Dialogue with a writer: Opening her novel

A writer named Sandra asked my take on the opening of her novel. A condensed version of our exchange follows. See what you think.

Sandra: Here's the opening of my science fiction novel. I've had some interest from agents, but no one has taken it on. Any thoughts of yours would be greatly appreciated, and a public post is fine.

If Jodenny Scott spent one more day on the planet Kookaburra she might try to kill herself again. Not funny, she thought, and not true, but the morbid humor helped until she saw Matt Lu exit the Assignments building.

"Don't even bother." Lu shaded his eyes against the morning sun. "No requisitions came in from the cargo ships, the passenger liners don't need any Team Space liaisons and the Survey Wing didn't post any new jobs."

"What about the Aral Sea?" Jodenny asked.

"Leaves today for the Alcheringa. Trapped for another day in paradise, that's us. How's your leg?"

Me: If there's a shortcoming, for me it's the level of jeopardy. I learn that Jodenny needs work and is going to have to spend another day in paradise. Not too threatening. She alludes to a suicide attempt, but jokingly.

For a writer trying to break in, I think an opening has to create escalating tension from the get-go. If there's a problem for the protagonist, the consequences of failure must seem serious enough to compel more reading. I don't see that here...which does not, of course, mean that it doesn't exist. It could be that looking at more of your work would reveal a better starting point.

Sandra: Thank you for the comments! I am wondering how much escalating tension an opening needs--in that you don't want to drop readers into the middle of a scene without establishing who your characters are, their setting, etc, but instead intrigue them enough so that they keep reading. They probably already have an idea of what the book is about from the cover and back blurb, and so the first page is like a seduction--bring them in, keep them interested and reading, don't overwhelm them with attention. I've seen too many stories/novels open with a moment of danger, then pause for three pages of backstory (and that just drives me nuts.) (RR: me too; I froth.) Here's the rest of the first page, just so you can see where it goes.

(How's your leg?) "Ready for a marathon. Your hands?"

He wiggled his repaired fingers for her inspection. "Almost as pretty as my fancy dinner gloves. See you same time tomorrow, eh?"

Lu gave her a jaunty salute and headed off toward the barracks, circling around a miniature sculpture of Wondjina Spheres as he went. With breakfast over and the cadets in class, Alice Training Base's peaceful air was broken only by the hum of DNGO robots cutting the grass on the soccer fields. Beyond the main gate, a eucalyptus forest stretched all the way to the pink and beige sandstone of the MacBride Mountains. Beautiful, all of it, but Jodenny had no time for landscapes and instead went inside the cool, ink-scented lobby of the building behind her.

Before Jodenny could even ask, the ruddy-faced sergeant on duty said, "No, Lieutenant Scott. Yes, I'm sure. Yes, I checked the wires. Yes, I remember you'd be eternally grateful if I called you the moment anything came in. So would Lieutenant Lu, Lieutenant Armstrong, Lieutenant Bell--"

"Quit your blabbering, sailor." Chief Pau came to the counter with an armful of files. "Take these down to Processing and don't lose them. Whatever happened to getting rid of goddamned paperwork?"

As soon as they were alone, Pau leaned over and said, "Thirty minutes ago the Aral Sea put out a priority one call for a supply officer. The requisition is in the commodore's queue."

"Chief, I love you," Jodenny blurted out. She regretted the words immediately, but Pau only grinned.

"Better get over there before everyone else smells blood in the water, Lieutenant."

Me: Yeah, there may be a cover blurb to tease readers to the opening page, but I'm not so sure I agree that you "don't overwhelm them with attention." Did the blurb promise trouble for the main character? Adventure? Conflict? In science fiction, it seems to me that should be the case (hell, in anything, one way or another). Isn't page one the place to deliver on the tension promised on the cover? Why not drop readers into the middle of a scene in a way that establishes the characters and setting at the same time?

Donald Maass says,

"To hold our attention a novel's action needs to compel us to read every word."

Do you think Jodenny's need for a job is all that compelling?

Author/editor/publisher Sol Stein writes,

"The first sentences and first paragraphs of any writing are increasingly important for arousing the restless reader." The goals of an opening paragraph include "to excite the reader's curiosity, preferably about a character or a relationship."

I don't think the words "compel" or "arouse" or "excite" should be taken at any less than face value.

Do you really think wanting a job is sufficiently compelling or exciting to hook a reader (versus needing one--there is no serious consequence in sight if Jodenny doesn't find one)? Is having no job while still a comfortable, untroubled cadet the most peril she faces? Is that the most interesting thing happening in your opening chapter?

