Flogging the Quill

Flogometer for Rebecca: would you turn the first page?

Submissions invited: If you’d like a fresh look at your opening chapter or prologue, please email your submission to me re the directions at the bottom of this post.

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The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.

A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.

Storytelling Checklist

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.

Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.

• Story questions
• Tension (in the reader, not just the characters)
• Voice
• Clarity
• Scene-setting
• Character

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Rebecca sends the first chapter for These Two Seas.  Please vote—the feedback helps the writer.

“As it was in the beginning, is now, and ever shall be, world without end, Amen,” Amelia muttered, as she climbed the last steps to the top floor of St. Paul Central High School. She shifted the load of textbooks in her arms and started down the corridor. “Hail Mary, full of --”

The washroom door opened. Two young women came out: shop girls, judging by their matching sailor blouses, in night school to pick up some office skills. They stared at Amelia as they walked by. She smiled and nodded. They giggled. Fine. They could make themselves popular by crowing about the teacher who talked to herself.

Praying looked eccentric; she’d admit that. Back in her student teaching days, nothing short of divine assistance could have gotten her to stand before a room full of strangers and pretend to know what she was doing. Two years on, she no longer fought the urge to run every time she approached a classroom, but the ritual had stuck.

… now and at the hour of our death, Amen. Outside Room 305, she paused again. A middle-aged man in a gray suit stopped and made a short, stiff bow.

“May I help you?” he said.

“Would you mind getting the door?”

He grabbed the knob and stepped back. As she went in, he pulled a slip of paper from his jacket pocket and glanced at it.

Nope

Good, crisp writing, a clear voice, an immediate scene—but, for me, not much in the way of tension. There really aren’t any story questions of any significance on the first page. The man who opens the door for her doesn’t figure into the story in the first chapter. I read through it, but found mostly backstory and a portrayal of her life. Toward the end was backstory on a love affair, but that didn’t lead to anything happening to Amelia in this chapter that made her do anything other than go to bed that evening. I think this is well-written throat-clearing, and you need to start later, at the point where the story begins. This isn’t it. On the other hand, there wasn’t really anything to pick in the writing, that’s fine.

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

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Free sample chapters—click here for a PDF

As an independent editor of book manuscripts, I feel compelled to say I think Ray Rhamey's "Flogging the Quill" is the best how-to book I've read about writing since I was assigned Strunk & White's "Elements of Style" in freshman journalism class 50 years ago. Especially useful for writers of fiction and memoir. I'm urging all my authors to get it.”   Frank Zoretich

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
4. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
5. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

© 2013 Ray Rhamey

Book cover design

In addition to editing and writing, I do book design, too, both covers and interiors. I've worked for a small publishing company for a couple of years, and the occasional independent author comes along. Here are the latest of the latter.

Hookernomics is a title suggested by an FTQ reader (whose name I've lost) is non-fiction, ebook-only cover. It's about the business of sex, and I thought the art of a red light worked pretty well for catching attention and lending subtext.

Collected Works is a private book, not available for sale, and at the far end of the spectrum from the first book. It is a book of poetry published in memory of my client's mother. I learned that she had, long ago, kept poems in what she called her "lavendar box," and that was the thought that led to this cover. It's a hard-cover book, and the cover is a "dust cover" with flaps on the inside.

It was a very short book--there weren't a lot of poems--and many of the poems were about one page long. So the interior design for Collected Works uses spreads, graphics, and white space to display her art.

Lastly, a lively, funny "food memoir" by a Jewish author. What else but Kosher Sutra would do? The art I found foreshadows the book nicely--lively, fun, and food (there are some delicious-sounding recipes in it).

Samples of other full cover designs are here.

For what it's worth,

Ray

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© 2012 Ray Rhamey

Flogometer for Laura: would you turn the first page?

I'm off to do my Killer First Page workshop at Write on the River in Wenatchee this weekend. It should be an interesting session--34 people submitted first pages. Even though the workshop is a little over 2 hours long, we'll have to go through them at a rate of about every 4 minutes. It'll be a true immersion. I'm looking forward to it.

