A point-of-view point of view

Welcome to a bifurcated blog. I come at storytelling from two angles because I’m a writer and a freelance editor, and my two halves have different takes on the subject. Actually, there are three halves--I'm a reader, too.

I seek discussion/feedback from readers, writers, editors and agents on craft issues that trouble me in the writing I see. And then sometimes I just need to talk to someone who UNDERSTANDS. If you’re a novelist, you know what I mean. No non-novelist has a clue, and there’s really no way they can begin to empathize.

Gotta start somewhere, so here are two pet peeves about point of view (POV) that I frequently see in the narratives of both unpublished and published authors.
1. Failing to maintain a steady POV
2. “Head-hopping” from one point of view to another.

I say no hops, skips, or jumps without some kind of transitional element. When you’re in a POV, you should STAY in it. When I come upon POV slips, even little ones, they always pull me out of the story. Does it bother anyone else out there?

Here’s an example of problem number 1, inconsistent POV, from a published novel I’m reading now (but may not continue with if it keeps up). In a two-sentence paragraph that follows the revelation of shocking news to the character, Smith, the first sentence is this:

"Smith felt his head go light."

Other than that the writer used “felt” instead of illustrating this feeling, we’re in a very close (limited) third person point of view, right inside the guy’s head. Now I’ll add the second sentence:

"Smith felt his head go light. Unaware of the action, he moved his free hand over his heart and clutched at his breast."

WHAM! We vault from inside the guy’s head to a Godlike, omniscient POV to see action the character doesn’t know is happening. For my money, any limited point of view means writing ONLY about what the character perceives, does, feels, says, etc. If he or she doesn’t perceive it, it doesn’t belong in that portion of the narrative. If this character is unaware of what the hand is doing, it should not be included. One writer I know continued with the action after he had killed the point-of-view character.

Worse, in this example “Unaware of the action” refers to the lightening of the character’s head in the preceding sentence. Ba-a-ad structure. From a “bestselling” author, too.

Don’t you just hate it when you see published writing that’s less skillful than your own?

Were I editing this, I’d suggest the writer get rid of “Unaware of the action.” It serves no purpose, the picture of the action works without it, and it points to the previous action.

I would also advise this writer to look for some way besides the verb “felt” to describe the feeling the character has. Felt is a passive, lazy verb that doesn’t do much for picturing. Part of the way I edit is to provide suggestions to illustrate craft points. In this case, I might suggest something like:

"Smith’s mind seemed to detach and drift. But his hand clutched at his heart."

You tell me—from your POV, am I being too picky here? Comments, please.

Next topic, consideration of problem #2, head-hopping.

As they say where I grew up, y’all come back now, y’hear? Also, if you’d like to ask a specific question about some aspect of your writing, email me.

Comments

[Terry]

On POV: I have mixed feelings. One: readers are smarter and more able to move around from POV to POV. Of course, many readers don't even KNOW the difference and can't sense it when it happens. Two: Experimental writing calls for a lot of things that we learn are incorrect. Still, if there appears to be no reason for changing POV or, in the case you've mentioned, if it disrupts the storyline and pulls you out of it, then it needs to be fixed. As a beginning novelist, I try to keep to one POV. I'm not well-known as an author, so I don't think I can get away with ANYTHING the might make the work unclear for any reason. We all make mistakes.

[Ray Rhamey]

Terry,

Sure, readers can move from POV to POV, but authors risk (in my opinion, go directly to "damage") the emotional involvement a reader has with a character any time the author's "hand" is blatantly visible, and that, for me, happens with POV problems. Take a look at the next installment, which will cover "head-hopping."

It's true that storytelling is an art and that "rules" can/should be broken to achieve an effect. In this case, though, the author wasn't going for anything more than exposition.

[Ceci]

Ray

I just have to disagree with your deconstruction of the POV issue in the sample sentences by your "bestselling" author. I believe that "Unaware of the action" refers not to the lightening sensation in his head, but to the fact that "he moved his free hand over his heart and clutched at his breast." Apparently the poor character's in the throes of a heart attack, at which point one might well be unaware of such involuntary reactions as clutching one's heart in pain. Therefore I say, leave it as is!

[Ray]

Ceci, I think that, at best, the writer's construction is ambiguous, an example of clumsy and ineffective writing. While I feel sure his intent was to refer to moving his hand, it's not clear. First comes an action: "He felt his head go light." Something is happening. Then the very next phrase is "Unaware of the action." How, at this point, can "the action" refer to something that hasn't, in the reader's purview, happened yet? If the writer had written "Unaware of it," instead of "the action," the pronoun would be referring to the previous statement, and the structure of what he wrote is the same. But I am a purist in this kind of thing.

Ray