This is all truly subjective, and you can take or leave it as you wish. But I have to challenge you--if there's a more exciting, fraught, tension-producing and question-raising opening for your novel than "Jodenny wants a job," why wouldn't you start with that?

Sandra: I think "compelling" doesn't have to mean an immediate, high-stakes problem on page 1. Dennis Lehane's excellent Mystic River begins with 10 pages of establishing a setting, time and friendship between three boys--and only then does a problem intrude, i.e., one of the boys is abducted. Diana Gabaldon's likewise excellent Outlander begins with 20 pages of a woman on a second honeymoon with her husband in the highlands of Scotland, and her most important problem is getting to know her husband again. Only after that does the woman travel into the past. Your quote from Sol Stein indicates getting a reader excited about a "character," not a situation. Stephen King's advice on beginnings is to give a character a want, no matter how small (he says, "even a glass of water") to involve the reader: everyone has wanted something at some time or another (water, a job, etc). (RR: true, but leading to something larger.)

I think a beginning has to do several things: establishing setting, mood, character and situation--all in a way that's, yes, compelling--but not artificial. There may indeed be a more compelling way for me to open my novel and I'll be playing around with that. Great food for thought!

Me: You're right--many things can be compelling. Mystic River takes us to a new world via rich, savory details (chocolate!). I don't deny the appeal. On the other hand, this book was by a published author; I believe the hurdle is higher for newbies. In the subjective land of my particular head, the opening was interesting but by no means compelling.

The Outlander begins with a provocative teaser:

It wasn't a very likely place for disappearances..."

My view: "compelling" means raising questions a reader wants answered. Agents are swamped with well-written proposals-yours has to wrap its fingers around their throats. No seduction. . I don't think they'll know or care enough to wonder how relatively untroubled Jodenny handles joblessness. An agent rejected one of my novels despite liking the story and the writing because, she said, "I could put it down." I landed my current agent because my submission kept him up until 4 o'clock in the morning. The opening from that mss, We the Enemy*...

The gravelly voice of the most powerful man on the planet says, "Bless you."

"Thank you, Mr. President." Karl Dengler sniffles, fights off another sneeze, wishes he had a handkerchief, and then cleans his upper lip with the back of his hand. He wipes it on his slacks; he hardly ever puts a suit on these days, but you don't wear cammos to the White House. The spring sun has the damned tulips and roses in the Rose Garden blooming like crazy, and the pollen makes him nuts. Why couldn't they talk in the Oval Office with all that nice air conditioning? But when the big guy says take a walk, you ask which way.

Karl skims sweat off his forehead with a finger. The sun high overhead is hot, but that's not it--it's the sudden summons. When the President's call had come a week before their regular get-together, all he had said was, "We got bidness." Meaning he's got trouble...but what kind of trouble?

I see setting...characterization...hints of trouble at the highest level of power...and trouble for the pov character looks likely. I think that's what it does. Of course, this is all after-the-fact analysis, and I don't know whether these paragraphs are compelling or not. We'll see, I guess.

It's all a guess, isn't it? Regarding your novel, some agents have shown interest, but no takers, right? All I'm saying is to back away and look at how the first few pages go and ask the tough question--is there a way to make this more compelling? Will the questions raised in my mind about this young woman wanting a job haunt me if I try to stop reading here? Will they compel me to want to keep reading?

Is your narrative truly intriguing as it is? Or can you put it down? I agree that you don't have to have an immediate, high-stakes problem on page one...but if you can, why not?

Thank you, Sandra, for your work and your thoughts, and let me know what you do.

Hey, out there...what do you think?

Next: an executive editor shares his views on "head-hopping."

RR

* We the Enemy is represented by <A HREF="http://www.triadaus.com/">TriadaUS</a>.

Comments

[Tish]

First of all...I love your page, Ray. Truly. Nothing thrills me more as I sit down with my morning coffee than a fresh Flogging the Quill update. Thank you for all you're doing for us!

Secondly, I totally agree with you. Your opening hooked me so much that I am currently worrying about Karl. (I really am) But another difference between the two openings, in my eyes, is that yours brought me so vividly into the character's inner experience before introducing any political trappings, while the other hadn't quite made me feel for Jodenny before laying on successive sci-fi terms...and each acronym or planetary name pulled me out of the experience for just a second. I'm not a sci-fi reader, but maybe unusual names and terms should be sprinkled in sparingly at the start, to allow the reader to sink deeper and deeper into the character's world.

