I will tell you this about most of the manuscripts I receive from beginning novelists—one of the number one flaws (several tie for first place) is failure to set the scene effectively--or at all. (Acquisition editors and agents, what’s your experience?)
Some are more like radio scripts than novels. Others are simply underdone, probably because the writer puts down a sparse description that evokes the whole picture in his mind but fails to get it in on paper.
In the last post, I had a character named Jimmy traversing a “cluttered room.” My adjective did little to create a picture. At the very least, we should see what the room was cluttered with, i.e.
Jimmy crept across a room cluttered with shrunken heads.
Ooooo. Tell me more. What about the room? Is it dark? Any smells? Sounds? Is anyone else there? What about characterization? I put on Jimmy’s skin and…
He was glad for the dim light of his candle—all those tiny faces staring up at him was entirely too creepy. He set a foot down and winced at a crunch. He froze, listening for sounds of renewed pursuit. But only the scurrying of rats troubled the air, musty with the dust of the dead.
I invented Jimmy’s adventure to illustrate a point, but what about a real example? Here’s the opening paragraph from a narrative I received for a sample edit (thanks to Greg for permission to use this):
Layton and Jean McElvey hung next to each other in a desolate basement, chained and waiting like tormented animals. Heavy shackles dug into their ankles and wrists and the dry air of Colorado taunted and teased their thirst.
Dramatic and interesting--but no more than a vague sense of the place and the people, and this paragraph was the only scene setting done. I wrote the following comment in my edit:
“Desolate” is an abstract word, doesn’t really give an actual “picture.” Are they chained to a wall, or hung from the ceiling/rafters? Are their hands above their heads or not? Do they face the wall or away? Is it dark, or is there a light on? Are there windows that let light in if it’s not? Basically, this is “telling” versus showing. I’ll bet that if you stood in Layton’s shoes and looked out at that basement you could describe what “you” see and feel. I suggest you focus in on Layton’s point of view right from the start. (In hindsight, I wish I’d also mentioned that the adjective “tormented” was a do-nothing stand-in for something that needed to be shown.)
In the sample edit, my comment went on to include a thought-starter for improvement. Offering “a rough look at what I mean,” I wrote (it has been honed a little since then):
Steel manacles bit into Layton McElvey’s wrists as he and his wife Jean hung, chained like animals to the basement wall. Daylight had come again; paled by a single dirty window, it showed their captor’s footprints on the dirt floor. The dry Colorado air taunted Layton’s thirst. He tiptoed in an attempt relieve the torment from his upraised arms and aching shoulders. The only sounds were the clink of his chains and soft moans from Jean. Time crawled. He gazed at dense cobwebs that filled deep shadows between the rafters and wondered if he would ever see another sun set over the mountains.
In addition to enlivening the picture with visuals and sounds, I brought the point of view down from omniscient to close third person. My belief is that in the close pov you can give the same information and gain the benefit of involving readers with the protagonist. I think my suggested changes evoke instant sympathy for Layton McElvey.
A word about the suggestions I make in an edit: I do not tell a writer what to do. Comments like the above serve to exemplify what I think the writer needs to do. What I offer is his to heed or disregard, to adapt, use or lose.
Opening scenes are s-o-o-o-o critical. Sol Stein, in Stein on Writing, writes this of his observations in a bookstore:
“In the fiction section, the most common pattern was for the browser to read the front flap of the book’s jacket and then go to page one. No browser went beyond page three before either taking the book to the cashier or putting the book down and picking up another to sample.”
You must immediately involve the reader in the opening scene of the story and/or the mind of the character. A reader needs to co-experience what’s happening to the protagonist, and to do that the reader has to see the context in which the character is operating. Even in radio, there are sounds and word pictures to pull the listener into the scene.
To write for effect, wedge your head into the skull of your character, look around and set the scene with sights, sounds, smells, thoughts and emotions.
Please let me hear from you. If I can help you with a question about your writing, email me and I’ll apply a beady eye to it. Tell me if I can share it in a post or if you want a “private consultation.”
“Writing for Effect” ™ Ray Rhamey All contents © Ray Rhamey 2004.
I recently finished the first draft of my first novel, and I have been staring at that damn opening scene for days now... it doesn't grab me yet... it doesn't make me want more!
Thank you for this blog post! Hopefully I can take that and apply it to my work...
or maybe I will keep staring at the scene haha!
Posted by: Jamie Harrington | February 28, 2009 at 10:54 PM