Edit: climactic scene from a fantasy novel

To show what "other eyes" can do for a writer, here's a quick edit of a sample that a writer okayed to post. Things I added are in red and comments are green.

They reached Erin's upper room and Jac closed the door behind them. He turned and bolted it, then grabbed a small chair and propped it against the handle. Erin, moving with purpose and without considering the danger around her, started throwingthrew shawls and blankets over his shoulders.

Jac drew the fabrics close around him and turned in a circle, examining the room. The two windows were closed and shuttered. He looked up and saw at the peaked ceiling, then rushed to pull a rope along the wallthat would shut the smoke dampers at the top.

Erin said, "What is it? What are you doing?"

"I've never seen anything like this," said Jac through chattering teeth. (speaking "through chattering teeth" seems clumsy to my ear, not easy to visualize, though I understand what you're going for. But this may be a time to keep it simple: Jac's teeth chattered.) "I think it needs an opening to flow through. And it seems to be weakening. It weakens with every death it causes. It didn't want to kill me after it heard you scream." He kept walking slowly around the room, watching the walls and windows. (I suggest "paced" instead of "kept walking," and deleting "slowly" as it doesn't add much and adverbs slow the pace)"I think it's only got the strength for one more murder."

Erin stopped and raised her hands to rubbed her arms, suddenly feeling the cold around her. (instead of "feeling," suggest "aware of" or "sensing") One more murder. There were two of them in the room.

They both felt a pain in their ears and the windows bucked against the shutters. ("They both felt" is omniscient pov, I suggest you narrow pov and show with action. Something such as... Erin clamped her hands over her ears at a sudden pain, and saw Jac do the same. The windows bucked...etc.) Jac mumbled something and motioned for her to get down. With the wrench of metal and splintering wood, the shutters from one of the windows ripped apart and the glass shattered. The wreckage pulled away from the windowsill and flew into the darkness. A wind tore through the room and lifted Jac off his feet. Erin stumbled, lurched into a heavy piece of furniture, (this is vague, abstract. Needs specifics for a picture, such as "a massive oaken chest") and then watched as he spun through the air and went out the open hole.

The wind struck quick and fierce but then dropped away. (suggest you delete this. we already know this because you've shown us) Erin ran to the opening and saw Jac hanging from the scraped up stonework. (suggest "scarred" instead of "scraped up") The river lay somefifty feet below and ripples from the falling wreckage glinted in the lights of the palace.

"Get back, milady. Gget back!" Jac's hands were bleedingbled as he hung over the river. He lifted his tired feet and tried to get some purchase against the cold stone of the tower. (if you delete "tired" you will be maintaining her pov with no intrusions. You can also say something such as... Wearily, as if his limbs were leaden, he lifted his feet and tried to get...etc.)

"No!" shouted Erin. "You're so cold you can hardly move. You won't survive a fall into the river." She reached down, grabbed his forearm and tried to pull him back.

Jac looked past her and saw the line of the crenellated roof grow dim. A patch of shadow built itself up like a panther preparing to leap. Erin saw the change in his expression and then felt him grab onto her wrists. "You always wanted to fly, Erin," he said through gritted teeth. (try gritting your teeth and then saying something intelligible. Can't be done. Suggest you delete this.) (I suggest you rework this paragraph to keep things in her point of view. For example, it could go this way: Erin saw a change in his expression and twisted. Above her the line of the crenellated roof grew dim and a patch of shadow built itself up like a panther preparing to leap. (new paragraph) Jac grabbed her wrists. "You always wanted to fly, Erin.")

Jac pulled her out of the window and sent her tumbling through the air. Erin screamed when she felt the shock of sudden weightlessness and couldn't believe what he had just done. (I'd delete the second phrase-while falling I don't think she would think in this way, her mind would be on the fall and the river below. Just didn't feel credible to me. She could have this thought when safe in the water and has time to think.) Her dress billowed and flapped. Her hair wrapped around her face and in that confusion she was terrified. But then she righted herself, her body acting naturally and putting her into a dive, and everything cleared. (maybe "reflexively" instead of "acting naturally and") For a brief flash of time, for one priceless moment that rings in one's mind with crystal clarity, she flew. (suggest "rang in her mind" instead of "rings in one's mind," clearly an authorial intrusion)

She sliced into the deep river and arched her back, surprised that the water felt warmer than the room she'd just been thrown out of. When she broke the surface and shook the droplets from her face, she quickly turned and looked up at her tower. She could see the shadow boiling like a cloud of dark steam against the starry sky. It paused and swayed back and forth.

* * *
(a line break and centered asterisks are a practical way to signal a change in point of view)

Above her,Jac hung below itthe attacker with his feet firmly planted against the wall. He watched it sway and could feel its indecision. "Come on, now," he whispered. "Take the bait."

The shadow reared back and paused again. Jac couldn't feel his fingersanymore but couldn't risk changing his grip, so justhe set his teeth against the pain burning in his arms. (repetition of "couldn't" in this sentence. suggest changing to something like: Jac had no feeling in his fingers, but couldn't ...etc.)(you have him gritting his teeth and clenching his jaws a lot in this brief passage-may be a touch repetitious) He felt his legs cramping up and feared that he would fall before carrying out his plan. It was then that he realized what he was about to do in a detached sort of way, like watching himself from afar. The answer to the question that all soldiers ask popped clearly into his mind. This is the day I'm going to die.

* * *

From below, tTreading water in the lazy current, Erin watched the shadow curl up and shoot itself off the roof straight down at her. At the same instant, Jac pushed off from the wall and stretched out his arms. He was enveloped by the shadow and they both seemed to thrashed and struggled in the night air, before then Jac stopped moving. ("was enveloped by the shadow " is passive: suggest "The shadow enveloped him and they ...etc.") His dimly seen body spun out of control and splashed into the water just a few feet from her.

She watched in disbelief, shocked at what he had done. With an urge to help him she swam forward a stroke or two but then stopped. Chunks of ice started bobbeding to the surface like tombstones in an ancient graveyard. (nice imagery)

I'll do this for others who'll let me post the result.

RR

Comments

[c]

Fabulously interesting stuff you're posting here.

Really interesting to read through the rationales and thought processes that go into editing work.

Thanks a lot.

c

[ken]

First time visitor. Great post. I struggle all of the time with eidting and proofing. Each day I look back at some of my writing and find little errors to edit. Do you have any tips on how to get things "clean" the first time? Thanks.

[Ray Rhamey]

Ken,

If I knew how to get writing "clean" the first time I could sell the secret for a fortune. In my experience, the first time is the start, no more, and not the finish. I rewrite all the time, and find new tweaks all the time, even in stuff that my sharp-eyed critiquers don't see.

The route to "clean," I think, begins with putting distance between yourself and the writing (see my post on that subject in the archives). Then rewrite. There are good books on the subject--see my editing website at http://www.editorrr.com/tools.html.

Second step: find good "other eyes" (I've posted a lot about this.) Ordinary readers might, maybe, possibly have a slim chance of being of some help, but only fellow novelists with a knack for language and storytelling have a shot at truly constructive feedback.

And then, before trying for an agent or a publisher, I've become convinced that even a strong writer needs professional other eyes--an editor. I guarantee a pro will find things that you can't see (see my post on "keyboard grunge and Anne Rice).

That's my take on it, anyway.

Thanks for dropping in and sending a comment.

RR