Submissions invited: If you’d like a fresh look at your opening chapter or prologue, please email your submission to me re the directions at the bottom of this post.

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The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.

A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.

Storytelling Checklist

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.

Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.

• Story questions
• Tension (in the reader, not just the characters)
• Voice
• Clarity
• Scene-setting
• Character

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Laura sends the first chapter for Yellow Bike, a YA romance.  

“I just don’t see why you couldn’t make it work,” Violet rasps. She pours Jell-o with the precision of someone measuring liquid explosives. Her long plastic fingernails shine red, white, and blue, the commemorative paint chipping from last week’s holiday.

I smile and sigh. “It wasn’t my call, Vi,” I say. “I was all for making it work. He was not.” I spin the stool around and clunk another roll of silverware into the bucket on the counter. The brunch rush is over- two couples linger over coffee. Both are Violet’s tables. “’We’re in high school,’ remember? ‘We’re not married.’” I laugh but it still smarts a little. I re-adjust my apron and start on my next silverware roll.

“Plus, he has a crooked smile,” pipes in Fannie’s voice from the grill. She pokes her rosy, round face into the pass-through window. “He’s a charmer for sure, but you can’t trust a boy with a crooked smile.”

“Exactly! Thank you, Fannie. See that, Vi? Crooked smile.”

“What was wrong with that boy from last week?” Violet has found her one true love- Rex, her husband of twenty years- so now she and Fannie are determined to find mine.

“He was…” He was covered in ATV-thrown dirt and he called me ‘Babe.’ And I think he was thirty. He tipped 78 cents. “He was… something else.”

The concept of personal matchmakers is pleasing in theory. In practice, it’s turned out to (snip)

Nope

I like the writing and the voice, and that we’re starting with a real scene. The banter is well done. The only things missing from the story list above are story questions and tension. Oh, there’s the question of whether or not she will eventually succeed in romance, but that’s hardly compelling at this point. The dialogue delivers backstory in a fun way, but it’s still backstory, and thus set-up.

In the chapter, a handsome couple of guys her age come in and she waits on them. One is drop-dead handsome. The twist at the very end of the chapter that would have gotten me to keep turning the page is that she discovers that he is deaf. That promises complications and a social issue to deal with. If there was a way to get that on the first page, it would be a strong opening. We would all be wondering how she was going to handle that, a good story question.

I will admit that I’m not the target reader, and this opening might engage a female YA audience just fine—but getting tension and a story question on the page would be so much stronger. Brief technical notes:

“I just don’t see why you couldn’t make it work,” Violet rasps. She pours Jell-o Jell-O with the precision of someone measuring liquid explosives. Her long plastic fingernails shine red, white, and blue, the commemorative paint chipping from last week’s holiday. What is she pouring the Jell-O into? It turns out into serving glasses on a tray. Give us the whole picture.

I smile and sigh. “It wasn’t my call, Vi,” I say. “I was all for making it work. He was not.” I spin the stool around and clunk another roll of silverware into the bucket on the counter. The brunch rush is over- two couples linger over coffee. Both are Violet’s tables. “’We’re in high school,’ remember? ‘We’re not married.’” I laugh but it still smarts a little. I re-adjust my apron and start on my next silverware roll. The last sentence really doesn’t contribute. Save it for tension. Also, I wasn’t sure what a “roll of silverware” was, but I did get “silverware roll” as silverware rolled up in a napkin. This detail could be clearer.

“Plus, he has a crooked smile,” pipes in Fannie’s voice from the grill. She pokes her rosy, round face into the pass-through window. “He’s a charmer for sure, but you can’t trust a boy with a crooked smile.”

“Exactly! Thank you, Fannie. See that, Vi? Crooked smile.”

“What was wrong with that boy from last week?” Violet has found her one true love--Rex, her husband of twenty years--so now she and Fannie are determined to find mine.

