Edit: a rushed story gets off to a rough start

Jack sent the following sample for a quick editorial look. My reaction is that he clearly has a story in his mind, but that it's not making it to the page. In addition, there are craft things he needs to improve -- specifically, point-of-view, setting the scene, and staging action.

Another shortcoming, for me, is that the opening paragraphs don't create much in the way of tension or raise story questions. Basically, a guy comes into a room, then goes into another room and takes off his shirt, and he has scars from unknown origins.

Please keep in mind that all any editor can offer is opinion that is necessarily subjective -- my cuts, additions, and comments are suggestions, not facts, to be used or discarded by the writer. Things I added are in red and comments are green.

Alex Thompson opens the sliding glass door with care. He steps in and wanders across the morning gallery into the first floor commons. Betty sits by the hearth in a low-back chair made of rough-hewn wood. (Commons of what? A hotel? A ski lodge? A large home? An apartment complex? What is the room like? Who's there? I can't see anything!)

She stands amid the din of the three families gathered around. (Confusing to me -- first she is sitting by the hearth and then standing amidst three families. I guess you mean that she got up from her chair, but you don't show that. Also, you don't tell us that Alex goes to her when he wanders into the area. Also, the families are gathered around what? Betty? The fireplace? Doing what? What time of day is it? What does "families" mean here -- are there kids? Couples? For me there's not enough of a picture to understand what I'm supposed to be "seeing." This feels to me like a case of you seeing the picture clearly but not yet putting it on the page. You need to set the scene so the reader is grounded and can visualize the action in some kind of context.) Brushing away pine needles from Alex's long, thick, dark hair, she sighs. "Your man," Sshe says. (to whom does she say this?) Cindy comes from the kitchen proper and takes Alex by the arm. (I would use this action to open the following paragraph so Cindy's dialogue is connected with her entrance.)

"I see how it is, I get the dirty work," Cindy says, turning with Alex to head into the hall. She shoves him into the wall, leans close to his ear and whispers. (The following dialogue should be part of this paragraph.)

"Bitch, you left us alone with them. (Seemed odd for a woman to call a man a bitch. In my world it would probably be "bastard." And left whom alone with whom? Who is "us?" Who is "them?" The references for the pronouns "us" and "them" are not clear at all. Again, it's in your head, for sure, but not on the page.) Betty was about to crawl out of her skin (cliché). Tell me why I shouldn't have my way with you (cliché) right now!" Her hands start sliding slide down his chest as he watches her face intently.

"You know if you do I'll cancel our trip into Egypt?;(I don't; understand. It sounded like she was offering to make love to "her man." For that he'll punish her?) Maybe that's not enough reason, though. Should I cut your allowance?" Alex says in a low voice as he wrestles (do you mean "wrenches?") from her grip. (The "Alex says in a low voice as he…" construction is a little hard to follow. How about: Alex breaks free and keeps his voice low. "You know that if I do…etc. Also, it feels to like there should be a break between the part about Egypt and the rest. For example: "…trip into Egypt?" He studies her. "Maybe that's…etc." Include in the conversation why wanting to make love to him is something for which she deserves punishment.) He walks on;toward the master bedroom. Cindy blushes, obviously considering the forcefulness of his words (What makes it obvious? What physical cue shows him that it is the forcefulness of his words that she is considering?). (I'm confused about whose point of view I'm in. This piece starts with Alex, so the assumption is that it is his pov. But here we "see" Cindy blush. If we were in Alex's pov, we couldn't do that because he's walking away from her and can't see behind him.)

She follows closely behind him and both (suggest "they" instead of "both") enter the chamber's bath. Alex starts pulling pulls off his jacket, grimacing with each slow movement. "I know," Hhe says, looking at Cindy, who is shaking shakes her head. (Very complicated with her shaking her head and all. I suggest: Alex pulls off his jacket, grimacing with each movement. Cindy shakes her head. He says, "I know…" etc.) "I pushed myself again. Honey, Iit was only a five-hundred-pound; (hyphens added to form compound adjective) log. Two of us got it squared away."

"Baby, I didn't say a thing." She says. Reaching over sShe helps him lift off the chambray shirt with a huge blotting of sweat on it. (This doesn't quite create a picture. What is "huge" in this context? Where is the blot? Only one blot? When I sweat up a shirt, it affects at least four areas -- chest, back, and underarms.) His chest, back, and arms are covered in scars from diligence and rough devil-may-care actions. (We're no longer in his point of view, if we ever were -- he would not be thinking of the scars on his body. Also, what are diligence and devil-may-care actions? Suggest specifics here if the reader is to understand what you're referring to.)

"You do know better, though. We are fine without the farming. That agent of yours called yesterday, told me all about the new book. (With no transition, this sudden turn gave me mental whiplash. Suggest she see something first that motivates her remark.) What's going on in that drawing room?" Sshe says, passing him a washcloth from the shelf. (Double whiplash -- why does she suddenly wonder what's going on in "that drawing room?" What drawing room? There has only been a commons, a hall, a bedroom and bath. I think you need to motivate this last statement as well. Logically, a sound, perhaps people noises [be specific],would prompt such a question.)

The remainder of Jack's sample continued in a similar vein. I felt that he was rushing, packing things in, but not giving enough context to understand what was going on. And the movements and actions of his characters need thought and description. Nor did I have an idea of what the story was about.

To be fair, hints of interesting story questions began to appear after this segment. But, for me, not soon enough. There can be no delay in reaching out to snare your reader's full interest with interesting action or vivid character.

To develop your storytelling craft, Jack, it might help if you sit back, turn your story on, watch the movie and record what happens, especially the pictures so we can see. I don't know if this will help you, but a reader needs to experience the story, not read a report. Experiences come from sights, sounds, smells, feelings, action, dialogue and thoughts. You have a story…and now you have to write and rewrite to acquire the craft and techniques you need to make it come alive in a reader's head.

When I sent Jack the above critique, he responded:

"I thank you, now I must rewrite. I had wondered if I was moving too fast. I see now the reader wants it all."

You bet, Jack, we want it all -- good insight. Now give it to us. Thanks for sharing your work with us, and luck.

RR

Free edit of your novel's opening in exchange for permission to post it. Send 1,000 words or so. I won't post it without your okay.

© 2005 Ray Rhamey

Comments

[Jack]

Thank you, indeed your suggestion. "turn your story on, watch the movie and record what happens, especially the pictures so we can see. I don't know if this will help you, but a reader needs to experience the story, not read a report." Proves useful. Again thanks.