
Posted by: John | April 14, 2005 at 04:06 PM
Ray, my comments are in italics, running along with your story (they also have an asterisk in front of them in case the formatting doesn't come through). Feel free to post (or not) any of this.
Opening thoughts: Good mix of dialogue, interior monologue, and straight narrative. Good sense of scene and behind-the-scenes (I can imagine I'm there). My work is not as good in those ways.
* * *
Chapter 1
When the call came a week before their regular get-together, all the gravelly voice of the most powerful man on the planet had said was, "We got bidness." Meaning trouble…but what kind of trouble?
*Two things: I’d change the pronoun in the first sentence from “their” to “our” (it keeps the POV in Karl’s court instead of omniscient). “The most powerful man on the planet” is clichéd if it refers to the president. The opener has more suspense if the phrase is eliminated.
The scent of the roses all around Karl Dengler tickles his nose and triggers a sneeze.
*We need a time-shift tag here like (Now, six hours later…) to indicate the opening paragraph took place in Karl’s mind.
The President says, "Bless you."
*I'd go with "Leo Grant" instead of "The President." It pays off better with the next line, especially if you cut the "most powerful man" in the opener (otherwise change Mr. P. to "sir" in Karl's response).
"Thank you, Mr. President." Karl sniffles and fights off another sneeze. The spring sun has the damned tulips and roses in the Rose Garden blooming like crazy, and the pollen makes him nuts. Why couldn't they talk in the Oval Office with all that nice air conditioning? But when the big guy says take a walk, you ask which way.
*I don’t know if it’s truly a problem, but the first sneeze is triggered by a smell, now by pollen. Another thing I don’t know: When do the tulips and roses bloom in D.C.? Would it be warm enough at that point in spring for the a/c to be on? “Climate-control” might work better here.
The President chuckles. "Remember when one of your sneezes scared that buck away." He gazes into the distance, and regret tinges his voice. "That old fellow had a twelve-point rack, at least."
It's Karl's turn to laugh. "Well, you did get an animal that trip, though." He'll never forget the expression on Leo's face when they heard a strangled "moo" just before his target crashed to the ground.
*I love it!
President Leo Grant looks around as if he fears someone is listening. Which they aren't, which is why, Karl decides, they're in the Garden. Secret Service men are at the four points of the compass, but out of easy hearing range. Still, they make him nervous, not as if he's done something wrong, but as if he's going to. He fishes in a coat pocket and pulls out a mini Tootsie Roll, unwraps it, and pops it into his mouth. A rush of chocolate pleasure eases him. He wads the wrapper and drops it.
*I’d put a period after “Which they aren’t.” I’d also put Karl’s name in “Still they make [Karl] nervous…” The first time I read it through I linked the president’s “fears someone is listening” with “they make him nervous” and had to reread to make sure you hadn’t switched POVs. Is the “as if he’s going to” phrase supposed to make us mistrust Karl? If yes, keep it, otherwise give us an example of what Karl could do to make himself nervous (breach protocol and slap the president on the back, which the sec-serv guys could misinterpret as a hostile action, for instance).
*"Chocolate pleasure" sounds awkward (and out of context sounds naughty or like a 70s funk band or both)
The President's gaze follows the wrapper's fall to a lawn that could pass for a carpet, then lifts and nails Karl. Karl hurriedly scoops up the wrapper. He unwraps another Tootsie Roll, pops it into a cheek, and stuffs both wrappers into a pocket.
When's he gonna get to it?
The President pauses by a rosebush covered with yellow-red blooms and snips away exhausted blossoms with a pair of small plant shears. He likes to declare that his visits to the Rose Garden are practice for his retirement. He scowls. "The Allies are killin' me out West, Karl."
*Is a president who’s hoping for a second term going to even joke about retirement?
Ah-ha. "They're hurting us, too." True believers among Karl's National Rifle Association membership are holding fast, as rabid as ever, but the more it looks like Oregon's crazy way of getting rid of guns is working, the more the President loses the loyalty of rational gun owners and hunters. And that's costing votes.
*That’s one heck of a long sentence there. Is this too many open threads at once? Who are the Allies? What’s Oregon’s crazy gun control? If you don’t already have a prologue, perhaps one of these could be introduced dramatically there. That would make for a more active opening and this leisurely pacing a break from the intensity. “Rational” doesn’t sound like the way the NRA would characterize members who are leaving the organization.
The President ambles on, heading for a living bouquet of red roses. "The way the polls are going, I could lose at least one of the western states this time around. Maybe two."
*This suggests gun-control is the single issue that could turn red states blue in the west - or that the coastal states have gone Republican and are switching back. Either way, it doesn’t feel persuasive to me.
Karl gives the President a startled glance. Since he'd squeaked by on two questionable electoral votes in his first run for the White House, this was seriously bad news.