“He was…” He was covered in ATV-thrown dirt and he called me ‘Babe.’ And I think he was thirty. He tipped 78 seventy-eight cents. “He was… something else.” The style publishers use is “Chicago,” in which numbers under 100 are generally spelled out. While this dialogue does go to character—her taste in boys—it’s about someone who isn’t in the story. Why not make it someone who is?

The concept of personal matchmakers is pleasing in theory. In practice, it’s turned out to (snip)

I’d give up the fun details and description to get a serious story question on the page.

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

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Free sample chapters—click here for a PDF

“I'm a writer want-to-be working on my first novel. I've read four creative writing books and I think that Ray's book has been the most helpful and easiest to understand.”   HMS

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
4. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
5. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

© 2013 Ray Rhamey

Flogometer for Shannon: would you turn the first page?

Submissions invited: If you’d like a fresh look at your opening chapter or prologue, please email your submission to me re the directions at the bottom of this post.

---

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.

A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.

Storytelling Checklist

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.

Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.

• Story questions
• Tension (in the reader, not just the characters)
• Voice
• Clarity
• Scene-setting
• Character

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Shannon sends the first chapter for The League, a fantasy.  

The sky was an indulgent blue, broken only by garlands of delicate clouds. But the hulk blocking the cobbled road stopped her dead. The midday sun behind the man crowned his fair head with a ring of light while shadows masked the features of his face. Where the hell did he come from? The field of gnarled oaks to her left or the fence thick with ivy on her right? Either could easily conceal a man. She should have paid better attention. Anna licked her lips and side-stepped toward the split-rail fence. The man mirrored her movement like a misshapen shadow. When she loped left, he ducked along and emitted a grating chuckle as if they were playing an innocent game of keep away.

Acorns dropped and bounced along the grassy knolls, harmonizing with the creek’s gurgle and the high-pitched chicka-dee-dee-dee-fee-bee from the birds in the shrubs. Needling chills slithered along her spine despite the warmth of the sage-scented valley. The dagger pressed against the small of her back. All she had to do was slip a hand along her waist and there’d be one less marauder roaming the hills. A breeze swirled between them and the strangers’ hair waived around like those sea anemones in her father’s musty books. Her own strands escaped her hat and batted her cheeks and eyes. “Outta my way, you stupid thing.” She flicked her hair and squinted to size-up her impassible threat.

Yes

I liked the voice and a conflict has been set up, plus a little mystery as to who the man is. I could do with a little less of the descriptive stuff on the first page, though, and there were some errors. Notes:

The sky was an indulgent blue, broken only by garlands of delicate clouds. But the hulk blocking the cobbled road stopped her dead. The midday sun behind the man crowned his fair head with a ring of light while shadows masked the features of his face. Where the hell did he come from? The field of gnarled oaks to her left or the fence thick with ivy on her right? Either could easily conceal a man. She should have paid better attention. Anna licked her lips and side-stepped toward the split-rail fence. The man mirrored her movement like a misshapen shadow. When she loped left, he ducked along and emitted a grating chuckle as if they were playing an innocent game of keep away. While I don’t mind starting the occasional sentence with “but” or “and,” it needs to tie into the previous sentence, and I don’t see the relationship here. Also, "hulk" is a bit non-specific. I didn't picture a person at first, I thought it was some kind of object.

Acorns dropped and bounced along the grassy knolls, harmonizing with the creek’s gurgle and the high-pitched chicka-dee-dee-dee-fee-bee from the birds in the shrubs. Needling chills slithered along her spine despite the warmth of the sage-scented valley. The dagger pressed against the small of her back. All she had to do was slip a hand along her waist and there’d be one less marauder roaming the hills. A breeze swirled between them and the strangers’ stranger’s hair waived waved around like those sea anemones in her father’s musty books. Her own strands escaped her hat and batted her cheeks and eyes. “Outta my way, you stupid thing.” She flicked her hair and squinted to size-up size up her impassible threat. The first sentence in this paragraph is long enough and  unrelated enough to the action to stop the momentum for me. You’ve initiated a conflict, get on with it.

