Flogging the Quill

Round two on POV: head-hopping

When you use an omniscient point of view, it is appropriate to skillfully move from one character's point of view to another's. The catch is "skillfully." If you're Virginia Woolf, you'll do fine. Richard Russo, novelist, screenwriter, and lecturer at the Warren Wilson College MFA Program for Writers, writes that using omniscience is a mature writer's technique -- he didn't attempt it until he was forty.

The omniscient approach, used well, doesn't seek to imitate the close third person technique. The trouble comes when a writer uses the close third person POV from character to character to character, shifting from inside one head to inside another at will and with no transition.

Here's an example from the same novel mentioned in the first posting (I've altered names and other words in the examples). At this point, the author has been using Smith's close third person point of view for several pages.

The first paragraph is tightly inside Smith's point of view, again in his head.

Smith knew that this meant the suspect would probably wind up going to the hospital. The idea didn't much appeal to him. "Get him in a cell."

Now for the second paragraph. I'll repeat the first for contrast.

Smith knew that this meant the suspect would probably wind up going to the hospital. The idea didn't much appeal to him. "Get him in a cell."

Jones shrugged. It wasn't that he cared, but Smith's suggestion ran counter to protocol. He wanted to cover himself. "Clear him here first, then."

Whoa. We went from knowing what Smith knows and feels about an idea directly into what Jones feels and desires. Mental whiplash for this reader (especially in the book, where the paragraphs were not separated by a line break). Again, this blatant head-hopping occurred after pages that had held tightly to Smith's point of view. For me, sloppy, undisciplined writing. As it happens, Jones was a minor character who disappeared in a sentence or two anyway, so I have to wonder why the author felt the need to include what he felt and wanted. In an edit, I'd have cut all but the dialogue, and maybe suggested some visualization of Jones's discomfort -- but no interior monologue.

What's the harm in this? I believe that, at some level, head-hopping reduces/damages/breaks the emotional bond the writer has worked so hard to create by being in the close third person. Why? Because the hand of the author is clearly revealed and the reader, either consciously or somewhere down under, feels the manipulation of an external force, which is contrary to being carried along with what's happening to the character she's involved with. The emotional effect of the narrative is diminished and, as Sol Stein says, creating emotion in a reader is the author's job.

What's your take on this?

Next up: continuity and the dumb mistake in the opening pages of Dan Brown's hit, The DaVinci Code.

A point-of-view point of view

Welcome to a bifurcated blog. I come at storytelling from two angles because I’m a writer and a freelance editor, and my two halves have different takes on the subject. Actually, there are three halves--I'm a reader, too.

I seek discussion/feedback from readers, writers, editors and agents on craft issues that trouble me in the writing I see. And then sometimes I just need to talk to someone who UNDERSTANDS. If you’re a novelist, you know what I mean. No non-novelist has a clue, and there’s really no way they can begin to empathize.

Gotta start somewhere, so here are two pet peeves about point of view (POV) that I frequently see in the narratives of both unpublished and published authors.
1. Failing to maintain a steady POV
2. “Head-hopping” from one point of view to another.

I say no hops, skips, or jumps without some kind of transitional element. When you’re in a POV, you should STAY in it. When I come upon POV slips, even little ones, they always pull me out of the story. Does it bother anyone else out there?

Here’s an example of problem number 1, inconsistent POV, from a published novel I’m reading now (but may not continue with if it keeps up). In a two-sentence paragraph that follows the revelation of shocking news to the character, Smith, the first sentence is this:

"Smith felt his head go light."

Other than that the writer used “felt” instead of illustrating this feeling, we’re in a very close (limited) third person point of view, right inside the guy’s head. Now I’ll add the second sentence:

"Smith felt his head go light. Unaware of the action, he moved his free hand over his heart and clutched at his breast."

WHAM! We vault from inside the guy’s head to a Godlike, omniscient POV to see action the character doesn’t know is happening. For my money, any limited point of view means writing ONLY about what the character perceives, does, feels, says, etc. If he or she doesn’t perceive it, it doesn’t belong in that portion of the narrative. If this character is unaware of what the hand is doing, it should not be included. One writer I know continued with the action after he had killed the point-of-view character.

Worse, in this example “Unaware of the action” refers to the lightening of the character’s head in the preceding sentence. Ba-a-ad structure. From a “bestselling” author, too.

Don’t you just hate it when you see published writing that’s less skillful than your own?

Were I editing this, I’d suggest the writer get rid of “Unaware of the action.” It serves no purpose, the picture of the action works without it, and it points to the previous action.

I would also advise this writer to look for some way besides the verb “felt” to describe the feeling the character has. Felt is a passive, lazy verb that doesn’t do much for picturing. Part of the way I edit is to provide suggestions to illustrate craft points. In this case, I might suggest something like:

"Smith’s mind seemed to detach and drift. But his hand clutched at his heart."

You tell me—from your POV, am I being too picky here? Comments, please.

Next topic, consideration of problem #2, head-hopping.

As they say where I grew up, y’all come back now, y’hear? Also, if you’d like to ask a specific question about some aspect of your writing, email me.