*Is Karl going to use the adjective “questionable”? A win’s a win from the winner's perspective. Squeaking is okay, though.
At the red rosebush, the President stoops to prune away a dead stem. "And it looks like a sure thing the Allies will elect Independents to the Senate and the House. Those people won't vote our way. Ever."
*If the Allies/Independents are not ever going to vote Republican, how are they any different than Democrats? How are the Allies going to drain enough votes from the left and right to be viable in a statewide election offering something different from the left and right, but only and always delivering for the left? Why wouldn’t the voters simply vote for the Democrat? Make sure you have your poly-sci down here (I’m not suggesting you don’t; I don’t know enough to know if you’ve made a reasonable proposition here or not).
With congress split just about down the middle, same as the nation, is Leo talking about losing one of the houses? Both of them?
The President levels his gaze at Karl. "I fear, Karl. I fear what will happen to this country in the hands of the opposition."
*The more I see the words “president” and “Karl” together the more I think of Karl Rove. Is that intentional on your part? Does it produce an unintended result that works for you? If not, I’d avoid it. If so, change the “K” to a “C” to at least be halfway subtle.
Not to mention the amount of money to be lost. Karl offers a smile he doesn't mean and says, "We'll get 'em, sir."
The President drills him with a "you idiot" look. He says, "Get 'em with what? We've got no decent dirt on the Allies, and I can tell you we've dug. We don't have enough money to invade somewhere and stir things up, Iraq's stuck to our neck like a vampire bat, the economy's in the toilet and the deficit's about to flush it."
*I like the "'you idiot' look" bit, but it makes me sympathize with Leo. Is that the reaction you want, given your synopsis? "Invade somewhere" sounds like you're editorializing, esp. with Iraq mentioned in the next sentence. Everything that follows the word "dug" has nothing to do with "getting" the allies. Consider Leo bemoaning the fact that he can't energize his base to overcome the Allies' influence, then list reasons.
"Won't the last tax cut…?"
"Oh, I'm sure it'll pull us out, no doubt about it. Trouble is, that happening before the elections has all the chance of a bug headed for a windshield."
Karl doesn't have any answers to offer. Ever since the rest of the world turned its back on America, things have been a struggle. Who knew we needed them that much?
*That last sentence feels like editorializing, too.
The President levels his gaze at Karl. Like always, Karl feels small before the intelligence and drive his old friend projects. The President says, "We need to damage the Allies, Karl. And I want you to make sure we do."
How? "Uh, I'm already going after them in the courts." He doesn't want to say that his NRA lawyers think they'll lose.
Snipping away old blooms, the President says, "I've told Marion Smith-Taylor I want her to help a couple of friends who are being harassed by the Allies." He settles his gaze on Karl again. "She's got her own issues with them but, to my regret, I can't be sure she will do everything that's, ah, necessary. I want you along to make sure the problem gets solved."
*Consider "shall we say" instead of "ah." The "ah" can make him sound uncertain, instead of intentionally searching for the properly nuanced word. Eliminating the "ah" and italicizing the word "necessary" can also produce the effect I think you're looking for here.
A shiver ripples through Karl. The President wants him to ride herd on the Attorney General of the United States? He's got no leverage on the woman; she's too damned honest. Sounds impossible, but you don't say no to the commander-in-chief. "You said a couple of friends?"
* * *
I’m not feeling the pressure of the opening? We have Republicans behaving like Republicans, which is about as exciting as Democrats behaving like Democrats. The president is worried about a second term; seems natural enough. We have a couple intriguing questions, but no suspense.
A few times you have Karl expressing thoughts from a left-leaning POV, so be careful of that. If you are left-leaning yourself, have a right-leaning friend review these things for you.
Unless I’m misreading things, your synopsis seems to carry a leftward, demonize-the-right agenda. The agenda’s not a problem, but the handling here in the opening seems inconsistent. Leo and Karl seem like nice enough guys (unless you’re a cow). If Leo is a baddy, then we should have a sense of him slithering through the rose garden, not ambling and caring about litter.
Another problem has to do with why I should care? I have a twisted president, a gun lobbyist, and, based on your synopsis, an assassin who’s shooting (literally) to destroy the country. I have three people to root against, but no one to root for or empathize with. Introduce your hero before we get to this point (or increase the tension here).
Start with a pressure-cooker; either this chapter with Leo angry from the get-go, or with another (or prologue) showing your hero in and/or overcoming danger.
The question "would I keep reading?"
If I were a Democrat who wanted to read a story skewering W: I might.
If I were a Republican and interpreted your synopsis the way I have: no.