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

Tweet

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Free sample chapters—click here for a PDF

“If you're thinking of writing a novel, put this one in your shopping cart and read it before you start. 'Flogging the Quill' is filled with advice on improving your writing and story telling, but the difference is numerous examples showing you what works and what doesn't. A bonus near the end is ten 'workouts.' These are samples of writing for you to review, critique, and edit. 'Flogging the Quill' is that rare how-to book that tells you what to do, shows you how to do it, and then gives homework to develop your writing and revising skills.”   Anderson

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
4. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
5. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

© 2013 Ray Rhamey

Covers make a difference--a big difference

Self-published novelist R.L. Mathewson initially published Playing for Keeps on Smashwords with a plain blue and white cover, but saw a significant sales spike in the iBookstore once she added a steamy Shutterstock photo to her cover

 

 

 

Smashwords founder Mark Coker had this to say:

“The new covers caught the readers eye and it helped clear up any confusion they may have had about the books. The new cover along with the price helped the books sell. I would say that you should avoid covers that cause confusion, are horrible to look at, too plain, or too over the top. You don’t need to spend a lot of money to get a good cover, but you do need something that can help draw attention to your book and intrigue someone to take a chance on your work.”

For what it's worth.

Ray

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© 2013 Ray Rhamey

Flogometer for Joylene: would you turn the first page?

Submissions invited: If you’d like a fresh look at your opening chapter or prologue, please email your submission to me re the directions at the bottom of this post.

---

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.

A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.

Storytelling Checklist

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.

Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.

• Story questions
• Tension (in the reader, not just the characters)
• Voice
• Clarity
• Scene-setting
• Character

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Joylene sends the first chapter for Kiss of the Assassin.

A Collective Farm outside of Moscow 1956

Mama shouted.

Marina slipped past her and scrambled over the hearth. Papa couldn't protect her when Mother shouted like that; he couldn't protect himself. Safety waited under the table. Careful not to disturb Papa’s icon of Christ, she lifted the faded linen tablecloth and scuttled underneath. The dirty floor was rough, but she was practiced at scooting back against the wall without getting a sliver.

Mama shouted again, "Vam idiot dyrak!”

“I’m not an idiot,” Papa said. "I won't do it."

"No, Papa," Marina whispered. He shouldn't argue when Mama shouts. He shouldn't make her angrier. She hurt him the last time. She sliced him.

Marina hated the memory. The village healer had to bandage Papa's arm. It was the first time Marina ever felt shame for her Papa. She overheard the healer scold him, calling him a weakling to let his wife rule him. The healer said the neighbors laughed at Papa because he wasn't a man.

Marina hated the village healer now. She didn't want her back here. Papa, don't make Mama angry.

Red-hot coals sizzled in the fireplace, but a cold wind penetrated the wall behind her. She stuffed the hem of her dress in her mouth to keep her teeth from chattering.

“Vam idiot dyrak! You've humiliated me again," Mama yelled. "You're nobody. You're the low nothing of a man."

Yes

This opens with a strong scene—plenty of conflict. Plus a likeable character, a child in the midst of a family story with the promise of deadly violence ahead. I could have done without the brief flashback, but it was brief and didn’t slow the pace enough to matter—and it did deliver some good background. The voice is strong, the writing clean. I liked it. Very brief notes:

A Collective Farm outside of Moscow 1956

Mama shouted.

Marina slipped past her and scrambled over the hearth. Papa couldn't protect her when Mother shouted like that; he couldn't protect himself. Safety waited under the table. Careful not to disturb Papa’s icon of Christ, she lifted the faded linen tablecloth and scuttled underneath. The dirty floor was rough, but she was practiced at scooting back against the wall without getting a sliver.  A clarity issue—where was the icon? She is lifting a tablecloth, the edge of which hangs down. Is the icon on the table? Seems like an icon would be on a wall, or at least not in a place where meals, cooking, etc. would happen.

