Edit: what would you do?--Part 3

A writer named Chris sent a thoughtful critique of the sample from Mike's novel posted in  Parts 1 & 2. If you haven't read them, the following isn't going to work for you. Scroll down for the long sample being discussed. There will be a Part 4 with another set of critique inputs (thanks to all, no need to send any more), and Part 5 will get into my take on the work.

Once more you'll see the subjective ways in which a reader perceives a narrative. Chris writes:

There's real potential here. I like the opening vignette; Metro buses are a nice touch (as opposed to Muni (SF) or Tri-Met (Portland)), some street names or landmarks would also add character to the city. The flashback is very visually oriented, a plus in that I have a good sense of seeing things, but insofar as I can't smell or feel or hear much, I'm distanced from the events.

There are a number of dropped words here and there that can be caught by reading the story aloud (better yet, having someone else read the story aloud). They need to be fixed, but I haven't called attention to them below.

A synopsis of back-cover blurb would let me know where the story's going. My observations below overlook the fact I'm reading blind (akin to blind dating). It wouldn't hurt to get to some juicy action sooner, but not knowing entirely where the story's headed I've limited my comments in this area.

Ah, Chris, you have touched upon what I think is likely a terminal flaw in the way this narrative opens. But I'll get to that in Part 5.

Bear in mind that a critical eye is not necessarily a reader's eye. When you look for problems you tend to find them, when you look to enjoy something it's easier to achieve that outcome. Average/casual readers probably won't be bothered by a lot of the following:

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Tighten up the metaphor in the first sentence. Right now it shifts from a knife to a whitewater river to a thief. Any would work, but all three ... too much. The reference to thermal equilibrium at the end of the sentence breaks the mood of the poetic metaphor in the opening. The paragraph can be cut altogether to start with a juicy moment.

The mixed metaphors bothered me, too.

3 Feb 1973 was a Saturday. Yes, I looked it up. I'm petty that way. The year at the end of the sentence feels awkward, tacked on. Consider conveying information that took place at the end of Jan '73 to fill in the year (Infoplease.com lists Supreme Court rules on Roe v. Wade (Jan. 22) and Vietnam War ends with signing of peace pacts (Jan. 27); both strong possibilites; don't mention RvW being on the cover of Woman's Day unless it actually was). A Watergate timeline might also have some good details.

This is a good notion on how to make an otherwise sterile date meaningful.

"...the downtown stirred with the reluctance of a Monday morning." This sounds metaphorical, but turns out not to be. Intentional?

"...black clouds of diesel soot that were hammered to the pavement by the rain." A nice image except that it neglects the presence of the wind. The two, rain and wind, need to work together, slashing at the clouds, for instance, to continue your opening knife metaphor.

"...bumper-to-bumper like a circus train..." A whimsical metaphor; is the whimsy intentional? Consider "freight train."

"vomiting cockroaches"?! A jarring metaphor, although if I had swallowed a roach I'd vomit, too.

Bull's moist eyes are potentially stereotyped (insofar as they evoke the "crying Indian" of PSA fame), not entirely a problem given his name, but can their moistness be appreciated in the driving rain?

Bull's nose is "alert" when he opens the lid of the dumpster. Are bacterial processes halted by the cold for approximately 36 hours? I'm asking; I don't know. But by calling attention to his sense of smell, it seems odd that his eyes carry the message that something's wrong here rather than his nose.

Good point. And, no, things would have been pretty ripe, I suspect, when the Dumpster was opened.

If the victim's eyes are open, why does Custer think he's asleep?

Another excellent catch of a staging problem.

"It was a soft, pleasant face..." I'd start with "Hers" or "Grandma's"; "It" is too distant from both the narrator and his grandmother.

"Apparently" is used several times ("I apparently lived with my aunt..." and "My mother died when, apparently drunk..."). Unless appearances are deceiving, you can leave the word out.

"...watching the milk [backflow] into the depression[s] in the gruel." "Gruel" sounds like it's being used so the word "oatmeal" won't be used a third time in the paragraph. Unless the narrator has issues with oatmeal and wants it to bear the negative connotations of gruel, simply end the sentence with "depressions."

When the man gets out of the station wagon he's described with brown pants, brown shoes, and a plaid shirt. Is the plaid shades of brown or blue? Color coordination says one thing about the man, mismatched colors say something else (consider black shoes to accentuate the mismatch, although a maroon belt would be overboard).

"I wanted to run away, although I didn't know from what, or [where to]." Parallel structure/good grammar here deadens the panic; ending the sentence with a preposition sounds more natural.

The flashback is too long. The opening paragraph suggests that what follows all has to do with Darren McAllister's death. If whatever follows has nothing to do (beyond chronology) with McAllister's death, consider: "I was a year old when my father died. I have no memory of him." The origins of Sledge's name, what happened to the narrator's siblings, details of his final breakfast and lunch, etc., are nicely described, but delay the arrival of the station wagon and whatever follows. If Sledge or the narrator's sibs show up later, add the backstory there.

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As I said, there's good stuff here too, so don't take the criticisms as anything more than things to think about to make the story stronger.

Keep at it!

Thanks, Chris. I'm seeing a consistency in the comments that Mike, the author, should be able to use to tune up his writing. There is care needed with descriptions and staging (i.e. Chris's mention of open eyes contradicting an impression of sleeping). Chris suggests reading aloud to avoid dropped words, but it can also help a writer break through his blindfold and perceive such flaws.

Next post includes two shorter critiques, and then I'll follow with a fairly thorough examination of my own.

Thanks, Chris and all, for your participation. I don't know about you, but I continue to learn from this.

RR

Free edit in exchange for posting permission. You send a sample that you have questions about and of which you'd like an edit. I won't post it without your permission.

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(c) 2005 Ray Rhamey

Comments

[James C. Hess]

A question as response, which may be more appropriately addressed within the confines of my blog, but here goes, all the same: How many people write to the Mind's Eye?

That is, how many people, when writing descriptive fiction, write based on what they see in their imagination?