If I were a Republican and your synopsis had more to do with the hit-man's conscience struggling as his employer descended into madness (not starting with madness, though): I might if I felt you were giving the Right a fair shake (based on your "invade somewhere" bit, I wouldn't feel you were treating the Right fairly, though - If I knew more about the Allies, however, that could change).
If I were in the middle (or a moderate of either party) looking for a good thriller: probably no, the opening's just not fast enough.
If I were a centrist/moderate and it were a work of political intrigue instead of thriller (and Leo wasn't set up as a straw man): possibly.
(So you know, I'm a moderate Republican from Oregon who would favor sensible gun control laws and an honest AGotUS; the last 4 answers to "would I keep reading" are the way I'd lean; not being a Democrat I can't give you a better answer on the first possibility.)
Posted by: Chris | April 16, 2005 at 10:11 AM
"The President's gaze follows the wrapper's fall to a lawn that could pass for a carpet, then lifts and nails Karl."
The "lifts and nails Karl" part had me confused, I think because "The President's gaze" is so far away in the sentence. You might just leave the whole sentence out. If the point is to establish the President's authoritative position, I think you've got that with him "leveling his gaze", "drills him with you-idiot look", and causing "a shiver" to ripple through him. Otherwise, good work.
Posted by: Marie | April 16, 2005 at 03:40 PM
Disclaimer: You did ask for feedback.
Disclaimer, the Second: I am now preparing to wade through God only knows how many submissions for a winner-take-all writing competition (the previous iterations of said effort total over 75,000 submissions, so maybe I'm getting burned out on this process), and based on what I have read in the past my tastes, demands, and expectations continue to evolve and mature, meaning I want something that not only jumps off the page at me, and grabs my throat, but lower, and hangs on until the phrase 'The End.'
So the short of the long is thus: If I were a reader, or even an editor, and that manuscript came to me with or without prior notification I would have to pass, simply because there is nothing to gain my attention, to hold my attention.
Let the beating begin.
Posted by: James C. Hess | April 16, 2005 at 04:38 PM
I like the characterization (the president's accent basically works for me), but I would work on the rhythm of the background info, the viewpoint, and some other small issues.
To get the small issues out of the way: first, I dislike the present tense. While I get used to it as paragraphs pass, it's a stumbling block for me at the beginning. Second, the names threw me. If I see Karl as a presidential advisor, I assume Rove, and then I'm confused by how fictionalized this world is supposed to be. I also have the West Wing Leo association mentioned above. Both of these would be easier for me if Karl's and Leo's last names were more prominent, but even so again they're a stumbling block. Third, how did he have two questionable Electoral College votes? Every state has at least three, and if you're taking advantage of Maine and Nebraska being weird you'd have to say so. See http://www.thegreenpapers.com/G04/ElectorAllocation.phtml. The interesting swing states at present aren't that small either. I'd change it to squeaking by in Ohio, say, with disputed results.
Now as for the info-dropping. I don't get a clear sense at all of who the Allies are. They're not related to WW2, which would be my first guess (again a stumbling block). They've apparently taken over Oregon and done something weird about guns, but they're not a political party, even though the blurb suggests they're a "citizen movement". Really they sound like a cult. I haven't yet gotten the sense that they're an interesting threat. You're working in an imagined future, so you might want to take a look at science fiction world-building advice. In this case it's near future, so you have to be able to quickly tell the reader both what's different from our world and what's the same. The bit about losing one or both houses of Congress is particularly helpful in this case, as it suggests the political equation is about the same between Republicans and Democrats as today. A mention of a political party name would help ground it further - it's easy to assume these people are Republicans, but you haven't actually said it.
Finally viewpoint. This appears to be basically from Karl's viewpoint, but the views expressed aren't his. The comment above about having a right-leaning friend take a look is smart. Every time Karl thinks a rhetorical question, I stop believing it's him talking (i.e. "Who knew we needed them that much?"). I can't buy into a story where the author's opinions overwhelm the characters', even when the characters who don't agree with the author. There's a piece of writing wisdom, "The villain thinks he's the hero", that you use once ("I fear what will happen to this country in the hands of the opposition."), but it needs to be used consistently. I wonder if you're starting with the wrong characters? Starting with someone you sympathize with might make it easier to later give your villains their due.
Overall, I haven't put the book down yet because I want to know who the Allies are, but you haven't grabbed me. The viewpoint bugs me the most. I have some sympathy for Karl (I'd have more if I didn't keep bouncing out of his head). I'm curious to meet the honest Attorney General (oh, and thanks for having one female character in the first few pages, since all-male casts quickly irritate me - speaking of which, why are all the Secret Service agents male? or is that just Karl's assumption?). Basically at this point I'm looking for a hero. Maybe in the next excerpt?
Posted by: Jade | April 19, 2005 at 06:29 PM
i like it
Posted by: Jeffrey Russel | July 17, 2005 at 06:44 PM