Mama shouted again, "Vam idiot dyrak!”

“I’m not an idiot,” Papa said. "I won't do it."

"No, Papa," Marina whispered. He shouldn't argue when Mama shouts shouted. He shouldn't make her angrier. She hurt him the last time. She sliced him.

Marina hated the memory. The village healer had to bandage Papa's arm. It was the first time Marina ever felt shame for her Papa. She overheard the healer scold him, calling him a weakling to let his wife rule him. The healer said the neighbors laughed at Papa because he wasn't a man. Cutting the reference to memory helps me with the flashback. It’s briefer, and doesn’t feel so much like a look backward.

Marina hated the village healer now. She didn't want her back here. Papa, don't make Mama angry.

Red-hot coals sizzled in the fireplace, but a cold wind penetrated the wall behind her. She stuffed the hem of her dress in her mouth to keep her teeth from chattering.

“Vam idiot dyrak! You've humiliated me again," Mama yelled. "You're nobody. You're the low nothing of a man."

Nice work.

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

Tweet

---

Free sample chapters—click here for a PDF

“There are many, many books out there on how to write a novel etc. etc. etc. I am always in the book store browsing through them but somehow they are a mission to read and never quite provoke me into writing, until I found Flogging the Quill. Rhamey does not beat around the bush and gets straight to the meat of it. At the end of the day after years of procrastination I am actually writing and getting on with my dream project. I have recommended this book to my friends and they have all agreed it is a quick read but full of worthy and real world advice. Thanks for the help Ray!”   Holmes

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
4. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
5. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

© 2013 Ray Rhamey

Flogometer for Charles: would you turn the first page?

Submissions invited: If you’d like a fresh look at your opening chapter or prologue, please email your submission to me re the directions at the bottom of this post.

---

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.

A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.

Storytelling Checklist

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.

Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.

• Story questions
• Tension (in the reader, not just the characters)
• Voice
• Clarity
• Scene-setting
• Character

---

Charles sends the first chapter for Long Walk Home.  

Operation: Iraqi Freedom. Day: 565. Time: 0912.

From a bench inside a corrugated steel shack, Polk watched as dozens of Iraqi civilians marched behind a roll of barbed concertina wire. They waved handmade signs and banners, and screamed inaudible curses to the US-led occupation while dressed like rejects from a Gap commercial.

Hardy and Baker had squeezed onto the bench on either side of him. In the physical prime of their lives, they had amassed thick muscles across their arms, chests, and shoulders. “That hajji looks exactly like Osama bin Laden,” said Baker, as he chugged from a bottle of Gatorade. “I should shoot him out of principle.”

“Every day for the past week he’s worn the same gay man purse on his shoulder,” said Hardy. A cigarette dangled from his lips.

“We’ll have to ask Rimjob how to say ‘gay man purse’ in German,” said Polk. The other guys laughed.

A watch beeped.

“Fuck.” He removed his ballistic goggles and wiped a bandana across his face. “I can’t wait to get the fuck out of here.”

“I hate to admit this, but I miss my family,” said Baker.

Nope 

While this scene feels very authentic, what’s happening here? Guys talk. They’re in a war, so of course there is jeopardy somewhere, but there’s none specific to this scene. The writing is good, and I like the voice.

I looked through later pages and have put together material that I think would have gotten me to turn the page with a “what happens next” question in my mind. One nitpick: the following narrative includes a word I’d never seen, “Ogaf.” I Googled it and one reference was to an acronym that means “Old guys and friends.” Another was also for an acronym, but this meant “Opérations groupées d'aménagement fon.” Neither made sense to me. The point: if you use words a reader is unlikely to know, define it in context.

So what do you think of this as an opening?

Dozens of Iraqi civilians marched behind a roll of barbed concertina wire in Ameriya Square, a busy Baghdad traffic circle subdivided by concrete t-walls and sand filled mesh barriers. They waved handmade signs and banners, and screamed inaudible curses to the US-led occupation.