[Laura]

Hi Ray, Interesting conversation with Sandra about her work...and the interjections from Donald Maas and Sol Stein only prove to me that the ills of the publishing world are instilled by the ones who are running it...and running it into the ground by dumbing-down books with "hooks" instead of good story telling...but that's just my opinion, I tend to read more "high-brow" sort of stuff and don't mind investing time in actually reading a book. If I'm too "restless" to read I find something else to do! It is a subjective business, and some books take more than the first page to draw in a reader...I can't wrap my mind around the idea that someone gives up after the first five (a-la Noah Lukeman)...that's attention span problems not poor writing (cut the caffeine maybe, not the novel). I also enjoyed the previous "true grit" post. If anything, your posts keep me on my toes with my writing...and practically paranoid with second guessing myself...Thanks (I think). Ha-ha.

[John]

(First, my credentials for this opinion: none. I am an unpublished novelist, still trying. As a distant, lame secondary right to offer this thought, I'm a Recovering Screenwriter after 25 years (QUIGLEY DOWN UNDER; LITTLE NIKITA; won an Emmy as staff writer-producer of L.A. LAW; QUANTUM LEAP, etc. I now wear the screenwriter's patch.)

But with no credentials in prose writing, naturally, I teach it at the local univ.

I think it is inarguable in today's tough marketplace that not only does a novice novelist's mss. have to start with an INSTANT conflict, and on the first sentence.

Readership has to be EARNED from the first sentence, the first paragraph, the first page, and the first chapter - with agents, editors/publishers, and eventually readers. (How do many of us choose a novel to buy? We scan the opening of the first page - can we then put it down - or not?) The big thing to avoid is that a pro (agent, editor) start to read your mss. page 1, it starts leisurely (like some brand-name/ published authors can do; we can't) so they set it aside to "read later" but never get back to it - other new mss. always are there to try.

The art of the first sentence is VERY important from a craft standpoint and to try to sell the damned thing (to agents, then editors, then readers) in today's high-speed, distracting era. Great first sentences is a skill that needs to be learned and applied without question.

Even some pros still know to instantly START THE STORY, hook us (& they don't have to!)

"Daniel Millikan looked down at the thirteeth corpse." - 1st sentence, PURSUIT, by Thomas Perry. Or " "At six minutes past midnight, Tues.morning, on the way home from a late rehearsal of her new stage show, Tina Evans saw her son, Danny, in a stranger's car. But Danny had been dead more than a year." Opening of THE EYES OF DARKNESS by Dean Koontz.

My own newest effort has this first sentence: "It was the first kidnapping Dan Rockwell had ever tried but in the first five seconds, things seemed to be going swimmingly." Just one amateur novelist's opinion, but I think a giant mistake novices make is to ASSUME READERSHIP. I think it has to be earned from the first sentence, first paragraph, first page, first chapter, etc. Grab the reader by the lapels with your opening and then give 'em the bum's rush throughout the rest of the novel, their feet hardly touching the ground. It's very competitive out there. Start your story instantly.

[Jade]

I read SF. I want to read this, even with my complaints.

"If Jodenny Scott spent one more day on the planet Kookaburra she might try to kill herself again."
First impression: dislike the planet name (well, unless this is humerous SF, in which case great), want to know why she tried to kill herself the first time.

"No requisitions came in from the cargo ships, the passenger liners don't need any Team Space liaisons and the Survey Wing didn't post any new jobs."
Very generic SF terms. No more interesting than just saying "Nothing." Make non-cliched or cut.

"What about the Aral Sea?" Jodenny asked.
"Leaves today for the Alcheringa."
First assumption for "Aral Sea" is it's the place, though from context maybe it's a ship. I wouldn't use the name that way. I'd be much less confused if the ship were the Alcheringa and it were leaving for the Aral Sea.

So far I have character banter, a previous suicide attempt, and a sense that these guys (so far I'm assuming they're sticking together as a team) better get a cool assignment soon or I'll put down the book. You have another 150 words or so to hook me.

Beyond that, I like the DNGOs (too cute!, though they should do something more wild-dog-like than cut grass), but I don't care about any of the dialogue in the second excerpt until Pau passes along his information. (And the repaired fingers make me more interested in Lu as a character than in Jodenny.) Once Jodenny is moving, going somewhere, *then* I want to hear about the background as she goes. Then the bureaucrat can come through and we can see how well Jodenny can act unhurried. Be nice to know why Pau saves the opportunity for her, too.

The Australian background is enough to make me pick up the book. The main character in motion will keep me reading to a chapter break. If she has an interesting problem by then, maybe I'll continue.