Polk gripped his rifle, nestled the stock into the crook of his elbow, and held it in front of his chest. “Eight hours,” he said. “Bullshit.” He sighed, and stepped into the blazing sun.

He rejoined the perimeter of troops who paced the wire barrier. He stood five feet away, his rifle at the ready, his finger rested above the trigger, and the safety off, as he began to scan the growing crowd for weapons or hidden explosives.

Eight more hours; fucking bullshit.

“Allahu Akbar!”

Someone hidden in the crowd had shouted. Polk raised his arm as hajjis pushed against the wire. “Hold position!” he said. “Ogaf!”

“Allahu Akbar!”

Polk felt his stomach turn cold.

A flash -- light, heat, noise. Something punched him in the chest. His head spun, he smacked the ground, a bolt of lightning shocked his tailbone. A few sounds registered: yelling, screaming, screeching tires.

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

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Free sample chapters—click here for a PDF

“A wealth of advice backed up by numerous examples and explanations. Ray doesn't just give you the "rules" of writing, but also gives you an understanding of why you shouldn't break the rules . . . and examples of times when it's a good idea to break them. Ray's book deals with storytelling, description, dialogue, techniques, words to avoid, and workouts that help writers to understand how to critique their work and others. He also delves into how to hook your readers and make them care about your story and its character through building tension, raising story questions, perfecting your narrative voice, writing with clarity, setting the scene, and developing your characters. This book is well worth the price of admission.”   Joseph

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
4. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
5. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

© 2013 Ray Rhamey

Something Has to Happen

Friend of the blog Tony DiMeo sent a link to In a post titled Something Has to Happen by author Alexandra Sokoloff.  She offers choice observations, insights, and tips on what’s needed in your novel’s opening to keep the reader reading. You’ve heard much of this from me, but I thought a fresh perspective might help.

Although her blog is titled Screenwriter Tips and she is the author of Screenwriting Tips for Authors (and Screenwriters), Alex is also the Thriller Award-winning and Bram Stoker, Anthony, and Black Quill Award-nominated author of supernatural thrillers and other fiction.

In reading through a bunch of thriller ebooks, Alex noted this:

There was something I was noticing in book after book that I started and then discarded last night that was just a structural error that could so easily have been fixed to - I think - increase the number of people who would want to keep reading. It's pretty simple, really.

I couldn't figure out what the book was about.

Or why I should care, either.

Sound familiar? She notes the following (there’s a lot more about each item on her post, this is just a  listing of the things she discusses):

Reading a bunch of first chapters in a row points out a lot of common errors, actually. 

1. Inexperienced writers almost inevitably START THEIR STORIES IN THE WRONG PLACE.
2. NEVER MIND THE FUCKING BACKSTORY!!!!!
3. IDENTIFY THE SENSATION AND EXPERIENCE YOU WANT TO EVOKE IN YOUR READER – AND THEN MAKE SURE YOU’RE EVOKING IT.
4. USE ALL SIX SENSES.

5. SHOW, DON’T TELL.
6. DETAIL THE INTERNAL DRIVES OF YOUR CHARACTER AND SET THE GENRE.

You may find her discussion useful. I did.

Ray

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Free sample chapters—click here for a PDF

“Flogging the Quill teaches true lessons about different aspects of writing, but in a way that is at once humorous and informative rather than a dry statement of facts. There are plentiful examples all throughout the book, as well as a place to practice what you've learned. In all, I highly recommend this book for people wanting to begin writing, or those who simply wish to learn how to improve their craft.”   Arwen

© 2013 Ray Rhamey

Flogometer for Alyssa: would you turn the first page?

Question: have you had trouble posting comments on FtQ? Some regular readers can't get one on, and I wonder if it's widespread. Please let me know via email.

Submissions invited: If you’d like a fresh look at your opening chapter or prologue, please email your submission to me re the directions at the bottom of this post.

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The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.

A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.

Storytelling Checklist

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.

Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.

• Story questions
• Tension (in the reader, not just the characters)
• Voice
• Clarity
• Scene-setting
• Character

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Alyssa sends the first chapter for The Twice and Future King, a YA novel. 

When I met Isabeau, I thought it was just another ordinary day. Though I suppose you can say that about any day that unexpectedly rips your life apart.

The last bell had rung, and I was trying to figure out my homework schedule as I walked across the parking lot. I couldn't decide if I should study for my chemistry test before, during, or after writing that 5-page paper about Macbeth and doing those 45 trig problems and…there she was. Leaning against my junker of a car, and tapping her fingers rhythmically on the hood. The sun painted the waves in her burnt red hair with streaks of gold, and her clothes – jeans and a sleeveless high-necked shirt – showed off her athletic figure.

My first thought? Wow, she's gorgeous. I never said it was a brilliant thought, just that it was my first one. I cleared my throat. "C-Can I help you?" Lame, I admit, but I didn't have a lot of experience talking to beautiful girls. Or any girls, really.

Her eyes locked onto mine with an electric jolt. They weren't blue or green or hazel or brown or violet – they were all of those at once, encircling her pupils with slivers of color that spiraled into her soul. "What did they call you?"

My brain did a double-check. Yep, it had heard her right. "Excuse me? What did who call me?"

"Your parents." There was the slightest of pauses between the words – barely a hairs-(snip)

Almost

The voice is very inviting. Its confidence suggests that I’m in the hands of a good storyteller. The protagonist was immediately likeable to me as well. There’s a story question raised—what will happen between this guy and this girl—but so what? There’s not much energy or intensity or “size” to the story question. It’s on the ordinary side. She’s beautiful, but that doesn’t do it for me.

But the rest of the chapter was charming and continued to raise the level of that story question and add others. But how to get that first page turned?

Well, I’ve cobbled together some things and below is a roughed-out alternative. To make room, I decided that some things just weren’t important enough for the first page:

• The foreshadowing first paragraph, an attempt to create enough tension to get me to turn the page. I’d rather be swept into the story than told about what’s coming.
• The laundry list of things he has to study. While that paragraph is great for setting the scene and characterizing, it can be shorter.
• The extensive description of the girl didn’t seem all needed to me.

So below is some of the current first page trimmed down and an attempt to raise the intensity of the story question through the use of characterization rather than events. To be fair to the way the chapter is written, it seemed harsh to try to jam an action story question onto the first page, but I found the girl’s character to be quite compelling, so this is a try to crank up the interest via her. See what you think.

The last bell had rung, and I was trying to figure out my homework schedule as I walked across the parking lot. Should I study for my chemistry test before, during, or after writing that five-page Macbeth paper. or…and there she was. Leaning against my junker of a car, tapping her fingers on the hood. The sun painted the waves in her burnt red hair with streaks of gold.

"C-Can I help you?" Lame, I admit, but I didn't have a lot of experience talking to beautiful girls. Or any girls, really.

Her eyes locked onto mine with an electric jolt. They weren't blue or green or hazel or brown or violet—they were all of those at once, encircling her pupils with slivers of color that spiraled into her soul. "You don't look like a Christopher Smith."

What? I shrugged. “Yeah, I get that a lot. My father's American, but my mother's Japanese. I know I take after her side, but—"

She held up her hand. "Not what I meant. I know from my research on twenty-first century America that its melting pot culture allowed for people of differing ethnic appearances to have names of seemingly divergent derivation. I was referring to the names themselves: Christopher, from the Greek name Christophoros, combining Christos or Christ with phero, meaning to bear or carry. Thus, 'bearing Christ.' Then you have Smith, deriving from the word smitan, meaning 'to smite,' implying the original name applied to a soldier and not an ironworker (snip)

Now, that’s an unusual character, and I wanted to know what she was up to. Your thoughts?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

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Free sample chapters—click here for a PDF

“Being a first timer to the confusing and sometimes frustrating world of writing, I can't live without this book. I wish I had purchased it before beginning my novel, but practice makes perfect and I am getting plenty of it. BUY THIS BOOK . . . it's worth the investment!”   imzf

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
4. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
5. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

© 2013 Ray Rhamey

Flogometer for Colleen: would you turn the first page?

Submissions invited: If you’d like a fresh look at your opening chapter or prologue, please email your submission to me re the directions at the bottom of this post.

---

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.

A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.

Storytelling Checklist

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.

Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.

• Story questions
• Tension (in the reader, not just the characters)
• Voice
• Clarity
• Scene-setting
• Character

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Colleen sends the first chapter for The Opposite of Magic.

She didn't do anything more exotic than hit send on an email, for God's sake, but every pixel on the screen wobbled and came to rest off-kilter. The computer was cursed. Either that or she was, and all things considered, she hoped it was the PC. It refused to restart, so Emily dialed tech support—three times in one day, a personal record—and punched in her ID.

When Alexander Hartgrave stomped into her sort-of office fifteen minutes later, she had to bite her lip to keep from laughing at his expression.

"You're a menace," he said, scowl deepening.

"I'm telling you, it's not my fault."

He threw up his hands. "It most certainly is."

"Just replace the thing—"

"Dr. Daggett, the day you get another computer to torture is a day I'm no longer working here."

A much-anticipated day.

"Get back," Hartgrave said, like a threat, and put a protective arm around her PC tower. He glared at the screen. Then he tapped three keys, and the reboot window that wouldn't appear for her popped up for him as if nothing were wrong. He clicked "restart." It worked.

No one could make her feel idiotic the way he could. Of all the bad things about her job, the (snip)

Nope

Clearly the writing is good, and the voice confident and likeable. There is a touch of conflict, but it’s quickly resolved. So what happens here? A computer malfunctions and then is fixed. The protagonist is left with nothing more significant to deal with than feeling idiotic. For me, there was no tension, no story questions raised, and no trouble ahead for her.

This page and most of the chapter is set-up that introduces us to the character and the goings on of her life at the place she works. There isn’t much of a clue to the story until the end, when a mysterious man invades the basement where her office is and she finds him in a secret room, hovering 15 feet off the floor.

Colleen submitted her chapter a couple of years ago, and the verdict was the same. At that time I cobbled together an alternative opening from her text, which is below. Would it get you to turn the page?

Emily liked to think she was clear-sighted about her faults. Excessive curiosity, for instance. Now, though, rummaging through her new office for a makeshift weapon should she need to defend herself, she realized she had missed a flaw. She'd grown up, earned her degrees and landed a university teaching job, but she had never overcome the childish desire for adventure. Well, flaw or not, this was the closest life had come to providing an adventure. Grasping a three-hole punch because its name sounded dangerous, she set off to search the basement of the Humanities Building for the intruder.

An empty stone passageway stretched ahead, deeply shadowed. Bare-bulb fixtures clung to the ceiling, casting small islands of light. Empty torch brackets dotted the walls.

One corridor after another proved empty, save for a lecture room filled by age-browned boxes heavy with dust. She picked her way around the entire level and found nobody. But she had definitely heard a thud.

Then she noticed a nearly invisible door -- made of the same stone as the wall, it was set apart only by a tiny doorknob. The knob was warm to the touch, smooth as glass, faintly vibrating under her fingers. She yanked on it and the door burst open to reveal a cavernous room.

Someone was inside. Someone wearing a wide-brimmed hat.

And hovering twenty feet above the floor.

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

Tweet

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Free sample chapters—click here for a PDF

“As an aspiring author in the Internet age, I thought there was enough information out there in the blogosphere to provide me with everything I needed for my arsenal. Boy, was I wrong. I wish that I had purchased Flogging the Quill months ago. Had I bought the book when I first learned about it, I'm confident it would have saved me a tremendous amount of time and effort in the crafting, writing, and rewriting of my first novel.”   Shannon

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
4. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
5. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

© 2013 Ray Rhamey